Goals: The Past Me vs. Present Me

(Translations into Japanese have been done by Babylon; I'm still trying to learn more Japanese, but if you know of a better translator, please let me know!)

(日本語の中への翻訳がバビロンによってされました；私はまだもっと日本語を学習しようとしています、しかしもしあなたがもっと良い翻訳者について知っているなら、どうか私に知らせてください！)

I've been wanting to post more regularly to my blog pretty much since the last time I'd posted. Many beautiful ideas have come and gone while I was mostly too busy between work and school and had too little money to spend on crafting as I have in the past. And then, school finally ended (with a 3.95 GPA for my BA in Psychology!). Everyone has been asking, "What will you do now?" And, the answer is . . . I don't know! :}

私は（今まで）私が（すでに）ポストしていた最後のときからおおかたいっそう規則的に私のブログにポストすることを望んでいました。 多くの美しい考えが来て、そして、私が仕事と学校でたいていあまりにも忙しかった間に、行きました。 私は同じく私が過去に通常ブログを作成するであろうに精巧な細工をすることに使うべきあまりにわずかしか金を持っていませんでした。 そしてそれから、最終的に終わらせられた学校と私得られた心理学の私のＢＡのための３.９５のＧＰＡ！ 皆が尋ねていました、「あなたは今何をするでしょうか？" そして、答えはそうです。 . . 私は知りません！

Anyone who has followed my blog in previous years will know that I set many goals because of my varied interests, and I really hate to not succeed in goals. Employers also ask about goals, wanting to know where you expect to be in five or even ten years. For a long while, I have been feeling like a failure because my life is pretty whimsical. The only goals which have remained the same for the duration of my life include the desire to have healthy and close family relationships and friendships, as well as to find true love. Those goals tend to propel my other goals, and I often feel guilty for that. I will work on music composition for a friend, but not really for myself. I will give my best at my job as long as I know someone else will have a better life with similar opportunities for happiness because of it. But when it comes to keeping a perfect home, increasing my level of talent in one area or another, or even trying to make tons of money . . . I have to say that I don't care as much as most people. I am pretty happy and am content to daydream and see beauty in the world and just live in it. In the back of my mind is this nagging voice that says I am not living my life properly, though, because I tend to make goals and then discard them very easily.

前の年に私のブログを追った誰かが私が私のさまざまな利害関係のために多くのゴールを設定する、そして私が本当にゴールで成功しないことが嫌いであることを知るでしょう。 雇用者が同じく、あなたがどこが５あるいは１０年にさえあることを予想するか知ることを望んで、ゴールについて尋ねます。 長い間、私の生活がかなりこっけいであるから、私は（今まで）失敗のような感じがしていました。私の生活の期間中、同じままでいた唯一のゴールは真実の愛を見つけるために健康な、そして親密な家族関係と友情、を持つべき願望を含みます。 それらのゴールは私の他のゴールを推進させる傾向があります、そして私はそれのためにしばしば罪の意識を感じます。 私は、本当に私自身のためにではなく、友人のために音楽構成上で作業するでしょう。 私がほかの誰かがそれのために幸福の類似の機会でもっと良い生命を持っているであろうことを知る限り、私は私の仕事において最善をするでしょう。しかし完ぺきな家を保持して、１つのエリアあるいはもう１つの才能の私のレベルを増やすか、あるいは大金をもうけようとしさえする話になると。 . . 私はたいていの人々と同じぐらいあまり私はかまわないと言わなければなりません。 私はかなり幸せであって、そして空想にふけって、そして世界中で美しさを見て、そしてただそれに住んで満足しています。 私がゴールを取って、そして次に非常に容易に（彼・それ）らを捨てる傾向があるから、けれども、私が適切に私の生活を送っていないと言うこのしつこい発言が心の奥底です。

So, I turned to the internet and searched to find out the answer to the question which has been plaguing me: Is not having a goal really a bad thing? The answer that I found which best mirrored my feelings was one by Leo Babauta, who wrote a blog entry called "The Best Goal is No Goal." What he said was so true! I've been completely limited by my goal-setting, not helped by it. Amazingly, once I let go I felt a kind of relief I haven't felt in a while. Here I had been worrying that people would look down at me as a failure for not going on to get a masters degree in psychology or possibly not even using my BA in psychology at all, but I had forgotten something really crucial about my growth process. Sometimes, in order for new growth, we have to cut away pieces of the past.

それで、私はインターネットの方に向いて、そして（今まで）私を悩ませていて：本当にゴールを持っていない質問への返事の外に良くないものを見いだすために探索しましたか？ 私がどのベストが私の感情をコピーしたか見いだしたという答えは「最も良いゴールと呼ばれるブログエントリーがゴールではないと書いたレオ Babauta によっての（の・もの・人）でした。" 彼が言ったことはそれほど本当でした！ 私は完全に、それによって助けられないで、私のゴール設定によって制限されました。驚異的に、私が放す途端に、私は私がしばらくの間感じなかった一種の安堵を感じました。 ここで私は（それまで）、心理学のマスター学位を手に入れることを続いてしなくて、あるいはまったくもしかすると心理学で私のＢＡを使いさえしないことに対して、人々が失敗として私に見下ろすであろうことを心配していました、しかし私は私の成長プロセスについて（すでに）本当に決定的な何かを忘れていました。 時々、順に新しい成長のために、我々は過去の作品が先になるまで切らなければなりません。

Honestly, letting go of things is probably my greatest weakness. At a young age, I lost a lot of people I cared about either due to illness, death, or because I had moved away and lost contact. Consequently, I clung to things that had sentimental value. I also had trouble getting people to believe that I am who I am, so I tended to collect "evidence." I had a reality check some years back when I started taking psychology courses where I recognized that there was no point trying to get someone to understand who I am, particularly if they've already made up their mind. I still liked to keep the proof, but it didn't actually help. So, I forced myself to get rid of it. And, because my husband hates clutter, I tossed out a lot of old things which I've liked for a long time because I simply don't use them. Every day stuff to some people, but a really hard task for me. But, both things were very liberating! More space, and finally being able to let go of relationships which were bad for me. If you assume I'm something I'm not and show no interest in trying to get to know the real me, I'll just pretend you don't exist . . . because that's essentially what you're doing to me. Freedom! Without all of that, there's so much room to think about other things, to become a new person . . . to create new goals!

正直に言って、ものを手放すことはおそらく私の最も大きい弱点です。 若い年齢において、私は死の病気のためにあるいは私が（すでに）去って、そして連絡を失っていたから私が気にかけた多くの人々を失いました。 従って、私は心情的価値を持っていたことに執着しました。 私は同じく人々に私がありのままの私であると信じるようにさせるのにてこずりました、それで私は集金する傾向があった「証拠." 私が、特にもし（彼・それ）らがすでに（彼・それ）らの心を決めたなら、私が誰かに私が誰であるか理解するようにさせようとしてポイントがなかったことを認識した心理学コースをとり始めたそのころ、私は数年真実性分析を持っていました。 私はまだ証明を保持することを好みました、しかしそれは実際に助けになりませんでした。 それで、私は私自身にそれを取り除くことを強いました。 そして、私の夫が取り散らかしが嫌いであるから、私がただ（彼・それ）らを使わないから、私は私が長い間好きであった多くの古いものを捨てました。私のための本当に厳しいタスク以外のすべての若干の人々への日。 けれども、両方のことが非常に心を解き放ちました！ もっと多くのスペース、そして最終的に私にとって良くなかった関係を振り切ることが可能であること。 もしあなたが私が私がそうである何かであって、そしてレアル私を知るようになろうとすることに対しての興味を示さないと想定するなら、私はただあなたが存在しないというふりをするでしょう。 . . なぜならそれは本質的にあなたが私にしていることですから。 自由！ それのすべてなしで、本当に他のことについて考えて、新しい人になる余地があります。 . . 新しいゴールを作るために！

Right after Terinati and I moved, I was a very different person from who I am today, and that was only a little over a year ago. I have learned so much about myself and know that it is time to let old goals die, and possibly let go of the notion of needing to set goals in order make accomplishments in life. It is time to make way for the new me! And, more importantly, it is time to stop telling myself things like, "Don't play video games; that's a waste of time," or "You can't relax now. You haven't made the entire house spotless!" I am never going to be perfect, nor do I want to be. I actually enjoy flaws; they make everyone funny, unpredictable, and interesting. I have seen seemingly perfect houses before, and I have seen people who have great success in one particular field. I always think that there's probably some trade-off there; nothing is free. So, all we can do is ask ourselves if the story of our lives, as we would tell it today, would make us happy. And, if it doesn't, it's time to take an adventure and modify it!

Terinati と私が動いたすぐ後に、私は今日の私からの非常に異なった人でした、そしてそれは１年前にただ少し終わりました。 私は私自身についてそれほど多くを知って、そして古いゴールを死なせて、そしてもしかすると順にゴールを設定する必要があることについての概念の碁を人生で成績を作らせる時間であることを知っています。 新しい私のために道をあける時間です！そして、もっと重要なことに、それは私自身にことを話すのをやめるべき時間、「ビデオゲーム；すなわち、時間の浪費をプレーしないでください」、です、あるいは「あなた ca は今リラックスしません。 あなたは家全体を汚れがなくしませんでした！" 私は決して完ぺきにするつもりではありません、同様に私はそうであることを望みません。 私は実際に傷を楽しみます；（彼・それ）らは皆を面白くて、気まぐれで、そして面白くします。 私は前に表面上完ぺきな家を見ました、そして私は１つの特定のフィールドの中に大きい成功を遂げる人々を見ました。私は常にそこにおそらくいずれかのトレードオフがあると思います；何も無料ではありません。 それで、我々がすることができるすべては我々自身に我々の生活の物語が、我々が今日それを話すであろう（とき・から・につれて・ように）、我々を幸せにするであろうかどうか尋ねることです。 そして、もしそれがそうしないなら、冒険をして、そしてそれを修正する時間です！

So, that's the way I think I will be living my life (and writing my blog) from now on. Hopefully, that means I can write more, though I don't know how interesting it will be. At the very least, I hope it will help someone going through the same or similar things. And, I don't want to underplay the importance of goals; some people need to set goals and the process can be very important for them, but like all things, it does not work for everyone in all phases of life. For me right now, I'm just going to live.  =^--^=

それで、それは今から私が私が私の生活を送って（そして私のブログを書いて）いるであろうと思う方法です。 望むらくは、それは、私がそれがどれぐらい面白いであろうか知らないけれども、私がさらに多くを書くことができることを意味します。 少なくとも、私は同じことあるいは類似のことを体験することは誰かに手を貸すであろうことを希望します。 そして、私はゴールの重要性を控え目に演じることを望みません；若干の人々がゴールを設定する必要があります、そしてプロセスは（彼・それ）らのために非常に重要であり得ます、しかしすべてのもののように、それは生活のすべての段階に皆のために働くわけではありません。 =^--^=

P.S. - I finally have a new camera, so hopefully that means I will be have more interesting blogs because I can share the cool footage! Hooray! :)

Ｐ.Ｓ. 　 － 私が冷たいフィート数を共有することができるから、私がであろう手段がいっそう面白いブログを持っているほど希望を抱いて、私は最終的に新しいカメラを持っています！ やった！ :)

Right in the Face!

I don't even remember how it started.  It was probably some video game quote or in some movie, but whenever something is particularly difficult or annoying now, I tend to say, "RIGHT IN YOUR FACE!" at it.  This is a shortened version of, "I'll stab you . . . RIGHT IN YOUR FACE!" or "That zombie got me . . . RIGHT IN THE FACE!" or, "I love you . . . RIGHT IN THE FACE!"  Of course, this is always followed by Terinati's and my laughter because it is obviously ridiculous for all forms of attacks, be it verbal, physical, or psychological, to be targeted right in the face.  Well, this week got me . . . right in the face!  :}  "Right in the face?"  "Yes, right in the face!"

My 10-minute goal plan was an epic failure, not for a lack of effort, but because of a lack of time.  Since we're strapped for money and I really believe in my company's cause (it is a not-for-profit organization with the goal of helping to provide insurance to those who can not otherwise afford it), whenever they offer overtime to help reach a goal, I gladly accept.  So, this week I worked 9 hours of overtime on top of my full time schedule, and then my new online course, "Diversity," started this week.  That meant I had three assignments due, tons of reading to get rolling on, and very little time to do it since I leave for work at 6:20am and was getting home at around 9pm nearly every day this week.  With only 4 hours of sleep a night, it wasn't practical to try and squeeze in a little more.  :/  I'm hoping this week will go a bit better.

So, nothing exciting to report . . . just life, right in my face.  But, I think that happens to all of us, and I'm glad that I can laugh at it.  I will not give up on my goals, though!

Translated by Yahoo Babelfish:

私はそれがいかに始まったか覚えていない。 それはおそらく映画のビデオゲームの引用またはでありが、何かがである時はいつでも今特に困難または悩む、私は"言いがちである; あなたの表面で右! " それ。 これは短くされた版の、"である; 私はあなたの表面で右の…刺す! " または" そのゾンビは私を…表面で右に得た! " または、" 私は表面で右の…愛する! " 当然、これはTerinati'に常に先行している; 、ことばによる、物理的かまたは心理ならばのでsおよび私の笑い声、攻撃のすべての形態のために明らかにばかばかしい表面で目標とされるため正しく。 それで、この週は私を…表面で右に得た! " 表面で右か。" " はい、正しく表面で! "  :}

私の10分の目的の計画は努力の、しかし時間不足のために欠乏のための叙事詩の失敗、ないだった。 私達がお金のためにおよび紐で縛られるので私は私のcompany'を実際に信じる; sの原因(それはそれらが目的に達するのを助けることを時間外で提供する時はいつでも提供を助力の目的の非営利の組織別の方法でそれをできることができな い人に保険のである)、私は喜んで受け入れる。 従って次に、この週私は私のフルタイムスケジュールの上に時間外労働の9時間、および私の新しいオンラインコース、"を働かせた; 多様性、" この週始まった。 それは私が6:20 AMで仕事のために去るあり、9pm頃家にほぼ毎日にこの週を得ていたことをのでそれをする私が、始まる読むことのトン当然の3つの割り当ておよび少しだ け時間が意味した。 夜、それは睡眠の4時間だけによってやや試み、絞るために実用的多くでではなかった。 私はこの週がビットよりよく行くことを望んでいる。

 従って、…ちょうど生命、私の表面の権利を報告するために刺激する何も。 しかし、私達皆に私がそれを嘲笑してもいいこと起こる、嬉しい私は考え。 私は私の目的をあきらめない!

10-Minute Goals and Something Random

I never plan on making New Year's resolutions; if I have a goal, I try to tackle it immediately, although I do like the idea of traditions like these. However, since Fritzy got me The Pragmatic Programmer and I started actually reading it right away, I felt inspired by its idea that we should try to do a little every day to increase our knowledge. I've set these kinds of goals in the past; practice an hour of piano a day, exercise for 30 minutes a day, etc. However, my problem recently is that I have so many goals and although I've tried to force myself to choose between them, many are complimentary (although not in obvious ways) such that I can't bring myself to give any up. I can't do everything for at least 30 minutes a day (piano, guitar, studying music software, studying coding software, school assignments, school reading, learning Spanish, learning Japanese, and so on.) and still remain sane or have free time, which I've also recently come to accept is critical for my well-being. If I'm supposed to make time to play and relax with my family, I need a balance!

And it was when I considered this that I recalled my first real big success: weight loss. My first ten pounds were lost exercising just ten minutes a day using Wii Fit. Not hard exercise, just determination to make a little bit of time for it was enough. I have since gained back some weight, though I'm actually pretty happy about that (I thought I was getting too thin, so I am trying to balance it all out now and tone more), but that set a good, easy-to-follow habit for me. 10-Minute Goals! Could this work with other things? So, rather than piling more work upon myself than I could possibly accomplish and burning out, I am going to try it! A little bit of everything for ten minutes each day could help me to reach my goals! So far for this week, I think I'm doing pretty well!

There was one more problem, though. It's discouraging to work on things and not have anything to show for it. Perhaps I have become spoiled by being able to obtain trophies for the smallest of accomplishments on the PS3, but with Terinati rarely home and the cats' weird looks, I decided I needed something more to show for my hard effort. So, I got onto 43 Things and started adding goals! On this website, you can cheer on others who are working on their goals and be cheered on yourself. You'll notice that I have added two widgets at the bottom of my blog for goals I have added and goals I have accomplished as well. 43 Things also connects to Facebook. My goals are a little more official!

On the other hand, I feel like my blogs are too serious to reflect my true spirit, so here is something random!

For Christmas, we had my brother-in-law and his wife come over to share our holiday dinner. When they came, they brought us a box full of things they thought we may like and be able to make use of. Clayton, who has great mechanical ability, works basically as a technician for extremely fancy and complicated coffee machines. As such, he often gets free gifts which include some of the following:

Tiny tea/coffee cups...



Even tinier spoons!

The intended use of these objects are pretty obvious, but Terinati and I don't drink coffee and although I do love tea, I don't drink it too often. The cups are too small for our more common drinks, such as hot chocolate and hot apple cider, though I do plan on keeping them with the daydream in mind of having a cute tea party with girlfriends who come to visit. But how to make use of these in the meantime . . . ?

So, I came up with a few ideas!

First of all, I was pleased to find that the tiny spoons were actually just the right size for my tiny mugs! I had bought these mugs back when I was first moving out on my own into a studio apartment. The space was incredibly small, as was the stove. I had the tiniest little kettle and tiny mugs to go with it. The cashier at the Walmart I purchased them from actually teased me that these would be perfect for a "spot" of tea. Ha ha. The only problem was that my spoons were too big, and if you left them in the mug they actually had enough weight to knock the mugs over. Never will this be a problem again! ;)

Then, I was making hot dogs later in the week and went to grab a knife or a spoon to dish out condiments with. I saw the tiny spoons and suddenly had an idea! Rather than wasting a big piece of silverware to get out a tiny bit of condiments, I now had a tinier tool that was just the right size for scooping them out. :D Thanks, Clayton! It may not be the classy use it was intended for, but it works perfectly!

So, if you had a ton of tiny spoons, what uses would you find for them?

Translated by Yahoo Babelfish:

私は新年の決断で決して計画しない; 目的を有すれば、私は私がこれらのような伝統の考えを好むがそれにすぐに取り組むことを試みる。 但し、"がFritzyによってが私に見つけてあげたので; 実用的なProgrammer" そして私は実際に私感じた少し毎日をするように私達の知識を高めるために私達が試みるべきである考えによって促されてそれをすぐに読み始めた。 私はこれらの種類の以前目的を置いた; 30分の日日ピアノの1時間を、練習、等練習しなさい。 但し、私の問題は最近私が自分自身をあきらめるために連れて来ることができないこと私が自分自身をそのの間で選ばせる試みたが私にそう多くの目的および、 多数がである無料(がない明らかな方法で)そのような物あることである。 私は、コーディングソフトウェア、学校割り当て、学校の読書を調査し、日本語を学ぶスペイン語を等学ぶ。調査する)少なくとも30分の間日(ピアノ、ギ ターすべてを音楽ソフトウェアをすることができし、まだ健全に残らなかったり私がまた最近受け入れることをである私の福利のために重大来てしまったフリー タイムを過さない。 私の家族と遊び、緩む時間を作るために仮定されれば私はバランスを必要とする!

そしてそれは私は私の最初実質の大きい成功をリコールしたこと私がこれを考慮したときだった: 減量。 Wii適合を使用してちょうど10分に運動させる一日私の最初10ポンドは失われた。 犠牲、それのほんの僅か時間を作るちょうど決定の堅くない練習そしてトンは十分だった。 私はその後私がそれのすべて今バランスをとりには、多くにある調子を与えることを余りにも薄く、従って私が試みているなっていたことを私が実際にそのにつ いてかなり幸せ(Iは考えた)であるが、そのセットはよいの、私のための習慣に容易に続くけれども、重量を得た。 10分の目的! 他の事をこの使用はできたか。 従って、私はよりより多くの仕事を自分自身に積んでよりもむしろ多分達成でき、燃え尽きて、それを試みようと思っている! 10分の間ほんの僅かすべては毎日私が私の目的に達するのを助けることができる! これまではこの週の間、私は私がかなりよくしていることを考える!

1つのより多くの問題が、しかしあった。 それは事で動作し、それのために示すことを何も持たないためにがっかりさせる。 多分私はPS3の、Terinatiのまれに得られるによってだめになられるように家およびcats'の業積の最も小さいののためのトロフィをならなかっ た; 懐疑的な一見、私は私の堅い努力のために示すことを何かもっと必要とされたIを決定した。 従って、私は"に得た; 43 Things" そして目的を加え始められる! このウェブサイトで、彼らの目的に元気づけ取り組んでいる、あなた自身でことができる他の人で元気づける。 私が私が加えた私がまた達成した目的気づき、目的のための私のブログの底で2つの仕掛を加えたことに。 43の事はまたFacebookに接続する。 私の目的はやや公式である!

クリスマスのために、私達に私の義理の兄弟がい、彼の妻は私達の休日の夕食を共有することをやって来る。 それらが来たときに、私達に事の箱を私達は利用好み、できるかもしれないことを考えた十分に持って来た。 大きい機械能力があるClaytonは非常に豪華で、複雑なコーヒー機械のための技術者として基本的に働く。 したがって、彼は頻繁に次のいくつかを含んでいる自由なギフトを得る:

小さい茶またはコーヒーカップ…


より小さいスプーン!

これらの目的の意図されていた使用はかなり明らかであるが、Terinatiおよび私はコーヒーおよび頻繁に私が茶を愛するが、私を飲まないそれを余りに 飲まない。 コップは訪問するには私が来るガールフレンドが付いているかわいいお茶会を持っていることの空想とのそれらに留意することで計画するけれども、私達の共通 の飲み物のために余りにも小さい、ココアおよび熱いアップルサイダーのような。 しかしこれらを一方で利用する方法を…か。

従って、私は少数の考えを思い付いた!

まず、私は小さいスプーンが実際に私の小さいマグのためのちょうど右のサイズだったことが分るために喜んだ! 私は私がワンルームアパートに自分自身で最初移動である前にこれらのマグを買い戻した。 スペースはストーブがあったように、非常に小さかった。 私に最も小さく小さいやかんおよび小さいマグがそれと合うべきあった。 ウォールマートのキャッシャー私はこれらが茶の点のために完全であること実際に私悩まされるからのそれらを購入した。 Ha ha。 唯一の問題はマグにそれらを残したら私のスプーンが余りに大きかった、実際にマグをたたく十分な重量を有したことであり。 決してこれは再度問題ではない! ;)

それから、私はホットドッグを週の後半に作って、ナイフか香辛料をとの分配するためにスプーンをつかむことを行った。 私は小さいスプーンを見、突然考えを有した! ほんの僅か香辛料を出すために銀器の大きい部分を無駄にしてよりもむしろ私に今それらをすくうためのちょうど右のサイズだったより小さい用具があった。 :D ありがとう、Clayton! それがのために意図されていた、完全に働く上品な使用である!

従って小さいスプーンのトンを有したら、どんな使用をそれらのために見つけるか。

New Year, New Life

This weekend has been a perfect example of why it’s been hard for me to blog on a regular basis . . . well, beside the fact that our camera died and I am unsatisfied with the picture and video quality from our little cell phones. :} Terinati works most weekends, so the few hours that we have together are spent making the most of them by sharing our meals and playing games that we can only play together. I had Friday off of work because the office is closed for the New Year Holiday, but I woke up sick and by noon could barely think straight; I ended up sleeping most of the afternoon until Terinati came home from work, and this is a sickness has been flaring up on almost every weekend! Thankfully, I’m off of class for a little while and have some breathing room where I don’t need to do homework on the weekend for a change! But, I’m still putting in a full 8 hours of work on Sunday for overtime in order to not only help the public, but also because we’re pretty much just getting by right now with both of us going to school and both of us trying to work. Case in point, this is my third attempt at getting this blog written. :}

It’s been crazy busy. Since I got my first temporary job back in July, I had to drive to other cities to take advantage of work opportunities, some so far away that I had to stay in hotels and miss Terinati and the kitties for several days. Then, in September, I got a job closer to home but had class and lots of overtime work, and a severe cut in pay ($4.50 less an hour). Sure, I could force myself to blog, but I found there to be little to say other than the same old thing: tons of overtime, tons of school, need to sleep now. :} Crafting of food and other items has also come to a halt because we simply can’t afford most of the ingredients or equipment needed for new recipes.

However, as the New Year has arrived and we celebrated bringing in 2011 this morning, I feel so grateful for so many things that I would be remiss in blogging about them!

First of all, hooray to making it out of the most toxic place I have ever lived. Yes, we met several dear and awesome friends out on the east coast, but . . . nothing in this world could ever make me move back there. Never have I been around so many heartless people in my entire life (the most common complaints co-workers made at work was about other people at work or their own families). I don’t miss it (although we do miss our friends), and I think I can speak for all of us in our home when I say we feel a million times better since the move (the cats are much more peaceful and content than they were). Not only that, but the cost of living is much cheaper out here and we actually managed to find work, which wasn’t happening out there. Hooray! And, of course, we’re closer to family and other friends . . . so the rest of you should move out here and join us. ;)

Speaking of family, I got to spend time with my father and step-mom for the first time in nearly a decade outside of the wedding, which was great! It’s so wonderful to spend time with them and get to reach out to them on the phone because we are in the same time zone again. Hopefully, when we’re back on our feet financially, I will get to spend more time with Terinati’s family, too. Although, we are now living near his brother and his wife, so we do at least get to see them. :)

On that note, my brother also lives nearby and gave us a surprise visit, which was awesome! I felt bad that I had no gifts for him this year, but being able to spend time with him was really and truly special. I’m looking forward to keeping in touch with him and perhaps finally getting to see him perform with his band!

Familial and friendship blessings abound. I am eager to get our financial situation in order so that we can really reconnect with our friends from out here, but I have so much to thank everyone for despite our lack of being able to reach out that it can’t be held within this simple blog; it’d be far too long. Even though it’s sad when friendships don’t work out, I’m glad to have shed the negative people who just wanted to see bad things in me no matter what I did. I wasted so much time trying to prove my devotion to them, and now that they’re gone I feel free to give my love to those who have always been there for me and truly deserve it: the friends who believe in me and understand that I’m not perfect but that I’m trying my best. That’s all we can each do, right? So, thank you to everyone, especially Fritzy, who sent me a book to support my programming creativity even though I haven’t made much of my few skills yet. :} It’s nice to have friends who believe that you’re capable so long as you’re trying, and that kind of support is something that I’ve been missing.

So, going into the New Year, we may be poor, but we’re both working and doing our best. We don’t have a lot, but I feel like we’re blessed beyond reason. So much love fills our happy home that even with the struggles and losses we’ve faced in the past year, it’s impossible to go in to 2011 without a smile on my face. I feel that at my work I’m making a real difference in people’s lives, and my bosses appreciate what I contribute to our team. It may sound cheesy, but the love that is overflowing here . . . Well, sometimes I feel so lucky that I’m worried fate might strike us down for having too much. :o We’ve worked hard for this, though. Hopefully, I’ll be able to write more and share more of the wonderful changes that are going on, but in the meantime, I hope each of you has at least as wonderful of a New Year as we’re having here.

In your face, recession! :D

Translated by Yahoo Babelfish:

この週末はそれがずっとずっとブログに私のために堅い定期的に…よくなぜのか私達のカメラが死に、私が私達の小さい携帯電話からの映像およびビデオ質と不満足であるという事実の側の完全な例である。 :} Terinatiはほとんどの週末、そう殆んどを作っている私達が一緒に使われる私達の食事を共有し、だけ私達が一緒にしてもいいゲームをすることによっ て過す数時間を働かせる。 私はオフィスが新年の休日の間閉鎖しているが、私は病人を目覚め、正午によってやっとまっすぐに考えることができるので仕事の金曜日を過した; 私は午後の睡眠の上でほとんどTerinatiが仕事から家に帰った、これはずっとほとんどあらゆる週末に病気急に燃え上がっているであるまで終わり! 感謝して、私はクラス少しの間、私が変更のための宿題を週末にする必要はない一息入れる間を有する! 公衆、また私達が学校に行っている私達の両方とほとんどちょうど今得ているおよび働くことを試みている私達の両方しか助けないためにしかし、私はまだ時間 外労働のための日曜日に仕事の完全な8時間にので置くが。 、これ典型的な例はこのブログを書かれていて得ることに私の第3試みである。 :}

それはずっと狂気の使用中である。 私が7月に私の最初臨時の仕事を取り戻したので仕事の機会私がホテルにとどまり、Terinatiおよびキティを数日間逃さなければならなかったほど、遠 方を利用するために、私は他の都市に運転しなければならなかった。 それから、9月に、私は家に近い方の仕事を得たが、時間外労働仕事のクラスおよび多く、および厳しい切口の支払(1時間$4.50より少なく)を有した。 本当に、私はブログに自分自身を強制できるが同じ古い事以外言うべき少しであるとそこに見つけた: 時間外労働のトン、学校のトン、今眠る必要性。 :} 食糧および他の項目の制作はまた私達が新しい調理法のために必要とされる原料か装置のほとんどを単にできることができないので停止した。

但し、新年が着いた私達が2011年に今朝持って来ることを祝ったので、私は私がそれらことをについてのbloggingで不注意であることそう多くの事のためにとても感謝している感じ、!

まず、それに最も有毒な場所からにhooray私はすること住んでいたあることが。 はい、私達は東海岸の何人かの親愛なるおよび驚くばかりの友人に会った、…この世界の何もそこに私に移動をすることができなかった。 決してのまわりであっている私の全体の生命に私従って多くの不人情な人々を持ってはいけない(仕事でなされた共通の不平の協力者は仕事に他の人々か彼らの 自身の家族についてあった)。 私はそれを(私達が私達の友人を逃すが)逃さないし、あったより)私達は移動以来百万倍よりよく感じることを私が言うとき私が私達の家の私達皆のために話 してもいいことを考える(猫ははるかに平和、満足である。 ただ、しかし生活費がここに大いにより安いこと私達は実際にそこに起こっていなかった仕事を見つけることをどうにかして。 Hooray! そして、当然、私達は家族および他の友人に近い方に…ある従ってあなたの残りはここに動き、私達を結合するべきである。 ;)

家族について話して、私は大きかった結婚式の外のほぼ十年の私の父そしてステップお母さんとの時間をはじめて使うことを得た、! それは私達が同じ時間帯に再度いるので従ってすばらしいそれらとの時間を使い、電話のそれらに手を差し伸べることを得るためにある。 うまくいけば私達が私達のフィートに財政上もどって来るとき、私は余りにTerinatiの家族とのより多くの時間を使うことを得る。 、私達が彼の兄弟の近くに今および彼の妻、従って住んでいるが私達少なくともそれらを見ることを得なさい。 :)

そのノートで、私の兄弟はまた近くに住み、私達に驚くばかりだった驚きの訪問を与えた、! 私は私に彼のためのギフトが今年なかったが、彼との時間を使えるスペシャル実際にそして偽りなくあったこと悪い状態を感じた。 私は彼との連絡をとり、彼が彼のバンドと行うのを見ることを多分最終的に得ることを楽しみにしている!

家族性および友情の天恵は富む。 私は私達がからの私達の友人とここに実際に再接続してもいいが、私はそれがこの簡単なブログの内で保持することができないこと手を差し伸べられるの私達の 欠乏にもかかわらずに皆に感謝するためにそんなに持っているように順序で私達の財政の状態を得て熱望している; それは遠い余りに長い。 友情が解決しないときそれが悲しいのに、私は私がちょうど私の悪い事を見たいと思った否定的な人々を取除いて嬉しい。 私はそれらに私の献身を証明することを試みる時間をそんなに無駄にし彼らが行って私であるので私の愛を私のために与えそこに常にあった、偽りなく感じる人 に値して自由に: 私を信じ、私は完全ではないが、こと全力を尽くしていることを理解する友人。 それは私達によってそれぞれできるすべて、右であるか。 従って、皆、私が私の少数の技術の多くをまだ作っていないのに私のプログラミングの創造性を支えるために私に本を送った特にFritzyにありがとう。 ずっと私は行方不明であること試みている限り、そして種類のサポートは何かであること可能であることを信じる友人を持っていることは素晴らしい。

従って、新年に入って、貧しい私達はであり全力を働かせ、尽くす。 私達はたくさん持っていないが、私達が理由を越えて賛美されるように私は感じる。 そんなに愛は苦闘とのおよび損失私達が、それである私の表面の微笑なしで2011年に入ってが不可能過去1年間に直面してしまった私達の幸せな家を満た す。 私は私が人々の人生の実質の違いを生じている、私の主任は認める私の仕事で私が私達のチームに貢献するものをそれを感じ。 それは安っぽく、…ここに流出している愛に鳴るかもしれないが。 それで、時々私は幸運な私が心配しているほど運命があまりを持っていることのためにおろすために私達を打つかもしれない感じる。 :o 私達はこれのよう一緒にであるためにしかし懸命に働いた。 うまくいけば、私は私達がここに持っているとあなたのそれぞれに新年の少なくとも同様にすばらしいがあることを多くを書き、続いているが、一方で、私は望むすばらしい変更の多くを共有できる。

あなたの表面では、後退!

Settling In

After three days on the road with as much stuff as we could cram in the car, two cats included, we finally made it to our new home. The 14-hour days of driving were pretty rough, particularly because we didn't sleep as easily as we would have if I hadn't been worrying about how the cats were doing so much. However, the cats did amazingly well for the entire trip, and they accepted the house happily upon arrival. :)

Although Terinati had gone to view the house on my behalf previously, I had not actually seen it until that day. My mouth dropped when we got inside; it was better than I thought it would be! Although it is only a little more space and our furniture does not put it to the best use, the house is beautiful. Possibly the most exciting thing was to finally have our own washer and drier so that we can do laundry whenever we need to, and not whenever there was not someone else using it. Additionally, the windows provide lighting such that we never need to turn on the lights during the day, and the lights with the house are sufficient so that we no longer needed our lamps, which we gave away to family we have out here. The hardest part has been organizing the guest room, which also harbors all of our bookshelves. I am currently in the process of entering all of our books into goodreads.com so that I can see which ones I have read and which ones I haven't.

The cats, on the other hand, had a much easier time settling in with their more practical furniture.

Since moving in, I have done a ton of laundry because although most of our clothes had been packed clean, I am allergic to the dust that comes off of boxes and newspaper, so I have to wash them again before I can wear them. My Psychology of Women course also started a few days after our arrival, and our internet was set up just in time for me to get online and get to work! Otherwise, Terinati and I have had our eyes primarily on finding local jobs and have applied to many. Every day we try to apply for more jobs that appeal to us, but we have to wait to hear back from employers and every day longer it takes gives me more bad dreams about it, even though I feel sure we will be fine. :} I am just eager to have the tangible knowledge of being completely set.

Yesterday, however, we gave ourselves the day off to head to a local farmer's market and pick up some produce so that we could have family over for dinner and share it with them. Since I had rolled a random recipe to make before moving, I felt it was about time to get to it! The recipe was Light Cream of Mushroom Soup by Betty Crocker, and then I also chose to make a dessert: Strawberry Glace Pie, also by Betty Crocker. I was not expecting much from the soup, but it was fantastic! I forgot to take pictures (oops), but it was so good! I have never had mushroom soup so good before, so I will definitely make it again in the future. The pie was also surprisingly easy to make, and I wish I had made two because it was so awesome that I could not believe that I had made it myself.

So, I'm sorry there is not anything too interesting to report. I suspect things will be more interesting when we have more work and, consequently, get out of the house more. Meanwhile, the next random recipe off of my Excel spreadsheet is Cranberry Spinach Salad, a recipe I obtained from a coworker before I moved. It is meant to only be an appetizer, so we'll see about adding something else to mix and such.

Take care!

Yahoo Babelfish Translation to Japanese:

同様に多くの原料が付いている道の3日後で私達が車で詰め込むことができると含まれていた2匹の猫私達は私達の新しい家に最終的にそれを作った。 運転の14時間日は猫がいかにをそんなにしていたか私が心配しなかったら私達が持っている程に特に私達が容易に眠らなかったので、かなり荒かった。 但し、猫は全体の旅行のために非常によくし、到着に家を幸福に受け入れた。 :)

Terinatiが私の為の家を前に見ることを行ったが私は実際にその日までのそれを見なかった。 私の口は私達が中得たときに落ちた; それはそれ考えられたIがあるよりよかった! それがややより多くのスペースだけであり、私達の家具が最もよい使用にそれを置かないが、家は美しい。 おそらく最も刺激的な事は私達が必要とする、ない時はいつでも誰か他の人がそれを使用してなかった時はいつでも最終的に私達が洗濯をしてもいいように私達 の自身の洗濯機およびドライヤーを持つことであり。 さらに、窓は私達がもはや私達が私達はここにいる家族に与えた私達のランプを必要としなかったように私達が決してライトを日中つける必要はない家が付いて いるライトは十分であることそのような物をつけることを提供し。 最も堅い部分はまた私達の本だなすべてを隠すずっと客室を組織している。 私はgoodreads.comに私達の本にすべてを入ることの過程において私が読み、どれないどれが私が見ることができるように現在ある。

猫は、一方で、大いにより容易なひとときを彼らのより実用的な家具によって解決することを過ごした。

移動以来、私は私達の衣服のほとんどがずっと詰められたきれいであるが、私が私がそれらを身に着けてもいい前に箱および新聞の取れる、従って私はそれらを 再度洗浄しなければならない塵にアレルギーであるので洗濯のトンをした。 女性の私の心理学はまた数日私達の到着の後の始められて流れ、私達のインターネットは私に間に合うようにオンラインになり、働くことを得るようにちょうど セットアップされた! さもなければ、Terinatiにおよび私にローカル仕事を見つけることの私達の目が主にあり、多数に適用した。 私が感じるのに、毎日私達は私達に、本当に私達は良いことを私達は雇用者から聞くために待たなければなり、訴えるが毎日のより長い与える私にそれについて のより悪い夢を取るより多くの仕事に適用することを試みる。 :} 私は完全に配置の有形知識を持ってちょうど熱望している。

しかし昨日私達はローカルfarmer'に頭部に私達自身に休日を与えた; sの市場は私達に夕食のために家族がいそしてそれらとそれを共有できるように農産物を取り。 動く前に私が作るために任意調理法を転がしたので私は感じたそれに得る時間についてあったことを! 調理法はベティCrockerによってマッシュルーム・スープの軽いクリーム行い、それから私はまたデザートを作ることを選んだ: ベティCrocker著いちごのGlaceパイ、また。 私はスープからの多くを期待していなかったが、素晴らしかった! 私は映像(oops)を撮ることを忘れていたがそれはとてもよかった! 私は決してマッシュルーム・スープを従っての前によい食べたあらないことは、従って私は完全にそれを将来再度作る。 パイはまた作り意外にも易く私が私はそれを自分自身作ったことを信じることができなかったほどそれが驚くばかりだったので私が2つを作ったことを私は望 む。

従って、私は興味深い何でも報告するには余りにもないことを残念である。 私は私達がより多くの仕事を有し、従って家からもっと出るとき事がより興味深いことを疑う。 その間、Excelの私の展開表の次の任意調理法は私が動いた前にクランベリーのほうれんそうサラダ、私が協力者から得た調理法消えている。 前菜だけであることを意味する従って私達は組合せおよびそのような物へ何か他のものを加えることについて見る。

お元気で!

Packed in a POD

Last week was quite busy, so much that I entirely forgot about my blog. That's okay, because this will be a short one anyhow.

Starting on Monday, I tasked myself with putting the final items into boxes. It's not as easy as it sounds when you want to eat, cook, and be able to enjoy your accessories one more time. Our POD arrived on Tuesday, at which point we had to get it its own parking permit to be in our apartment's lot because there isn't enough space for the cars of the residents. :/ Sorry, fellow residents!

Wednesday, our Packing Party Day, ended up being a total whirlwind of crazy! Terinati and I started moving our boxes into the POD early in the morning and ran some last minute errands early because we knew that our friends would be coming to help in the early afternoon. We felt that we were making good time when Terinati's cell phone suddenly gave out! It would ring, but the screen just showed white haze, and he couldn't answer any of the calls. Not only that, but he couldn't make calls unless he put the phone on speaker and used voice commands. This was a critical crisis because we had a broken windshield and were expecting a call on that phone when the folks were coming to replace it (and they didn't know where the car was), not to mention that Terinati is pretty much our main contact for the move in every way. However, I had an idea! Since I upgraded to a new cell phone earlier in the year but kept my fully-functional, cute LG phone that I so love, Terinati would not need to get a new phone. We just needed to go to our cell phone store and get it set up, because doing it on the phone would probably take much longer than having a professional just do it themselves.

To try and keep a long story short, we got back with the new phone only to discover that my charging cable was dysfunctional and Terinati had to go out and replace it for a dollar. Once that was done, though, everything was fine! One of our friends, Paula, went above and beyond the call of duty to help us move our giant couch down five flights of stairs because it wouldn't fit in the elevator, and then later came her husband, Ryan, and our other friends Sara and Conrad. With all of their help, we managed to pack more efficiently. After hanging out at a little tavern called McGinty's, Terinati and I stayed up until 3am to finish the remainder of the packing so that no matter when the POD people arrived the next day, everything would be ready to go. That morning, we slept on the floor, sore but happy.

Having nearly no things in the apartment and no furniture has been surprisingly relaxing. I could swear that the apartment is quieter, and I never realized what boundaries furniture put between myself and the cats. Now that they can stroll up to my lap at any given moment, they are far happier with our relationship. Tatsu no longer meows up at me as I sit on a chair to do my homework; he simply comes up and nuzzles me whenever he pleases! Consequently, Terinati and I are now considering getting more floor furniture, especially since we had to give away some furniture in the move (two chairs broke before we even started packing). Plus, we love Japanese furniture anyway and it saves so much space . . . so, why not?

Thankfully, though, Paula and Ryan saved us again and let us borrow their air mattress. :) Hooray!

After cleaning the apartment up a bit, we had a good-bye picnic on our bare floor on Saturday afternoon, and then celebrated my dear friend, Kyriel, for her birthday this week. I'm glad that I was here to participate, because of course I am going to miss her a lot, along with other friends I have made since coming here. And then, of course, Sunday was Father's Day. Though it will be late, I am excitedly waiting for gifts to my father and step-mother, who both also had birthdays this month, arrive on Wednesday. :)

Oh, and speaking of gifts, now you can know that I gave my husband a large portrait of us at the wedding for our first anniversary! We're both excited to put it up in our new house once we arrive, because that's just one of things that makes a home truly home.

Anyway, I apologize for a somewhat bland blog. I expect the next week will be far more interesting with the actual move, but for now I must go as we still have several folks to say good-bye to and final journeys to make before we quest across the country. Talk later!

Japanese Translation from Yahoo Babelfish:

先週は私が私のブログについて完全に忘れていたことかなり使用中、そんなにだった。 それはこれが何としても短い1であるので、良い。

月曜日を始めて、私は箱に最終的な項目を入れることとの自分自身に任せた。 それはなくなる前にあなたの付属品をもう一度楽しめる食べ、調理し、たいと思うときそれが鳴る程に容易ではない。 私達のポッドは火曜日に着いた、その時点で私達はそれに私達のapartment'にある自身の駐車割り当てを得なければならなかった; あるので居住者の車のための十分なスペースがないのでsのロット。 :/ 残念な、居住者!

水曜日、狂気の総旋風があることの上で終わる私達のパッキング党日! 私達の友人は昼下がり助けることを来ていたことを私達が知っていたのでTerinatiおよび私はポッドに私達の箱を朝早く動かし始め、あるどたん場の用 事を早く動かした。 私達は私達がよい時間をTerinati'作っていたことに感じた; sの携帯電話は突然与えた! それは鳴るが、スクリーンはちょうど白い霞および彼をの呼出し答えることができなかった示した。 ただ彼がスピーカーに電話を置き、声命令を使用したら、しかし彼が呼出しをすることができなかったこと。 これはTerinatiがほとんどあらゆる方法で移動のための私達の主要な接触であること車がどこにあったか人々がそれ(および彼らを知らなかった)取り 替えることを来ていたときに私達が壊れた風防ガラスを経験した、言及にその電話の呼出しをない期待していたので重大な危機。 但し、私は考えを有した! 私が新しい携帯電話に年の初めに改善してが、私がそう愛する私の十分に機能的で、かわいいLGの電話を保ったから、Terinatiは新しい電話を得る必 要はない! 私達はちょうど専門家を持っていてちょうどそれを自身しなさいより電話のそれをすることがおそらく大いに時間がかかるので私達の携帯電話の店に行き、それ をセットアップされて得る必要があった。

長い物語の不足分を試み、保つために、私達は新しい電話によって私の充満ケーブルが正常に機能しなく、Terinatiが出かけ、ドルのためのそれを取り 替えなければならなかったことだけを発見することを戻った。 それがされたら、すべてがうまくあったけれども! 私達の友人の1つは、ポーラ、義務の呼出しの上でそしてを越えてエレベーターで合わないので私達が5つの一続きの階段の下の私達の巨大なソファを動かすの を助けることを行った。 後で彼女の夫、ライアンおよび私達の他の友人サラおよびコンラッドは来た。 彼らの助けすべてによって、私達はもっと効率的に詰まることをどうにかして。 小さい居酒屋でさよならを言う時を過ごすことの後でそれらおよび他の友人とMcGinty'を呼んだ; ポッドの人々が翌日着いてもいつ、すべてが行って準備ができているのはs、Terinatiおよび私は3amまでパッキングの残りを終えるために起きてい たからである。 その朝に、私達は床、傷幸せで眠った。

、ポーラおよびライアンが私達を再度救い、彼女達のエアマットレスを借りることを許可したけれども、感謝して。 :) Hooray!

ビットの上のアパートをきれいにした後、私達は土曜日の午後の私達の裸の床のさようならピクニックを有し、次に私の親愛なる友人、彼女の誕生日のための Kyrielを、この週祝った。 私は私がここに加わることいたこと私がここに来ること以来作っていた他の友人と共に私が彼女をたくさん逃そうと思っているコースのために嬉しい。 そして次に、当然、日曜日はFather'だった; s日。 それが遅いけれども、私は私の父に興奮してギフトを待っていて、また持たれていた誕生日が両方とも水曜日にこの月、着く義母。:)

ああ、ギフトについて話して、今私が私達の最初記念日のための結婚式で私の夫に私達の大きい肖像画を与えたことを知り! We' 私達の新居にそれを置く両方の興奮するに関してそれが家の家を偽りなく作る事のちょうど1つであるので、私達が着けば。

とにかく、私は幾分柔和なブログを謝る。 私は私達が全国各地から捜す前に私達がまだにさよならを言う何人かの人々および作るべき最終的な旅行を有するので翌週が実際の移動とはるかに興味深いが、 今のところ私が行かなければならないことを期待する。 後で話!

1-year Anniversary!

As the title indicates, today is Terinati’s and my one-year anniversary (we will have been together thirteen years in December, but married one year as of today!). According to Emily Post, first year gifts are supposed to be related to paper, which opens up a large realm of possibilities. Since my husband has not gotten to open his gift yet, you will have to wait until next week to learn what it is! Additionally, we are not celebrating today the way most people do. Since we are moving so soon and today is one of the last days we can see some of our friends, once Terinati is done with work, we will be heading out to play Dungeons and Dragons for the last time this afternoon. However, we are celebrating in our own subtle ways; I have changed my Restaurant in Restaurant City on Facebook to the theme of romance, and we have plans for eating the cake we froze from our wedding day later in the week.

On Monday, Terinati and I watched Gattaca, a film that came out a year after the Human Genome Project started. I’m usually not sure what to make of sci-fi films since they can so easily become dated or are just based on sheer nonsense to begin with just to freak people out, but this one was a pretty good movie in my humble opinion! I won’t spoil anything for those who haven’t seen it, but despite it being a very dated film (now that the Human Genome Project is completed, the reality of this kind of future is far more complex than we can currently reach scientifically, at least so said Professor Pinel in 2009), it has an interesting story . . . except for one part. Don’t read this last bit if you haven’t seen it yet!! SPOILER: Why on earth would a girl sleep with a man she thinks may be a murderer? That just beat the crap out of an officer for no apparent reason? What on earth was she thinking?! Why are women constantly having relationships with men in movies when they should know darn well that it’s a bad idea? That was the only thing that really bothered me about the film.

Moving along to other not-so-important things, I managed to get the Pet Sitter achievement in Island Paradise. I love the cute animations of the animals in that game when I care for them; the artwork is something that keeps me returning to it in Facebook.

On Friday, we took Stardust and Tatsu, our cats, to the vet for their final check-up. Because Stardust does not like the vet, we always put Soft Paws on her before we go in so that she can do a little less damage. In general, despite the vet getting very freaked out, I also try to handle Stardust myself. Even though she looks scary, it has always been my experience that I can manage her better than everyone else in the building. She is my best friend, after all, so I am well aware of her weaknesses, strengths, and how to keep her still. And, unlike the vets, I am not surprised at all by her anger! She does not know that what they are doing are for her own good, just that it stings and she doesn’t know them! Frankly, if I had to be taken away to some strange place where people stuck things up my butt, I would be very upset as well. It seems like this would be something vets would think about, but they don’t.

Anyway, despite being used to the routine, this time Stardust attempted to make a last stand! She had never been so fierce before! She got much bigger than usual, and kept her body curled in such a way that she looked like a miniature Fu Lion! Knowing my dear, crazy, and fierce friend, I knew that if I could just get my hand to the right spot, I could stop her tirade, but Stardust’s display scared the vets so much that they would not have me helping and wrapped her in a towel, which proved to be entirely ineffective. In the end, Stardust and Tatsu both received their vaccinations and came home fine. For some reason, though, when Stardust returns she always blames everything on Tatsu, hissing at him. He tries very sweetly to console her, but is usually unsuccessful.

Oh! More importantly, during our packing, I rediscovered a pair of sunglasses given to me by a previous employer that has a camera in it. I’m hoping to share footage with you some of the time, though it is a bit fuzzy!







Now we are heading into our final days with our things. On Wednesday, we are having a packing party wherein we are going to be loading the majority of our things into a POD, then stay in the apartment for a week longer to finish cleaning up and say our good-byes to our friends before we drive out to the other side of the country. It is a little intimidating, but I have things to distract me, like my class! This week in Children and Violence, we are learning about bullies and their impact in school settings. Last week was dealing with violence in the media, which gave me the rare opportunity to review Sailor Moon! I always think that it is a good week when I get to write an essay that either involves cats or Sailor Moon.

More excitingly, in the mail I received a nomination to join the National Society of Collegiate Scholars. This probably has something to do with my GPA of 3.92! Exciting! Anyway, I have a lot of reading to do and need to get ahead in my homework to prepare for the move. Wish us luck!!

Japanese Translation from Yahoo Babelfish:

タイトルが示すと同時に、Terinatiおよび私の1年記念日(私達は一緒に12月13年、今日現在に1年!結婚してしまう)は今日ある。 エミリーのポストに従って、可能性の大きい王国を開発する最初年のギフトはペーパーと関連しているために仮定される。 私の夫が彼のギフトをまだ開けることを得なかったのでそれがであるもの学ぶために来週まで待たなければならない! さらに、私達はほとんどの人々が方法を今日祝っていない。 私達がそうすぐに動いて、今日私達が私達の友人の何人か会うことができる最後の日の1才であるのでTerinatiが仕事とされれば最後のための地下牢そ してドラゴンを今日の午後するために、私達は先頭に立つ。 但し、私達は私達の自身の微妙な方法で祝っている; 私はロマンスの主題にFacebookのレストラン都市の私のレストランを変え、私達は私達が私達の婚礼の日から週の後半に凍らせていたケーキを食べるた めの計画を有する。<3パッキングおよびする宿題以外、ずっと週は比較的平穏無事である:>

月曜日で、Terinatiおよび私はGattacaのヒトゲノムプロジェクトが始まった後年出て来たフィルムを見た。 私は通常人々をひどく神経質にしそれらがそう容易に日付がつくようになってもいかったりまたは薄いナンセンスにちょうどから始めるようにちょうど基づいているので確実エスエフ映画の作るべきことこの1だった私の控え目な意見のかなりよい映画ではないが! 私は私達が現在そう言われた教授に科学的に、Pinel 2009年に少なくとも達してもいいよりはるかに複雑ヒトゲノムプロジェクトが完了するのでそれを見なかったが、それにもかかわらず非常に日付がついたフィルムであることに1部を除いて(、この種類の未来の現実である)、それは興味深い物語が…ある人のための何もだめにしない。 それをまだ見なかったらこの最後のビットを読んではいけない!! スポイラー: なぜ彼女あるように殺人者が考える人との女の子の睡眠か。 それは役人からちょうどがらくたを明らかな理由もなく打ったか。 考えている彼女はだった何か。! 女性はなぜ映画で絶えずそれは悪い考えであること繕いをよく知るべきであるとき人との関係を持たれているか。 それは実際にフィルムについての私に迷惑を掛けた唯一の事だった。

他のないそう重要な事に動いて、私は島の楽園のペット付き添いの達成を得ることをどうにかして。 私は私がそれらを気遣うときそのゲームの動物のかわいい生気を愛する; アートワークはFacebookで私をそれに戻らせ続ける何かである。

金曜日で、私達は彼らの最終的な検査のための獣医にStardustおよびTatsuの私達の猫を、取った。 Stardustが獣医を好まないので、私達は彼女に彼女がより少ない損傷をややしてもいいように私達が入る前に柔らかい足を常に置く。 一般に、非常に得ている獣医にもかかわらず、私またStardustを扱うことを試みる自分自身ひどく神経質になった。 彼女が恐く見るのに、それは私が建物の皆より彼女のよい管理してもいいこと私の経験いままで常にだった。 彼女は私の親友である、彼女をまだ保つ方法を結局、そう私は彼女の弱さ、強さよくに、気づき。 そして、獣医とは違って、私は彼女の怒りによって全然驚かない! 彼女はしていることをことを彼女の自身のよいのためであって下さい、刺すそれらを知らないちょうどそれ知らないし、! 人々が私のバットの上の事を付けた奇妙な場所に取り除かれなければならなかったら率直に、私はまた非常に取り乱している。 それはこれのようにである何か診察する約考えるようであるが、それらはようではない。

とにかく、ルーチンへの使用にもかかわらず、今回Stardustは最後の立場を作るように試みた! 彼女はいままで決して前にあまり激しくなかった! 彼女は彼女がFuのミニチュアライオンのように見えたように通常より大いに大きく、カールした彼女の体保たれてなり! 私の親愛なる、狂気、および激しい友人を知っていて、私は彼らに私がおよび完全に非効果的であると証明したタオルの彼女包まれて助けることをないこと右の 点にちょうど私の手を得ることができれば私は彼女の弾劾演説を停止できるがStardustの表示は獣医をそんなにおびえさせたことを知っていた。 ついに、StardustおよびTatsuはワクチン接種を受け取り、家の罰金来た。 どういうわけか、けれども、Stardustが戻るとき彼女は彼で音を立てるTatsuにすべての常に責任にする。 彼は彼女を慰めることを非常に甘く試みるが通常不成功である。

ああ! もっと重大に、私達のパッキングの間に、私はそれでカメラを持っている前の雇用者が私に与えた組のサングラスを再発見した。 私はそれが曖昧なビットであるけれども、時間の一部あなたと長さを共有することを望んでいる!

今度は私達は私達の事の私達の最終的な日に先頭に立っている。 水曜日で、私達は私達が国の反対側に追い払う前に私達がポッドに私達の事の大半に荷を積もうと思っているかパッキング党を有したりそして週のためのアパー トにきれいになることを終わり、私達の友人に私達のよいbyes言うためにより長くとどまる。 それは少し威圧的であるが、私は私のクラスのように私を、混乱させる事を有する! 子供および暴力のこの週、私達は学校の設定のいじめっ子そして彼らの影響について学んでいる。 先週は私に船員の月を見直すまれな機会を与えた媒体の暴力を取扱っていた、! 私は私が猫か船員の月を含むエッセイを書くことを得るのはよい週であると常に考える。 とにかく、私は移動のために準備することをし、私の宿題で前方に得る必要があるべき多くの読書を有する。もっと興奮して、郵便で私は大学学者の国民の社会に加わるために指名を受け取った。 これはおそらく3.92の私のGPAに関与している! 刺激! 私達に運を望みなさい!!

Moving Along

It's been a long time since I've blogged or had anything I felt was blog-worthy, even though there have been a lot of changes between my last post in November and now. A lot of big changes! We're moving from one coast of America to the other!! =^oo^= That's a big deal!

But, I also thought about how there are many blogs on the internet and how when I started mine, it was just a way to keep in touch with people and to share my ideas or special announcements when I felt the need to. However, now that I'm on Facebook and Twitter, that purpose doesn't seem as necessary! So, I left the blogging world for a while.

Then, I watched "Julie & Julia" with Terinati a month or so back, and I was like, "How neat!" I don't really want to make money off of a blog. I mean, sure, it'd be nice . . . but I don't really have that kind of focus. I just thought it was cool that I'm trying to learn so many things. Maybe I could share my process and other people may be inspired or learn something from it. Then again . . . I never even heard of her blog before that movie came out, and I can't imagine how interesting it is to read about someone making food. Perhaps I have a failure of imagination.

And then, I thought about some of my favorite blogs, some of which have seem to have gone silent, and I thought to myself, "These are great blogs! Maybe I can use that kind of idea!" For example, one of my favorite blogs is by a native Japanese guy who writes to practice his English. However, I don't know enough kanji to practice it, let alone know where to get the fonts and such to do it properly. :} Ha ha. :/ Plus, what do people in Japan want to know about?

I don't really know what people are interested in reading. But, I guess I have the hope that if I be myself a little bit and share a bit, maybe someone else can learn from it too or maybe will eventually ask a question that will make it worth the effort of translating. So, the first major difference you'll notice is that there is a Japanese translation below. I didn't translate it, and I apologize right away for any errors! I used Yahoo Babelfish, and I hope that someday I will be able to do this myself. For now, it will have to do.

And, I thought I should try to blog once a week. Maybe it'll encourage me to get more done and to find something interesting in each week. I've tried this before and failed, but I take this as a sign that I'm not putting myself out there enough! So, I must take more risks, and hopefully that will lead to interesting (but not tragic) things.

Finally, there's the move coming up. I'm sure that will bring up some topics of interest. It's going to be a crazy trip. Starting next week, we have to load up a POD. After that, we have a week left in the apartment with no stuff and two cats. :} Following that, we will be traveling 3 days by car with the kitties to our new home. All of this is also during my last week of my "Children and Violence" course as well as the beginning of my course on Women for psychology. Should be interesting.

Anyway, I'm hoping to include more pictures and more adventures, but we'll see how it goes. I can't promise anything because life is crazy and tends to not go as planned. I'm sure you all know what I mean! If nothing else, perhaps my blogs will be more short and sweet. ;)

Wish me luck!



Japanese Translation from Babelfish:

ずっとそれはのそして今私の最後のポスト11月間に多くの変更がずっとあるのに、私が私がブログ価値がある感じた何でもbloggedか、または有したの で長い時間である。 多くの大きい変更! 私達はアメリカの1つの海岸から他に移っている!! =^oo^= それは大事である!

しかし、私はまた私が必要性を感じたときに私が私の物を始めたときにインターネットに多くのブログがいかにある、そしていかにについて、それが人々と連絡 をとり、私の考えか特別な発表を共有するちょうど方法だったか考えた。 但し、のでI' FacebookおよびTwitterのmは必要に応じて、その目的ようではない! 従って、私はblogging世界をしばらく残した。

それから、私は"を見た; ジュリーの& Julia" Terinatiによって月かそう背部、および私のように、"はあった; 端正いかに! " 私は実際にブログのお金をもうけたいと思わない。 私は、本当に、それを素晴らしい…意味する私は実際にその種類の焦点を持っていない。 私はちょうど私が練習のための任意調理法をするそう多くの事を、学ぶことを試みていることそれが涼しかったことを考えた。 多分私は私のプロセスを共有でき、他の人々は促されるか、またはそれからの何かを学ぶかもしれない。 また…。 私は決して映画が出て来た、興味深い食糧を作っている誰かについて読むこといかにであるか想像できないこと彼女のブログを前に聞かなかったし。 多分私は想像の失敗を有する。

そして次に、私はいくつかが無声に行くようである持っている自分自身の"に考えた私の好みのブログのいくつかについて考え、; これらは大きいブログである! 多分私はその種類の考えを使用してもいい! " 例えば、私の好みのブログの1つは彼の英語を練習するために書く原産の日本の人によって行う。 但し、私はそれをは言うまでもなく練習する十分な漢字壷およびそのような物をそれをきちんとするためにどこで得るか知りなさいことを知らない。 :} Ha ha。 :/ プラス、人々は何を日本の約知りたいと思うか。

私は実際にどんな人々が読書に興味があるか知っていない。 しかし、私は私がI自分自身が少しあり、ビットを共有すれば、多分誰か他の人はそれから余りに学ぶことができたりまたは多分結局翻訳の努力の価値を持って それを作る質問をするという希望を有することを推測する。 従って、あなたが気づく最初の主な違いは次日本翻訳があることである。 私はそれを翻訳しなかったし、あらゆる間違いをすぐに謝る! 私はYahoo Babelfishを使用し、いつの日か私がこれをされる自分自身ことを望む。 とりあえず、それはしなければならない。

そして、私は私がブログに週に一度試みるべきであることを考えた。 多分それは私を毎週よりされて得、何かを興味深い見つけるように励ます。 私はこれをの前に試み、が失敗した、私が自分自身を十分にそこに消していないという印としてこれを取る! 従って、私はより多くの危険を取らなければなりうまく行けばそれは興味深く(悲劇的ではない)事をもたらす。

最後に、移動上がることがある。 私は興味のあるトピックを持ち出すことを確かめる。 それは狂気旅行であることを行っている。 来週始まって、私達はポッドに荷を積まなければならない。 その後で、私達は原料および2匹の猫無しでアパートに残っている週を過す。 :} それに続いて、私達は私達の新しい家にキティが付いている車で3日旅する。 これすべては私の"の私の先週の間にまたある; 子供およびViolence" 心理学のための女性の私のコースの始めと同様、コース。 興味深いべきである。

とにかく、私はより多くの映像およびより多くの冒険を含むことを望んでいるがそれがいかに行くか私達は見る。 私は生命が狂気、計画通りに行きがちであるので何でも約束できない。 私は私が意味するものをすべて知っていることをことを確かめる! 何も、多分私のブログはより簡潔である。 ;)

私に運を望みなさい!

"I'm A Horrible Person"

Just Google it: "I'm a Horrible Person." You'll find so many sites, as I did this morning, where ordinary people admit to their guilt and regrets that they may not be able to express online, from feeling bad about how they've treated other people to make themselves feel better, all the way to unintentional harms done to oneself or others. I had wondered if I was the only one who questioned the accuracy of her own moral compass from time to time, but now find it worth writing because my inner doubt stems from something very different than what I've seen so far. I have good self-control for accomplishing my goals, which is why I've stopped worrying about my list and will remove my widget when I'm ready. In fact, it hasn't really been a problem as much as my real problem: learning to walk away from a goal, which is why it is so important for me to let that list go.

I used to feel that the world was incredibly unfair (in some ways, it probably is, but I'm not really sure how to measure that accurately), that I'd been given a bad hand, and when people hurt me and I got upset, they just didn't get it. All of that is true to a point . . . but, I also never knew when to let go and give up before I got too hurt, and if I only had . . . how much hurt and anger and darkness could have been avoided? How much lighter would my soul be now?

It's been a problem throughout my life that I think stems from the lack of control I had growing up to make my own choices. Some of the time that was just parents doing parenting, but other times it was just plain abusive. All I wanted in my life was to feel loved and to be free to make my own choices. That sounds simple, but it really isn't.

In a way, it became a desire to control the situation too much, even though I never thought of it like that. My intentions were always good, like, "If I stay by her side, she'll see that I'm her good friend someday," or, "I don't have to put up with these people breaking the law right in front of me; someone should stand up to them!" And finally, "The ethics in this workplace are such a mess! And people are doing horrible things. I should try to fight it!" The only ones I did right was, "This is a horrible place for me to live, so I'm going to get out of here," and "Wow, this professor is doing crazy stuff; I'm out of here!" The lesson that I didn't really learn was that I needed to run away, to let it go.

I didn't want to allow people to hurt me anymore, or to chase me away, though, so I was really stupid and bullheaded about it. What a waste of my life, though! I would have been happier if I had left! Stupid pride! Time and time again, trying to "hold on" and "stick through it" really weren't the best options for me. Okay, I grew up looking to big heroes, so I had this notion that I could help, that I could change things. Reality check: I can't change people! I knew that in my head, but thought if I gave it my all, I could still plant the seed of change perhaps. I thought if I did all the right things and worked hard, then I could set a good example, make a difference, show people that there's another way.

So, why does that make me a horrible person? Well, if you hang on to something, and hang on to it, and hang on to it, eventually you get really worn from hanging on. There starts to be strain, but it's so gradual and because you've never truly let go, you don't even notice what's happening to you. That's what happened to me at my last job. There was one day when I couldn't take, in my heart, how I was being treated anymore. I came in early, left late, and even came in on the weekends (without pay). I worked overtime and got no lunch at the time. Yet, my boss was purposefully sabotaging my work because, as she said back then, "I thought she didn't care enough." I wanted to quit so bad, but convinced myself that I had to stay, that I had no choice, because I was scared of losing the financial stability. And, when I went to HR, they sort of fixed it . . . but, this is where the corruption seeped in. I knew I couldn't trust my boss again. I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. How could I know she wasn't lying? I was going to be paranoid until my last day, and my reason for staying ultimately became not the finances, but trying to prove that I could survive her, that I could survive everyone else's drama, and basically fight back. :( That is so the wrong reason to stay someplace!

Over the years, I didn't even notice how angry I was becoming. I didn't even really know when I threatened to quit some months back. At that point, they knew I wasn't happy, obviously, and even after the problems were fixed, I think my performance was colored by the intense dissatisfaction of them knowing that I had even considered leaving. I knew my time was ticking down, but still tried to convince myself that I could hang on, that I would be okay . . . but in the end, it was horrible for me, and I lost my job on the 3rd. I don't regret being asked to leave because I was clearly unhappy (though, I am pretty shocked to find out what my current boss thought of me, because she never gave me any warning whatsoever . . . I've been concerned for a while that she lies or exaggerates things, though, so I should have known better; so much for trying to see the best in people, eh?), but I regret that I didn't quit sooner. I regret that I allowed myself to get so wrapped up in trying to fix something that clearly can't be fixed. Whenever I made suggestions, my words got twisted, so it truly was pointless. And, I regret that I spent so much time upset and unhappy when it could have been changed. I mean, now I have phone call after phone call of people who want to hire me, so clearly finances wouldn't have been a problem. And all of this corrupted me, left me angry, made it horrible for me at work and at home . . . I became a very, very ugly person!

I've never liked letting go. When I was little, I knew many people who died, most of them without me having a chance to say good-bye to them. There was even one very important person that I wish I could reconnect with, but probably will never be able to. When you're forced to let things go, to give up, it makes you that much more determined to never let go . . . Like I said, I just wanted to be loved (and to share my love). All good intentions, but not all good actions and results unfortunately. I've been gradually learning , but this was like the biggest bonk on the head ever, like, "STOP IT AND LEARN TO LET THINGS GO!" So, now I have. To the point where I've even asked Terinati to promise that if he sees me getting really upset about something, he'll let me know that he sees it and ask me to let it go. I never want to say to myself again, "If I'd just quit back then," or "If I'd just let her leave me behind," or "If I'd just cried, felt hurt for a while, and then moved on . . ." I've been so scared of taking that risk, that I would regret not holding on, that I'd be giving up when I shouldn't be, that I'd be a failure . . . But after seeing the damage it can do to my personality . . . Holy crap! I don't want to be a horrible person!

So, I apologize to anyone I let down or hurt along the way. It was never my intention. And to all those people who also posted their confessions online, thank you for letting me know I'm not completely alone in my remorse. I knew that I wasn't, but it's another thing to see the words written down. At any rate, now I have a new path open in front of me, and I'm excited (and scared) to go down it. However, this is the best opportunity I could ask for, and I think Fate is smiling at me and just trying to lead me (albeit a bit forcefully) in the right direction because I was too much of a coward to do it myself. From now on, I'm going to take more risks and be willing to let more things go. All holding on will do is hurt me, and make me hurt others. I have to believe that I can overcome that. So, a cheer to all of us who are making an effort to not be the horrible people we fear are inside each of us.

Carrier of Happiness

So, a few quick updates first. I am tracking my goals, but it is a lot of trouble right now to post on the blog about them. I have not given up, though! There's just too much drama right now.

And, drama and justice are kind of what I feel like talking about. I often don't like talking about these things and try to keep my woes to myself because I feel like it is a horrible burden to lay on others. It is bad enough that Terinati often has to hear me out, very affectionately I may add, but I also generally don't like spreading negativity. It doesn't do anyone any good. There are only two reasons I talk about problems: 1.) to sort it out for myself so that I can come to terms with whatever the resolution will be, and 2.) to attempt resolution.

To me, a resolution should involve justice. It seems that many people have different ideas about what that is, and it's kind of scary to look at, especially when you're studying creepy behavior patterns in social psychology at the same time. To me, it's being fair and reasonable. You can't have a true resolution without it. If you solve a problem based on someone else's lies, it's bound to fall apart eventually, and if you solve a problem by not communicating, then assumptions are going to be made that are hurtful (intrapersonal conflict is the source of most problems, I think).

But what about the people working against justice? I'm not about to say how much I hate you or what horrible people you are, but . . . what I do feel is that I don't understand you. Why is it better to continue a fight, just because you've lost? Why is it better to fight at all? Why are there some of you who don't want to work things out? Why on earth would you not want to resolve things? Why be hurtful?

Actually, I know a lot of the reasons. I've been reading about them for months now in my classes. But, it's still hard for me to accept because I can't be that way, even with years of experience witnessing it firsthand. It occurred to me a few days ago that this has been a constant in my life, to be attacked in one way or another by someone, or a few people at once from different sides. Sometimes it's not an attack, but abandonment for reasons beyond understanding, but that can hurt just as badly. The only thing that has changed is me realizing that I didn't do anything to deserve it after all, nothing I do to change will change how the other parties feel about me because they've made up their minds and are ignoring the facts on top of refusing to communicate to find a solution, and that all I can do is be assertive when I need to be. I'm doing the best I can in life, and that's all I can do. (Do other people go through this? I haven't really met anyone who has, or has been open enough to talk about it.)

And yet, that kind of justice is unsatisfying. The hero in these stories (not just me; I've watched others suffer too) is often quiet when first attacked because they want to give a chance, or see that there is the potential for this person to not be the villain they seem to be. "Don't jump to conclusions, even when all of the facts line up!"

I actually had this problem with a video game I played with my friend Athena, once. Colonel's Bequest. Spoiler warning, in case you want to find this old game and play it 'cause you haven't already (and I think you should! Loved it!)!! Anyway, your best friend is Lillian, and the only reason you get tied up in the mess is because of her. Throughout the game, I thought of her like I would my real life best friend, someone I wanted to protect and felt sorry for . . . when suddenly Athena turns to me and says, "I think she's the killer." I was like, "What? No, that can't be. They're best friends!" Athena kind of went quiet, and I knew she was thinking, "Um, hello?" but she's nice and didn't tell me how dumb I was to my face because we're friends. I mean, people had been talking about Lillian being crazy, the shadow outline even looks like her outline (amongst other clues, like the pink feathers), and now she's sitting in a playhouse with a chalkboard that has a count that matches the number of people who died . . . Yep, totally innocent! :} Keep in mind, I was much younger then, and still very naive about many people! Sure enough, Lillian had been killing off everyone, up to the end when she was killed herself. I wasn't upset that Athena was right, but I still didn't want it to be true. I think all good people are that way sometimes (not to say Athena isn't a good person; she is, most definitely, but she was seeing the facts more clearly than me that day!), but I'm that way all of the time, so I hate seeking justice because then I have to see and often times portray someone in a bad light.

Meanwhile, the villains in these tales tend to see perceived slights that never happen, and because this is the case there is little one can do to fight it; these nonexistant problems don't stop them from making the biggest deal out of nothing at all. How do you fight an imaginary monster that's attacking you? It certainly doesn't give you much to say about it. Imagine being summoned to your HR office and being accused of something that never even occurred to you could be done. The shock is genuine, but, for someone like me who is frequently speechless in front of people who aren't my friends (or online), it looks like the shock and guilt of someone who's been found out.

Thankfully, I've gone beyond this and manage to have a few words, even if they are stupid ones. :} I'm sure I'm not the only person who's been there, though I think most people handle it more gracefully than myself. But, as I walk out the door, or my boss walks away from me, or I finish reading the e-mail, or get off the phone . . . whatever the case may be, I'm left thinking, Why didn't this person just talk to me? This could have been worked out. I'm a sap; I want to get along with everyone. You know that cute little girl who even prison inmates want to be friends with in old 50's shows? A little carrier of joy and happiness, the one who the lion won't even eat because she's so precious? I think somewhere deep down, I want that to be me. :}

Unfortunately, it can't be worked out in those situations, and that will never be me because it doesn't matter what I see, but what others do. Some people won't let go until someone falls in the process. It's really tragic, but that's the way these stories go, isn't it? Either the hero has to win or they have to lose, and the villain will either be left still thinking they were treated unfairly or they'll feel luxurious and cocky in their victory. Where is the justice in either of those?

I don't think there is any. For the person who takes joy in taking someone else go down, I'll admit I'm repulsed by that. I've never felt that way. Thought someone probably deserved something, sure, but never felt happy about it. Even when the hero wins, it's bitter-sweet because something is lost at the same time; good heroes know this.

I don't think justice can exist. The very notion of it defies itself, at least in my imagination. Revenge seems very real, but I'm not partial to that, either. :} Justice through punishment is just another way of commiting revenge and making it sound pretty. Depending on your culture and such, maybe that's the right way for you. For me, I still dream of living in a happy neighborhood with a bunch of kind people, friends included, where we stand up for each other and help each other when needed and make each other smile every day. I fantasize about being able to talk to people as frankly as I do my husband and my best friend, without fear. If there's a problem, we can talk it out. I've been called an idealist, told that I'm naive, but what's so bad about that? Maybe my world wouldn't create justice for those who commit crimes and go out of their way to hurt others . . . but it would be happier, just the same. It's what many people hint at wanting. Things wouldn't have to be perfect; life is more interesting with obstacles to overcome, things to challenge us. But being hurt and hurting other people? That I can do without.

So, to the people who are waging war on me (and others like me), who I know don't even know me well enough to know that this blog exists . . . I refuse to play your game with you, as I have always. Sling your mud, hate and talk about me behind my back all you please, and for a change I'll see you for how you really are. But, I still don't want to be anything like you. I'll stand up for myself, but I'm not going to fight back like that. And, I feel sad and sorry for you for not seeing that it's wrong to hurt people, to take away their sunshine; cruel words can be just as bad as physical abuse, and having experienced both for decades at a time, I can honestly say that the words are worse. Life is too short for unhappiness, especially to be the one causing it.

Humility to a Fault

I learned something really huge visiting a foreign country. When you can't always communicate your needs to others, you find yourself very much "on your own," and in that circumstance I think humans grow best. That's why moving out from the family is such a big deal for everyone I grew up with. It's huge! You learn so much! I often ponder why on earth my parents didn't just tell me how hard it is. Did they think I wouldn't get it? I would have gone a lot easier on them! :}

I gained confidence. When you have to do everything for yourself, when you can't get any reflective feedback from anyone, you have to trust yourself. Well, I guess you don't have to, but the other option is too dismal for me to even consider. I learned long ago that if I sit afraid and waited, no one would save me. I'm the kind of princess who rescues herself; too impatient for princes. My prince may be too impatient for that kind of princess, too. ;)

When I came back, I was afraid of losing this great sense of self. I had always been afraid in the past of not being humble. Humility is one of those values that I learned about early in life, and while I had been pretty confident growing up about certain things, I was a pretty weak, scared individual deep inside. It's easy to doubt oneself, isn't it? I kept thinking, "If I'm doing the right things, then why does bad stuff keep happening to me?" Some of it was my fault (not letting go of friends who were horrible to me while ignoring the ones who needed me more; sorry about that! I was young and stupid!), and some of it was beyond my control. My negotiation and conflict course helped me to see that, and it was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I can't blame myself for everything that goes wrong, and I am doing my best. But, I didn't know that for so long.

I was so afraid of being full of pride and becoming arrogant that the need to be humble became a sickening low self-esteem problem. I couldn't let myself feel good because if I did, I was being too arrogant. "No one is that good," I'd tell myself, or I'd explain that the situation made me great, not me myself. There is a fine line between humility and self-depreciation, and I didn't get that. Now I do.

And, thank goodness, too! I'm just getting into my second week of class and I dropped one of them yesterday. The me from a year ago would have been too scared to. I would have told myself that the professor must be right, because he's the professor. I would have taken the fact that he wasn't listening to me (or anyone else in the class) and made it out to be somehow my own fault. Even though there was tons of evidence that, despite great credentials and knowledge, he was a bad teacher, I would have talked myself out of standing up for myself. Finally, I would have told myself that no one would believe it was that bad, that they would tell me I'm being immature and complaining, that this is accepted behavior for a professional.

The me that just got back from Japan has realized her own self-worth. Not only did I stand up for myself in the class and to the Dean, but I posted in the discussion boards and stood up for the rest of the students, too. It was strangely fulfilling, to acknowledge that I'm smart (not a genius, but I know when I've done the work I was told to do and you change the rules halfway through the assignment; you can't make me believe that I'm ignorant after I read and reread the boards three or four times!), that my money toward the class has meaning to me, and that we all deserve better.

I didn't even realize how stressed out with the class I was until today. The immense relief of knowing that I wouldn't have to try and convince some guy out there that I was someone worthy is incredible. I had been so irritable, so unhappy! I feel glad for the students that I helped, and I feel sorry for the students who haven't realized that they deserve better. Sure, the teacher could have been worse, but that doesn't mean that we should deal with a mostly-bad situation anyway. And, the humility is still there. I admit that I don't know why he did what he did, what the circumstances were, and I even feel a little sorry for him. Perhaps he had been given the wrong impression about the course and how it was supposed to go. I really don't know. Feeling that little tinge of guilt/sorrow for him, even knowing that I did the right thing, is what reminds me that I haven't crossed the line into being arrogant. I know that I and my classmates were being hurt (all you had to do was read their many posts), so unfortunately his pride was his undoing.

I have to wonder . . . how many people suffer because of this? How many people have been abused and are afraid to stand up for themselves, not only because they think they may have done something to deserve it (the myth that there is a right answer to everything, so you must have just missed the que or done something wrong), but because they refuse to allow themselves to believe that they are good enough to get out of it? It's frightening! I want to run out into the street and shout, "Stop it! You don't have to put up with bad treatment!" . . . But, even when you try to support some people escaping bad treatment, you can't save them. In the end, we all have to save ourselves at least a little bit; no one else can save a person completely.

It also makes me think about rules in employment that make it difficult to fire someone when they're doing a horrible job and tormenting people while they're at it. Perhaps it isn't as bad as it seems and it's just that I've seen far too many HR departments who are scared of pulling the trigger too soon. Don't get me wrong; everyone deserves a fair chance. It's just . . . well, doesn't it seem like the good guys always give the bad guys way too many second chances to redeem themselves? Despite the prolonged torture and distrust it breeds?

Anyway, the last thing this made me think of is that illusion that I had when I was really young, one that seems common amongst many of my friends. I had this impression that the Adults knew everything. I thought, Someday, I'll be one of them, and I'll know everything, too! And then, as you get older, you start wondering what it will feel like to be "grown up," even though in a rebellious age, you may second-guess everything that they tell you. Those are just the bad Adults, right? ;) And yet, despite going through that, I still felt insecure around the Adults when I started working at every job that I've had. It didn't matter how I dazzled people with my computer know-how or the way I'd create new, innovative ways to solve problems; I felt insecure around them. It was as if I was waiting for someone to announce that I was one of them, an Adult. I think we're all waiting for that at some point in our lives, to be treated like an Adult so that we know that we are one.

I realized two things:

1.) Adults are not as smart as I thought. :} In fact, some of them are more immature than any of the children I grew up with! On a daily basis, I look at some of the people I work with or see in the news and go, "OMG, I don't get it! Why are you behaving that way?!" They're inefficient, lazy, and purposefully go out of their way to not learn anything. That's not to say that I don't know any other smart people, because I know plenty of folks who know things that I just can't get, but no one "Adult" knows it all. They're just like children, only bigger! I'll be learning until the day I die!! :} AHHH!

2.) No one is going to crown you an Adult and give you all the rights and priveledges that they seem to have. You have to take it, and then people think, "Oh, (your name here) is an Adult!" That's truly how it works! Everyone I know, myself included, who has waited for the go-ahead to take the reigns will not have it given to them. The fact that you're hesitating is a sign to the other Adults that you're not ready to be one of them. It's entirely foolish, anyway. All you're taking is confidence in your own knowledge and experiences, faith in yourself. The title of being an Adult only comes with priveledges because some Adults actually think that they are better than children. FOOLS! :} In all of our different stages, we have valuable aspects to ourselves!

So, I've taken my title. I still think of myself as young and enjoy it, but to those who think they can trample all over me, I have my Adult badge on, and it scares more people than you'd think! I guess I'm talking about cheesy, self-empowerment here, but I think it's important that someone says it this way. Someone else may have already said it before and I just didn't get the memo, but this is huge to me. I think this is something my brother tried to teach me a long time ago, but it didn't sink in as well as I'd thought it had: Whatever it is that you're waiting to be, all you have to do is be it. Believe it, and do it.