tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21266823106412014332024-03-05T12:01:17.792-08:00Stardust's OasisThe depths of the stars are the only ones who have seen the past and the future . . . Here, the Dream Senshi and her guardian, Stardust, relax in their oasis . . .Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.comBlogger78125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-70957697647228119602022-11-02T17:50:00.000-07:002022-11-02T17:50:58.793-07:00The Haunting of Should<p> It took a while before I felt like I could write again.</p><p>I'm still wearing all black.</p><p>Tatsu, our other kitty, had kidney failure the week after Stardust's own kidney failure claimed her life. I guess he couldn't be without her.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dwxc7i91feLB1ivr0xhU3Spme6CXc-obDW7rqO47EZpo0WMLKRmq1LVnOTBEUowz2UMx6UwVrYG5d6ev0bV3A' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> I think the hardest thing about their passing was Jesse and I worrying about what we <i>should</i> have done. Did we love them <i>enough?</i> Did we not take good enough care of them? Although we heard from several vets if your cats die from kidney failure, that means that they have lived very long, well-cared-for lives. Eventually, I came to terms with it and accepted that the timing, hard as it was, is very beautiful. I still feel connected to Stardust, and I sense that she's happier and more playful than ever. Her body was struggling for <i>12 years</i>, so it's an incredible release.<br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span> Sometimes, when I feel her with me, I cry because I can't hold her anymore. Other times, I feel joy because nothing can really part us now.</span><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span> Now, I feel like I am on a different learning journey and wanted to share my thoughts with you about "should."</span><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>What I’ve come to realize is that “should” doesn’t make any sense. “Should” is entirely based on having the same experience and background understanding as myself so that whoever comes to the exact, same, “obvious” conclusion. My background as a CSR (customer service representative) tells me that I will always need your ID from your ID card, for example, so it <i>should </i>be <i>obvious </i>that to not cause problems, you <i>should </i>call in with your ID. But, for someone who grew up expecting to get by on just name and DOB or Social Security number, things we usually have memorized, they may feel like it <i>should </i>be <i>obvious </i>that the ID# is unnecessary so long as you can verify yourself. As the CSR, I feel like you <i>should </i>know computer systems aren’t that simple, and using different data isn’t as easy for us and makes the call take longer, which will get us in trouble with our supervisors. The customer feels like the CSR <i>should</i> do whatever makes the customer happy because that’s <i>obviously </i>good customer service. To the CSR, it is <i>obviously </i>discourteous to not be prepared for a call you are making, so <i>obviously </i>you <i>should </i>be a responsible adult and have your ID card handy when you’re making a call out to someone else whose job can be very challenging, especially because it makes it more complicated to abide by HIPAA regulations. See the problem?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Here are two conflicting perspectives at odds with one another. Neither one of them is really wrong, but to the person enduring the experience, it feels as if their need is clearly right. “Should” ignores all nuance in human perspective, experience, and feelings. It is the opposite of unconditional positive regard, something I have been inspired to aspire to by Carl Rogers. It can be insidious too, because we start to anticipate how annoyed we will be based on how we think things <i>should </i>go. Sometimes, we’re even hard on ourselves, saying we <i>should </i>be different based on some criteria we decided to accept from somewhere.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The way things are . . . are how they are. That’s how it is. I remember someone saying that to me as a teenager and getting pissed because the implication I interpreted was that we also <i>shouldn’t </i>do anything to make things any better. See that shouldn’t? It’s just the inverse of a should and it’s the same problem. Accepting that the present is what it is actually is a powerful thing. It releases you from the should! And, by being released, you can think of how you want to solve things from there. Not because you have to because of some “obvious” solution, but because that’s authentically who you are, a growing person who wants to do better. And since no one can control anyone else, you can make a suggestion, and rather than being mad if someone “should” be doing something you recommend, you can just be like, “Okay. That didn't work. I see it. That’s what’s happening right now.” Don’t make it mean that you might be wrong (though of course, we all are going to be wrong sometimes) or that you need to defend yourself into the ground. Don’t even make it mean that the other person is stubborn and will never get it and is consequently “bad.” It only means the exact thing that’s happening right now: the person you are disagreeing with simply doesn’t agree with you right now in the present moment. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>I often have wondered how many times I have planted a seed in someone else and, somewhere down the road . . . maybe they came to the same conclusion on their own and didn’t even remember our argument. Sometimes, I myself have had knee-jerk reactions to statements made by others, and I’d be annoyed, think about it, ask questions, and then eventually come to an entirely new conclusion that was neither my prior stance nor theirs. And it’s not about should, but because I am growing at my own pace, with my own experiences and perspectives, and I am not going to instantly manifest a new persona with adjusted beliefs just because someone tells me to and tries to overwhelm me with their idea of proof. One thing I learned at a very young age is that even if I came back in time and tried to warn myself about the future, I probably would not have believed everything until I had enough experience to authentically understand it. I’m grateful for any seeds that were planted with love and generosity from others as I grew up, because they did turn into fruit. Then again, there were other seeds that have been ripped out and burned forever. XD</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><span> This is all to say . . . do not fall on the sword of "should" or "shouldn't." Love yourself. Love others. We are all growing from such different places and it makes us really weird and different. Release the suffering of "should," then, and just live and know that your best (and my best) are good enough. And your best won't be the same every day, and that's perfectly fine.</span><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><span><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"> I miss Stardust. I hurt a lot because I felt like she <i>should</i> still be here physically . . . but I don't need to hurt. She is where she is, and there are some new fun and <i>weird</i> aspects to that (yep, some bizarre cat hauntings; she has a sense of humor). So now, I will let go of what I thought should be and simply be with love from here.<br /></div><div><br /></div></div><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p>Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-72293526658805604402022-08-31T17:21:00.003-07:002022-08-31T17:30:40.199-07:00Stardust Daffodil<p style="text-align: center;"> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitHlEI4lpcP369Z_Kk7TfIqcfRtysplQP1k76RCpFXrkypVs9Xwt1_EhHdA2ixeEqutCSTCpZAf2vtLGdHMOGnYFAmTGEYJiRY96lMcjBF80-cr_7e482SvdbLsha6je4M2n48wiypV13zQWHTT_V7nSbfS-YjbkIsjmyXggk8bbkWDtshTDlJo_P9Qg/s2272/SM%20RPG%20Cover.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1704" data-original-width="2272" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitHlEI4lpcP369Z_Kk7TfIqcfRtysplQP1k76RCpFXrkypVs9Xwt1_EhHdA2ixeEqutCSTCpZAf2vtLGdHMOGnYFAmTGEYJiRY96lMcjBF80-cr_7e482SvdbLsha6je4M2n48wiypV13zQWHTT_V7nSbfS-YjbkIsjmyXggk8bbkWDtshTDlJo_P9Qg/s320/SM%20RPG%20Cover.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span> Stardust has been my best friend for half of my life . . .</span><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span> You may have noticed that this blog has been called "Stardust's Oasis" since I started it. This is because my cat, Stardust, has been like a soul appendage to me.</span><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span> When I first moved out into a studio apartment, my very first adult, on-my-own living space, I was really lonely. I had moved halfway across the country, leaving family and friends behind, all to be with my long-distance boyfriend (who is now my husband). Unfortunately, he ended up moving halfway across the country himself to go to college, but I wasn't ready to follow him there at the time. I only had a temp job, was severely depressed, and had major anxiety issues (I only realize in retrospect), and it wasn't as easy to keep in touch long-distance back then as it is now. Even with email, many of my friends did not have consistent access and were going through their own problems.</span><br /></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span><span> I decided I wanted a cat. And then I started dreaming of her. Swirling in the stars, the red in her fur shimmering like stardust. I had the dream repeatedly, and each time I went to the humane shelter looking for her, but didn't find her. I'm allergic to many cats, so to make use of the time, I would isolate myself in a single room with one of the cats there, start having a reaction that was destined to last 24 hours and often involved nose-bleeds, and then I'd leave, feeling disheartened.</span><br /></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span> I dreamt of her again. This time, when I woke up, there was no question. I don't know <i>why</i> I didn't question it. I just <i>knew</i> she was there. I was so sure that I immediately called a vet near my apartment and made an appointment for her to come in the following day. I called up my (now) mother-in-law and asked her for a ride because I couldn't even drive myself to the shelter. I had no license and no car. She took me, and there she was.<br /></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span> She wasn't with the other cats; she was in a large cage on the front counter, laying solemnly and looking frustrated and sad to be there. I rushed over, and when our eyes met, the kitty reached out her paws desperately to get me. I knew that she recognized me too, from the dreams. I asked the lady at the counter where she had been.</span><br /></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span> "She fought with the cats, so we had to keep her with the dogs," she explained. She'd been there the entire time, but I would've <i>never</i> known since the dogs were in a back room. How did they expect her to be adopted?! I guess she was saved just for me, as my dad once said.</span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span> As I met her in the private room and had no reaction to her, and she reacted to me in an intelligent way, I knew without a doubt that it was all real and it was meant to be. As I was filling out the paperwork and confirming the vet appointment I had already made, they said that she had a prior owner . . . but that she had been difficult, so they had brought her back. I told her that wouldn't happen with us. </span><br /></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span><span> On the way back to the car with her in the little blue cat carrier I had bought long before, my mother-in-law asked me what I was going to name her, making some cute suggestions. But I already knew: "Her name is Stardust." </span><br /></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span> Annoyingly, Neil Gaiman's <i>Stardust</i> was popular at the time, so everyone assumed I named her after his novel. Though I like Neil Gaiman, it had nothing to do with that but everything to do with the fiery stardust in the dream, which I felt represented her spiritual and true nature. Spoilers: I was right. 😅<br /></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> The first year with Stardust was the hardest. Though she was good at the vet for the first few trips, after she got an ear infection from dead mites in her ears (acquired prior to my taking her in and treated at the shelter as best as they were able) and after the vet had to do a deep dive to get them all out, she became an enemy of all vets. She used to steal my knives and hide them under her scratching post. She used to attack me in my sleep; you might be imagining a cat jumping on my face, even scratches, but it was more than that. Sometimes, she would go under the bed and start tearing <i>through</i> the mattress. She would sneak up on me in the dark and yowl and leap at me. I eventually had to put her into a carrier, wrapped up in towels, and placed in the bathtub so that I could sleep at night because it was the only way to keep her from hurting herself <i>and</i> me. Not only this, but she would attack anyone who entered the apartment, including myself. This latter bit was made okay by the fact that, for <i>some</i> bizarre reason, if you set her down in front of her cat carrier, she felt <i>compelled</i> to walk in. You had to close it quickly because this unstoppable compulsion really pissed her off, but it was handy to get inside until she calmed down.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span> One day, after getting a permanent job to support my haughty kitty princess, Jesse (my boyfriend-now-husband) was visiting and was going to go to my apartment to meet me later. He called me at work and said, "I can't get into your apartment."</span><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span> "Why not?"</span><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span> " . . . She'll <i>kill</i> me." Keep in mind, my husband is a pretty big, strong guy. Like, it's a good thing he's a decent human being because his fist is the size of a small head. <br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> I chided him, because if I could handle her, surely <i>he</i> could. He eventually got in. They also became good friends. While I was trying to teach her to be <i>less</i> violent, he liked to play ferociously with her. I wish I still had the picture as proof, but it seems to have been lost after multiple computer transfers, but one time she was biting him too hard, and then he spontaneously bit her back, and I was taking a picture and accidentally captured that moment. Her facial expression was that of, "Is <i>this</i> what it's like to be bit?" She tamed down somewhat after that incident. The below picture is from the same day, just sampling Jesse's flesh.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihcJQ2LCBSUJUidlFe2sfO_OGdiIdOfNgfQjEDKBYuEV0PzLBDCYu9Kgeff-hCCk860S4ajepxdFqlSvFe748fO52rgWNpVyohM7I7kZT-ZgXHYnb6cbVxyFPNhZsRxQks2dGuo8kKEQx29Cy-7kwf04wvqEp-hYfxd1Faqm-ojP-Akj6ncqrdXePgfQ/s576/IM000863.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="576" data-original-width="432" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihcJQ2LCBSUJUidlFe2sfO_OGdiIdOfNgfQjEDKBYuEV0PzLBDCYu9Kgeff-hCCk860S4ajepxdFqlSvFe748fO52rgWNpVyohM7I7kZT-ZgXHYnb6cbVxyFPNhZsRxQks2dGuo8kKEQx29Cy-7kwf04wvqEp-hYfxd1Faqm-ojP-Akj6ncqrdXePgfQ/s320/IM000863.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span> After a series of events, it was time to move. As I packed up boxes, Stardust's anxiety grew. We no longer needed her to be sanctioned off to the bathroom; she slept beside me on the bed and even used the pillow like a tiny person. We had rituals, and I had tamed the wild beast, though most people who met her still found her somehow frightening. I had learned from interacting with her that it's very likely that her previous owners abused her before dumping her off, and we worked through those issues with love and patience. But she was still holding back; she didn't want to be abandoned again. Despite all the good memories we were making, I could tell she had emotional walls up against me.</span><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span> When moving day came, I got her sedated (that is a whole other story unto itself with an amusing twist at the end) and we boarded the plane together. When we arrived in my new one-bedroom apartment and I let her out to explore, quickly setting up her litter box and making sure she was comfortable before doing anything else, I saw her look at me with such appreciation and love in her eyes. I knew, in that moment, that she understood the promise I had made at the beginning of our meeting was true: I would never abandon her, and I would do everything I could for her.</span><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span> Stardust continued to be a troublemaker, but no longer violent. She stopped trying to bite eyeballs and instead would get on top of doors and jump down on the unexpecting. If we had a disagreement, she would open the freezer just a little bit so that I wouldn't realize until later that everything had melted. This cat learned to scale <i>walls with nothing on them</i>, and I had to put Soft Paws on her just to keep her from wrecking our deposit. But she also gave the best cuddles, understood me (I also was abused and felt abandoned by my bio-mom, who often emphasized how unwanted I was), and was always there. I was happy to think of life ahead with her of at least 12 years.<br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> When Stardust was 8, plans changed. One night, she wouldn't stop throwing up. Science Diet had a recall, but I didn't find out until too late. Our food wasn't part of the list, but there was clearly something wrong. We went from vet to vet. I ended up spending my entire savings of $10,000 before we got to a vet hospital that confirmed she had IBS. With the diagnosis came the hope of a way to save her life, even if for just another year with her. I had been at a really bad class (bad because it was just an 8-hour advertisement for <i>more</i> classes) my workplace at the time made me go to, and the hospital said they wanted to keep her overnight to observe her. I didn't want her to stay; I wanted her to come home. My wish had been granted when they called sternly during a break from the class and said, "Come. Get. Your. Cat." 😬I ditched the class to go get her with Jesse's assistance. When I saw her in the waiting room, banging around in the familiar blue cat carrier as the nurse struggled to carry her to me, I exclaimed, "MY BABY!"<br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> The nurse, flustered by Stardust's antics even while sick, couldn't stop herself from looking at me and going, "<i>No</i>." Like, she couldn't believe anyone would feel that way about Stardust. But, her expression changed when I took the carrier in my hands and Stardust's rattling stopped; all she wanted was to be reunited with me.<br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span> Around this time, I started blogging less. I was scared of Stardust dying. This blog is her and my sacred space, in a way. I started it to reach out to my friends and family, and I was surprised other people started reading it and also became my friends. Thank you, guys!! And . . . hi, Germany? I thought to myself, "When she gets better, I'll write more . . ." But, IBS is a chronic condition. It doesn't just go away.</span><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> Many years of research and fearful moments followed. Every year or two, she'd have a bad time. It wasn't until a few more moves, into our permanent home, that we found a vet who <i>also</i> has a cat with IBS and really understood. <a href="https://catinfo.org/making-cat-food/" target="_blank">I also found a vet online who made her own cat food and had cats living into their twenties. She explained why it works and why regular cat food doesn't</a>. None of the food on the market is right for cats despite the emerging organic and frozen options. Knowing this, I will never <i>not</i> make cat food. This recipe not only stopped Stardust from literally puking up blood (along with medication) and gave her back her life from the brink of death, but it stopped Tatsu Maru's (our other cat) UTIs, and another friend to whom we recommended the recipe to had a cat whose <i>diabetes was cured!</i> Most vets do not know anything about cat nutrition, so finding Lisa Pierson is nothing short of a miracle. You have no idea how desperate we were. It must have been frightening to employees at the <i>Bed, Bath, & Beyond</i> who may have been wondering why this anxious and near-to-tears couple was buying a meat grinder and looking so distressed about it (not plotting how to get away with murder, I swear!).<br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span> After discovering that recipe, it was like a miracle. A miracle that required several hours every few weeks to keep up with the appetite of our cats. It's hard work, but it was worth it. Stardust made it past 12 years of age . . . then past 15 . . . </span><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span> I had our daughter, Sabriel, in 2017. At first, Stardust was jealous . . . she even tried to walk on Sabriel's face as a baby when she was napping. Eventually, Stardust took interest in the fact that Sabriel was home when the rest of us were working. She felt grateful for the company and would insert herself into Sabriel's Duplo creations, or appear when Sabriel was playing with toys on the mat. Most recently, she started napping with Sabriel, curled up beside her. They adore each other now.</span><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dyZNWilwtaE2zk3AegukhzgyGiBEQu8qS-jabJ2Y-eKa6l-A7DhaM5XuQ5ndPJNWwt2cy2TCfjFIImrfRce7A' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><br /><span><br /></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span> But, in the past four years, she's also declined. She can no longer climb the tall cat towers we've gotten her. Due to arthritis and deteriorating kidney condition, she has struggled to use her back legs at times. Stardust mostly rests now and wants cuddles and love; no longer does she prank or cause mischief. Instead of struggling with her behavior, it's a struggle to take care of her while she sometimes deals with incontinence but other times is just fine. In fact, she has come back from the dead so many times that is hard to believe that she won't live forever. Every time I have been certain she was dying, she would suddenly pull some necromantic miracle and be just fine. She has lived far more than 9 lives while Tatsu has looked on with love unrequited. Despite her being a tricky and clever cat who enjoyed games of "fat human needs to run" where she would pretend to do something utterly insane just so you had to chase her, she's been an endearing, wonderful best friend all this time and every morning when I see her beautiful eyes, I couldn't be more grateful.</span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span><span> . . .</span><br /></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span><span><span> In the past few weeks, she stopped eating so much. She is already under 8 pounds. Sadly, Stardust goes through bouts of stomach issues on a regular basis. The vet has explained that due to her IBS, her intestines sometimes lengthen and stretch, but they don't go back. This means that occasionally an obstruction that is usually easy to pass, like a hairball, can cause a more severe blockage over time before it comes out, one way or the other. The more times it happens, the more the intestines stretch, which will inevitably kill her. Of course, her medicine for the IBS also negatively impacts her kidneys but is necessary for life. She's already way outlived the year they thought she had since she started the medication, but during the past two vet visits, they confirmed her kidneys are in decline.</span><br /></span></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span><span><span><span> Still, we had hope. Stardust is a fighter. The fiery stardust of her nature has been as determined to stay with me as I am to remain with her. So it was shocking when she passed the difficult bowel movement and she didn't start recovering right away like normal. </span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span><span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span><span> We waited. We cleaned her. We carried her to the litter box and back to her resting place. I kept bringing her food, only this time she not only wouldn't eat it but also wouldn't acknowledge it. I had to start giving her water through a dropper. While caring for her, I realized I was waiting for it to "feel right" to know she was going to pass away. It was never going to feel right. I love her too much. We love <i>each other</i> too much. Being sad is the right way to feel about all of this. How naive was I, to think that it would ever feel good? If it did, what kind of relationship would we have had?! Sure, there can be relief that she's not sick anymore and I won't have to scour the floor on a regular basis for signs of illness (and to prevent our Roomba, Fraulein Sauber, from destroying herself on whatever symptom of sickness I find), but having to do that hard work has been worth it because I love her and I would rather see her every single day with those beautiful eyes looking at me with the same gratitude that I feel than live without it.<br /></span></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span><span><span> After three days of not eating at all, no signs of recovery . . . I woke up this morning with the understanding that if you don't eat, you eventually die. And Stardust is not going to get better. One of the key signs is that Tatsu has stopped eating too. He knew something was different this time. Let me tell you, most of this cat's life is begging for more food and sometimes overeating until he throws up, so the fact that he has been so worried about Stardust that he would stop eating was harrowing. He's finally lost all the weight the vets have been asking for, but not under the conditions we would have liked. He has watched over her each night while we rest, giving comfort during these hard times.</span><br /></span></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidCyTAyeHfUZZw-Q62cp9_I5v-eaNpYhLEYz56oSLsh06pemrxjkvveCNG-Jp5d_yKb5K_m0ryUcTPe_1YzlxKsUGcCZzxZ_VG9KT9VT417cpfkqpzfPLgsXZs0lEeYoCxKsGR-bjrLWqEn73-Z0rBg9ufpCI1HB60B-tP9Ck9lA4oQUqKQrCmTuNVcQ/s4032/PXL_20220828_051301191.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2268" data-original-width="4032" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidCyTAyeHfUZZw-Q62cp9_I5v-eaNpYhLEYz56oSLsh06pemrxjkvveCNG-Jp5d_yKb5K_m0ryUcTPe_1YzlxKsUGcCZzxZ_VG9KT9VT417cpfkqpzfPLgsXZs0lEeYoCxKsGR-bjrLWqEn73-Z0rBg9ufpCI1HB60B-tP9Ck9lA4oQUqKQrCmTuNVcQ/s320/PXL_20220828_051301191.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> I called out of work today (8/31/22) because Stardust had pain, and I knew I had to make a choice. And then Jesse started sobbing when he got home and I talked to him because he had been in denial of Stardust getting worse. And, to be fair, we have thought she was going to die on and off since she was <i>8</i>. We have literally spent 12 years being told repeatedly that she hasn't got much longer, watching her go through tough times and then spring back, though somewhat weaker each time, but still ready to love and keep on trucking. How could we be sure this was it? I was filled with further doubt as she brightened in his cuddles. <br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span> Stardust is my best friend. My soul appendage. I can't imagine life without her. And that's a huge reason I stopped writing, amongst dealing with so much change and upheaval in my life. I have wanted to write more and reach out . . . but I was scared to. The blog has been connected to her. I know that's weird and makes no logical sense, but . . . it's been hard.</span><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> We deliberated for <i>hours</i>. I was anxious, because what if we're running out of time? I didn't want her to die suffering, or from starvation. She's being strong for us. She seems fine, but she clearly isn't. We've already defeated the odds . . . but what if we could go just a bit more?<br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span> We gave her another bath. We got her into her heated bed and watched her curl up, looking miserable. Thank goodness Sabriel is being so patient with us; she's only 4, and she thinks we should all try to play video games and just pass the time, reassuring us it will be okay because Stardust will still love us and be a spirit when she dies. Jesse and I have to make scary, horrifying adult choices that we can't come back from. It took forever just to call the vet to get phone numbers for hospice. There's no way Stardust wants to die at the vet; it would have to be here, at home. But, what if she can get better again? AHHHHHHH!!! </span><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> And you know what? We did the hard thing, booked the appointment for tomorrow (9/1/22) . . . It was the hardest thing we ever did. And then a few hours later . . . Stardust is up and walking around. Now we're watching anxiously. If she eats, we'll cancel the appointment. If she eats, then we know she wants to live and keep trying. If she doesn't . . . And I'm honestly torn on what to hope for. Do I <i>really</i> want her to keep suffering just for a little more time? Isn't that what life <i>is?</i> <br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span> I'm writing this in advance and I hope it's not too sloppy. I'm not sure what's going to happen. It seems silly now that I haven't blogged in all this time because it felt wrong to while she was sick. I have so much I want to say. I've also been busy, working full time and going back to school full time. And having a 4-year-old. And having two geriatric cats for whom we have to make special food and for one of them, there are medications and special treatments to the point that I can never go anywhere because I'm confident no one but me will follow the instructions correctly to ensure her comfortable survival. I'm a little worried my in-laws think I don't like them because I can never go visit because of my work, but it's mostly Stardust. I can't even kennel her because when I do, she won't eat. She thinks I won't come back.</span><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span> One time, I dared to go on a week-long vacation and left Stardust in the care of our sister-in-law. Halfway through the trip, I had a dream conversation with Stardust; we connected just like we did before we met in person back in the beginning. She didn't speak in words, but I understood she was scared I wasn't coming back because it had been a few days. I reassured her. I woke up knowing how concerned she was, and I felt guilty. Yet, it was so magical that we're that connected, that we could talk in our dreams. Part of me hopes that we could still have that sometimes after she's gone . . .</span><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span> Is that going to be tomorrow?</span><br /></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> Even though we booked the appointment, I'll cancel it in a heartbeat and pay whatever fees there are if Stardust shows any sign that she wants to continue on this journey with me. I don't think either of us will ever be ready for this to be over. Even <i>Jesse</i> isn't ready. She's been with me <i>literally</i> half of my life. I don't know who I am without her. I <i>do</i> know that just recently, I finally found my self-confidence somewhat. I feel secure in knowing who I am and what I truly want for the first time in my life ever. I finally know how to set healthy boundaries, and I have really good friends who I know <i>want</i> to be in my life, not out of obligation or for what I can offer them, but because we truly care for one another. This kitty best friend, my little sister . . . I think she knows now that I'll be okay. That I'm not so lonely and broken anymore, and neither is she. We know we're loved now. Nothing will replace her, though . . . <br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> There will be more to come, but for now, I need to spend these probable last moments with her. I was going to delay posting this for now, in case there's a surprise ending, but . . .I don't think I'll have the heart to post this later if I <i>don't</i> do it now. We're planning to say goodbye. She sniffed food but didn't eat. She's trembling in Jesse's arms right now. For now, I am focused on keeping the promises I made to Stardust . . . It's so much harder than I would have thought, or at least scarier. I can't imagine who I am without her here and I can't stop crying. I will follow up after some time has passed, work and school allowing. I don't know if anyone is still subscribed to this blog or not, but if you are, thanks for being here. Thank you for supporting us.<br /></div><br /></div><br /><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgzDJUNvUKxAFpN5gmMjb6fFGdXKoboufNorJiiavbZCZsK05Ywnp07OSF4TfaD9x96FDpfo7rIKFMLBeY_lvPmZISTHGKyq12XpO1856pBIJcgociOkeOUU7i3Ucj5oeBbjDba7IRTVbQ5Q3Frr45m8pkCeirZ6N6pOLBTrSGpVV8zO2xexXcTIEnuA/s4032/PXL_20211201_070907065.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="2268" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgzDJUNvUKxAFpN5gmMjb6fFGdXKoboufNorJiiavbZCZsK05Ywnp07OSF4TfaD9x96FDpfo7rIKFMLBeY_lvPmZISTHGKyq12XpO1856pBIJcgociOkeOUU7i3Ucj5oeBbjDba7IRTVbQ5Q3Frr45m8pkCeirZ6N6pOLBTrSGpVV8zO2xexXcTIEnuA/s320/PXL_20211201_070907065.jpg" width="180" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">P. S. - I apologize for having to moderate comments. In the past years, there was spam popping up. I started having to spend more time getting rid of it than doing homework, so I just made it so all comments have to be screened, which made the spammers stop. Don't let it stop you, real people, though. I might be slow to write these days, but I need to connect to the world once again as I know what I have to say. Blogging might be antiquated in the world of videos (and I'd love to make videos, but editing isn't something I have time for right now), but I just need to make art and communicate with others the way that's right for me in the moment and stop trying to be perfect.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Thank you again for being here.</div><br />Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-24392011277079149092017-10-13T22:47:00.001-07:002017-10-15T20:09:10.694-07:00Communication About Pregnancy and Parenting<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Hey! Long time no write!<br />
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To be honest, I feel a little bit that blogs have fallen out of favor, at least for me. I used to write to keep in touch with friends and family, and now there's seemingly too much social media available for that and I gave up on blogging a bit because I felt like people probably didn't have time for that.<br />
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Today, however, I had a topic I wanted to talk about that is too long for Twitter or Facebook, so . . . I'm BACK! And <a href="https://youtu.be/EShUeudtaFg" target="_blank">PREGNANT</a>. For the first time. At age 36. Yep. Even before we were really trying to get pregnant, we got all kinds of "advice" and "requests," which are already pretty weird. Now at almost 34 weeks pregnant and still fascinated with the psychology of things (for those unfamiliar, I had a 3.97 GPA in my BA in Psychology; I freaking love psychology and ongoing research), I wanted to write about my insights. I think lots of people really don't think about these things and there's a bizarre culture surrounding how we talk about parenting and pregnancy. Here we go!<br />
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Bias warning: This is only my introspection and you're welcome to disagree; my hope is by discussing this, it will help everyone's overall communications on these topics.Most importantly, I hope that we can learn to be okay making our own choices for ourselves and knowing that mistakes are going to happen and that's alright too.<br />
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<i><u>Pregnancy and Parenting Advice</u></i><br />
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Pregnancy and parenting advice is a little bit strange for several reasons. Like many types of advice, it is often unsolicited. However, most advice is given knowing the audience. For example, my husband and I are very comfortable with one another since we've been talking to each other for 21 years and love and respect each other. If we notice something, we speak up to the other without waiting to be prompted. It goes well probably 88% of the time, and the rest of the time could be attributed to having a bad day or some deeper issue. It's the same with friends! I have friends I can say anything to and feel pretty safe and some friends where I know to keep my trap shut. We know our audiences; we learn what causes drama and what doesn't. What makes parenting and pregnancy advice weird is that people give it <i>without</i> knowing their audience. At ALL.<br />
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I should start by saying that both my husband and I are very proactive learners. If we want to know something, we take classes and read books (yes, multiple), and we even go so far as to track down the research and check out its methodology and look for multiple supporting or non-supporting sources as the case may be. We're thorough.<br />
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At first, when I received unsolicited advice, I was like, "Oh! Maybe I'll learn something new!" But, I find that most of the time, unsolicited advice is for the benefit of the giver, not the receiver, and is <i>often</i> actually more of a judgment and demand rather than actual advice. :} It's truly bizarre. I don't think people even realize that they're doing it.<br />
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Examples of unsolicited advice/requests I've received that falls into these categories:<br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>"Children shouldn't play video games." (I grew up on educational video games and am grateful for all my father taught me about computers because it's definitely made me a more capable person and an extremely valuable employee. Also, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00YOJIDSO/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=B00YOJIDSO&linkCode=as2&tag=dreamsenshi-20&linkId=e4482c96a776b5aaf6edb9a216696bdc" target="_blank">video games are a wonderful storytelling medium</a>. I even wrote a huge report on several studies on video games and their impact on children while getting my BA, and the research all pointed to children developing more skills they can't or don't get elsewhere, including genuine teamwork skills far better than those developed in forced groups in school.)</li>
<li>A 3-page critique of our baby registry from someone I've only spoken to in person twice. (My husband, Jesse, and I noticed that after the critique was received that said person didn't even buy anything from the registry. I spent over a month creating that registry based on heavy research, really painful digging through reviews and options, and deep introspection about what would make our lives easier since we'll both be working and can't afford daycare and will be essentially handing off our baby to each other throughout the day. I even carefully evaluated what kinds of things we could "wing it" with and dug through our house to find out if we had alternatives or variations that would work. Even tried to keep prices low because I hoped that if other people wanted to help us out, it wouldn't be an insane request for help. The person who wrote this critique had <i>no idea</i> how much work went into it and never asked.)</li>
<li>Asking for our child to be named after someone we didn't know for most of our lives.</li>
<li>Telling me what vitamins and supplements to take through my husband.</li>
<li>EDIT (added this one as an after-thought because it's <i>ridiculously</i> common): The "I-bet-you-forgot-you-are-having-a-baby-and-it's-going-to-be-challenging" type of advice. Usually, this emerges when you're <i>not</i> talking about the baby but about yourself. In my case, it's been "Man, I'm looking forward to being able to walk around normally with my body after I'm done being pregnant," or "I'm looking forward to no longer having nausea," and just talking about concerns within your own body. People have this bizarre tendency to, instead of showing sympathy or empathy or just listening to you vent or sharing in your hope to return to having control over your own body, say things they clearly think are clever such as "Except you'll be walking around with a baby." :> Or, "Except then you'll have a puking baby." It always comes in as a smart comment like they think you've forgotten that will happen or never stopped to think about it. We didn't forget; we're not <i>talking about that right now</i>. And I think about it <i>all the time</i>. Of course, paired with these comments almost always comes some form of advice. Even if it's good advice, I have to say that (and this is just for me) if I'm <i>not</i> talking about the baby that's already consuming so much about my life already, I'm not really interested in talking about baby stuff right now. I wanted to talk about <i>me</i>. :} Talking about pregnancy symptoms isn't an opening for advice or talk about the baby. Even further removed is talking about things not related to the pregnancy at all and people still managing to use it as an opportunity to give advice. </li>
</ul>
Obviously, these are pretty intrusive examples and certainly aren't all of the ones we received. The advice I want to give for better interpersonal communication is this:<br />
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1.) Know your audience and know yourself. Do they actually <i>need</i> your advice? Is your advice just an opinion you want to thrust onto others? Will it be welcome? And, are you doing this for yourself or really for the other person? Be honest in this assessment. It's okay if you just want to chat about things, but take a step back and realize if you're creating a situation in which someone's options include agreeing with you or feeling uncomfortable because they disagree. Know if you're looking to feel needed versus if the other person really <i>needs</i> <i>you</i>.<br />
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2.) Depending on the relationship, it's probably better to wait to be asked for advice. And, if you <i>are</i> asked, <i>only</i> answer the question asked. Someone coming to you for advice should be honored by respecting that they only asked you about one thing. This is not the same as permission to open the floodgates and give them <i>all of the advice</i> that you've been holding back on giving. :} You may be eager to help, but refer back to #1.<br />
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3.) As written about so eloquently by <a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1455581097/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1455581097&linkCode=as2&tag=dreamsenshi-20&linkId=3ee54ce28868d3870420a1a29e920edf" target="_blank">Amanda Palmer in her book</a>, be aware of the difference between an ask and a demand. If you're asking, that means "no" is an acceptable answer. I know some people think of a "no" as being rude, but it's actually a person's autonomous right. In my case, when I've been asked and said no it's because I didn't want to argue and I knew I didn't need the advice because I'd already done the research and hard work and made up my mind for myself. That's a healthy way to be, so I hope that instead of perceiving it as something rude that perhaps you can see it as healthy and have trust in whomever you wanted to give advice to. Of course, it's our responsibility on the receiving end to <i>try</i> and be nice about it. :}<br />
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4.) Check your information <i>first</i>. Just because you think something is true doesn't mean that it is, and blurting out something that isn't accurate creates more drama than it solves. Before you have a knee-jerk reaction to someone saying something about parenting/pregnancy and feel the need to "correct" them, or before you offer requested advice, <i>think about the sources of where you've obtained your information</i>. Is it up to date? Was it really true? What proof do you have? Have you <i>really</i> done the research? If it's only your experience, know that you're working with bias (and your needs may not be the same as the needs of the person you're giving advice to). And, if thinking about all of these things seems like too much for you, maybe it's better to refrain from giving advice? Maybe.<br />
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5.) This one applies to all communication styles, but I've gotten a <i>lot more </i>of it while pregnant and it's also a pet peeve of mine. Don't <i>argue</i> and then after you've spoken your mind claim that you <i>don't want to argue</i> to end the conversation, or even worse <i>storm out</i> on the person you're speaking to. Yikes. If you feel like you <i>have</i> to say something to someone, and you want to be truly heard, then the right thing to do is <u>be willing to find out that you're wrong</u> and <u>be willing to listen to the other point of view </u>of the person you're talking to. If you're not doing that, see #1 and #3. No one wants to listen to someone who isn't willing to listen to them, and behaving in this way is one of the most aggressive forms of ignorance I can think of. I have to say, when people use this "communication" tactic it appears that they are afraid of being proven wrong and are bailing to avoid that happening. It makes you look bad as well as making the person you were talking to feel bad. Strive for healthier communication! You can do it! I believe in you. :)<br />
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People aren't all bad, though! Which is a segue into my next thought about parenting communication.<br />
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<u><i>Information is Quickly Outdated or Irrelevant</i></u><br />
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Even with the best of intentions with advice, parenting/pregnancy thoughts/ideas will quickly become outdated. This was a very recent revelation to me. Having been pregnant or actively being a parent does not give anyone the kind of credit that 10 years of software development gives a programmer. You don't graduate to have more experience. In fact, no one knows everything about pregnancy and parenting; let's establish that first. My being pregnant doesn't make me an expert on other people's pregnancy experiences, and someone else having been pregnant before doesn't make them an expert on mine. Not being pregnant or a parent also doesn't necessarily give you an "objective point of view." XD Knowing someone who is currently pregnant and getting advice from them hardly makes an expert either.<br />
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What am I saying here? No one is qualified to be giving advice on every topic. Even my doula uses an outdated book, though she is a great resource for most things and is currently going to school to relearn! (In fact, we're lucky because she's doing this for free as part of her education credits.) My midwife knows what she needs to know to be a great midwife, and the sonographer knows what they need to do for the ultrasounds, and the trainers for our classes knew what they wanted to talk about in class but didn't have outside information about other research (for example, our breastfeeding instructor had no information about <a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1561487503/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=dreamsenshi-20&camp=1789&creative=9325&linkCode=as2&creativeASIN=1561487503&linkId=7f034601f1eb679c648d4fd39cc54af1" target="_blank">babies crying because of REM cycles and the apparent need for mothers to be cautious about overfeeding</a>). I think we should all be reasonably able to accept that no one knows everything, and that's okay! And, information you once thought was true and useful may become outdated within a decade or less. Even information that is still true needs to be treated with caution.<br />
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A great example is that two of my friends recommended that I get lanolin cream for my hospital bag because I intend to breastfeed. I didn't know anything about lanolin, but I figured if two of my friends were recommending it then it merited researching and potentially adding to my list. There are still <a href="http://www.llli.org/docs/467.pdf" target="_blank">semi-recent studies</a> that show lanolin is very helpful. However, the additional information I discovered through my own research was that lanolin can sometimes include pesticides. Even when it doesn't, it comes from sheep, and in my personal experience sheep can actually be pretty disgusting animals and though I'm sure it goes through some cleansing process it still sounded gross to me. With this lead-in from my friends, I could find more recent research that shows that <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16127520" target="_blank">breast milk itself</a> and <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4699508/" target="_blank">other alternatives</a> are just as effective or more so than lanolin. This is great news, as it reduces potential risks to the baby. Obviously, lanolin worked just fine for my friends and their children are okay; nothing about this new information disputes their experience or invalidates their feelings about it. It's just that there's now new information that's available for <i>me </i>so that I can make my own informed choice. I'm going to avoid lanolin and try one of the alternatives.<br />
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Also, the experiences people have are not universal. Those who tell me it's important to have children be outside alone even as toddlers, for their development, don't seem to recognize that it's not an option where I live. All of the people who recommend this raised their children in places that had secured yards or farms, and they knew all of their neighbors. I don't have a secured yard, I live directly on a street where I've witnessed a few collisions from my window (and people speed all of the time even if they don't crash), and in this day and age I'd almost definitely get contacted by CPS. I'm not saying I want to coddle my child or be a "helicopter parent." (What a horrible, judgmental term, btw.) I'm just saying I have to do what's right for me and my situation. Of course, someone out there who might read this may be screaming internally that children must be watched at all times. Notice that these points of view are both <i>opinions</i> and not <i>facts</i>, which makes them even less relevant. Though I don't have any research within my grasp at the moment, I'm fairly sure it's safe to assess that these two different sets of children, raised differently, could still grow up to have just as happy and fulfilled lives as the other, just as children who are breastfed versus formula fed will all be okay. Love is probably the most important thing, I think. And even that is only an opinion! If you live in a war zone, that's obviously not going to be true for you!<br />
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I prefer to be optimistic and believe most people's intentions are good. :) Especially those with prior experiences of things they feel went well with their own children hope to pass that on to loved ones. And, they likewise hope to avoid things they felt were negative experiences. Once again, I think communication can be improved by not taking it personally if someone has a different perspective than you. In my case, I choose to honor many things that I perceived to be good experiences between my father and myself, or my in-laws and myself and their kids. At the same time, I also want to branch out and try new things with my husband, create our own traditions, and find out what works best for us and our child. After all, just because it works well for other people doesn't mean that it works well for <i>everyone</i>.<br />
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<u><i>Not a Dichotomy, and Not Mutually Exclusive</i></u><br />
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Some people I know have a tendency to get butt-hurt over silly parenting/pregnancy things. In some cases it's data that's changed that they refuse to accept for reasons unknown to me, and in other cases it seems to be that they become defensive. In any case, the type of arguments about parenting/pregnancy that I'm talking about emerges usually because some expert source has supplied information to the masses and, based on personal experience (which can be very valid!) someone develops the notion that the two ideas are mutually exclusive or are a dichotomy. These are logic fallacies, and I encourage folks to take a step back and think about why they are getting so upset over these things . . . because most of it is really trivial.<br />
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One example: one of my friends rolled her eyes at me because I mentioned concern about blankets in a crib with a baby and SIDS. This is something that, if you're seeing a doctor/midwife about your pregnancy, using a pregnancy app, or reading any pregnancy books, you're going to get slammed with information about. In her experience, her baby was cold and wouldn't stop crying until he had a blanket. She felt, seemingly very strongly, that this meant that the SIDS concern about blankets was stupid. But, the two things aren't mutually exclusive! You can be aware that blankets can be a suffocation hazard <i>and</i> be aware that you need to keep your baby warm. My immediate thought was that with SIDS, they're concerned about loose blankets. Swaddling, therefore, would be safer if your baby needs to feel warm and safe. So, maybe that will work well for me since my baby is going to be born in winter. Her judgmental reaction was so off-putting, though, I just didn't say anything. :} I know that while she had a strong reaction, it doesn't mean she's going to be losing sleep judging me over that. That's not true of everyone, though, and this still creates a very negative communication experience.<br />
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As for dichotomies, some people treat information like light switches with two possible outcomes. With babies, parenting, and pregnancy, they seem to believe things are very simple. Either the research is right, or it's wrong. No room for middle-ground. No room for exceptions or confounding variables. What a scary way to live! I think it goes without saying that things are not true in every instance. There's usually exceptions to the rule, sometimes many exceptions to the rule. That doesn't make it invalid or not worth thinking about. It's a bad habit many people have about many things. It's infested our view of politics, bigotry/racism, and so many other hot issues in addition to all of the little ones. It's contagious because our brains like to have things simplified, but it doesn't make it <i>right</i>. In fact, it makes it harder to hear each other and understand what other people are saying if we try to think of everything in dichotomies. The nature versus nurture debate is the most obvious example! Why are there only two options given? Why are they considered opposites from each other? It's a non-argument; you can't have one without the other, and it implies that only two options for perceiving parenting. If you're thinking in dichotomies, I encourage you to question that line of thinking because the dichotomy you're visualizing is probably a fabricated construct.<br />
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<i><u>Gender Language</u></i><br />
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Last, but <i><u>definitely</u></i> not least! Although you might think this is about over-gendering babies, I actually think people worry too much about that (I never wanted to look like Barbie, but I loved Barbie dolls; I loved looking in magazines but never felt the need to look like or be like the girls in magazines; there are plenty of strong women in video games and have been for a long time. If you didn't find them, you're not trying.). I'm actually talking about how <i>fathers</i> are treated.<br />
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My husband was very lucky, along with his brothers, to have his father as a stay-at-home parent. His mother was the breadwinner in his family, and it sounded challenging as there were few fathers during that time period doing what he was doing. Today, I would argue that more fathers are involved in some way or another with parenting. More fathers have access to information they didn't have access to before. Yet, in literature (even literature received from our birthing classes and community programs), they write about fathers in a demeaning way. The writing implies that men are inherently stupid about parenting and need help every step of the way to bond with their child. Obviously, it's challenging. A mother can breastfeed and a father can't, for example. But it's upsetting that fathers are treated as outside people instead of equal partners in parenting.<br />
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Each parenting relationship with children is going to be unique and different. My thought here is that we just need to change the narrative to be less presumptive. The narrative where mothers inherently love their children and are giving and fathers have to be taught how to be emotionally available and not kill their children because of goofing off and being irresponsible and silly. This narrative is dangerous. My biological mother never loved me; she was abusive and horrible. I went to various resources for help (a school counselor, the police, and a community program receptionist for abused children), and because she was a <i>mother</i>, all of them laughed in my face or couldn't believe she would do the awful things that she did. Ironically, my mother-in-law who is very sweet was accused of abuse because she rushed her boys to the hospital when they were hurt. :p Argh. Anyway, if anything was perceived to be wrong with me, it was assumed it was my father's fault, but he was <i>the good parent</i>. Even after long days of working hard, he'd stay up to make extra time for me. He was the one who read with me. He was the one who <i>wrote educational programs</i> to help me with areas I was struggling with in school. He was the one who made sure I had things that I needed and noticed my love of music and <i>encouraged me to pursue it by buying me instruments</i> and showing me midis. I spent a ridiculous amount of time correcting people about their assumptions in regard to my family.<br />
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Of course, gender can't be treated by individual experiences either. On this topic, I feel an increasing importance in making no assumptions about either gender and keeping that in mind with literature for forthcoming parents.<br />
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I'd also like to see more inclusive options available for fathers. There are many online baby groups and apps, but the weirdest thing about them to me is that there's no option to sign up as a couple. I can do that for my shopping list app; why can't I do that with the father of my child? Why can't we <i>both</i> receive information about our growing baby on a regular basis? Why are men not allowed onto the forum with women so that they can understand concerns about pregnancy and how to support their partners better? Or, maybe your partner isn't a man. At any rate, the partner should be included in some way and have the same access and ability to share accounts and experiences and polling, and right now it's geared toward the mothers only. Yet, there is a lot of literature that talks about the exclusion of fathers/partners. Let's stop talking about it and do something to <i>fix</i> it!<br />
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Alright. That's all of my thoughts on that. I think everyone has to make the best decisions for themselves and I dream of inclusiveness. I know people want to support each other, and sometimes we're just misguided in our efforts. I know <i>I</i> have been myself, so I certainly don't blame anyone else. It's tough. Hopefully this blog will help someone think about communicating differently and maybe even improve your relationships with others. It's important to be honest and open as well as respectful.</div>
Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-9039191829988788612013-12-26T19:11:00.001-08:002013-12-26T19:11:41.355-08:00Music Production Laptop<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I know, I know. I'm not writing blogs as often as I'd planned. I have to admit, when I made up my mind to work on music I thought it would happen a lot faster, as it did when I was in high school. Back then, I really maximized my resources and was fine with the little bit that I had. Now, my imagination is pretty grand and I find it difficult to put my music out into the world when I know it could sound better. So, I've been struggling in a familiar place of wanting to make something, but being stuck needing money to create my dream, and ironically the means I have to make money leaves me with very limited creativity time. Heck, even with working from home, it leaves me with very little time, period! But, I have a good job, a wonderful family, and a few nice supporters. :) Yay!<br />
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So, as long as I move forward slowly, that's still progress. I remind myself daily that no one starts where they end up, and that's okay.<br />
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I also had a problem where the nice old production computer my big bro gave me suddenly died and wouldn't wake back up. EEK! But, playing with it taught me a lot about what I really wanted in a music production computer. I need portability, so I can record in places with different acoustics and not have to move giant instruments to the computer; I could bring the computer to <i>them</i>. And, likewise, I could bring a laptop to other artists for collaboration.<br />
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So, I saved up, sacrificed some things, and found a laptop that while not advertised as being for music seems perfect. On December 24th, I finally acquired my music laptop! Even better, it's very equipped for making music videos, so that's something I will try to accomplish in the future. Huzzah! One milestone reached!<br />
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Sadly, my DAW is another $500-$525 (depending on where I can purchase it from). Right now, I have $270 saved up toward that objective, so we're well on the way! In the meantime, since my laptop is more portable, I'll hopefully be able to carry it around and work on notating my music in MuseScore on the go instead of just when I'm not exhausted and still have a moment in my office. This is nice because it will allow me to move to my piano, or hang out with my family in another room while they do other things, and so on. For me, this is a pretty huge achievement. The best part? It cost <i>less</i> than the desktop computer I had been looking into getting originally. Like, nearly $1000 less. Yowza!<br />
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Therefore, while there are no new stories, art, or music posted right now, I am still progressing in the right direction behind the scenes. :) Thanks to those who have supported me thus far. We will keep on trucking along! Never give up! =^--^=<br />
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--Jessica / Dream Senshi<br />
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P.S. Happy Holidays!</div>
Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-27018247152631601422013-10-30T18:17:00.000-07:002013-10-30T18:18:35.430-07:00"Baseball Cap" by Jesse T. Jones<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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"Baseball Cap" </div>
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By: Jesse T. Jones</div>
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<span style="color: red;">WARNING: This poem is <u>not</u> G/PG-rated. Parents/authority figures, please read through the poem to determine if it is appropriate for your child/dependent/person-you-are-currently-responsible-for before sharing it with them. Thanks!</span></div>
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This is my baseball cap, I got it from my dad</div>
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This is my baseball cap; it's blue, white, and red</div>
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This is my baseball cap, I got it when I was ten</div>
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I wore it all the time, back then</div>
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This is my baseball cap, I wore it at eleven</div>
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I wore it when we won, fourteen to seven</div>
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This is my baseball cap, I wore it at twelve</div>
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I wore it with my friends, laughing at ourselves</div>
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This is my baseball cap, I wore it at one and three</div>
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I wore it as I climbed grandpa's apple tree</div>
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This is my baseball cap, I wore it at one and four</div>
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I wore it while I worked at the grocery store</div>
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This is my baseball cap, I wore it at one and five</div>
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I wore it every day, when I was still alive</div>
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This is my baseball cap, I wear it as I'm dead</div>
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I wore it when I put the bullet through my head.</div>
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This is a poem which was written by my husband, perhaps to be put into a collection of short stories and poems we have written at a later date. If you enjoy this, or <a href="http://dreamsenshi.kittyisland.net/2013/06/goodbye-kitten.html" target="_blank">things we've done like it</a>, please consider being a patron at <a href="http://www.patreon.com/dreamsenshi">http://www.patreon.com/dreamsenshi</a> . Patreon allows fans to help artists create more by donating a small amount each time an artist creates something. :) You control how much you pay entirely! Donate as little as $1 a month, reap behind-the-scenes and other benefits from your favorite artists! Check it out, even if you don't want to be our patron. Perhaps there's someone else out there you can be supporting. :)</div>
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Hope this poem gave you feels. Happy Halloween!</div>
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Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-87808588803515181202013-09-10T15:42:00.001-07:002013-09-10T16:41:56.124-07:00Call Centers - Abuse<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
This is going to be a serious conversation, folks. If you're here for the fluffy kitties or music, then I'm sorry. I need to say this, and it's dark enough that I don't really care to put it to song at this time. We're going to talk about violence.<br />
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I work in a call center. I'm the dreaded person you have to call to when you need help with your issues. I do it because I genuinely enjoy helping people. Whenever people ask me about what I do for a living, I immediately feel the need to apologize because . . . let's be honest: who enjoys calling in to call centers? And it's a double-whammy for me because I work in insurance; most people hate insurance too. I think just about everyone has negative connotations with customer service because we can all think of a time when we've had bad customer service.<br />
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The problem is . . . we feel like it's our <i>right</i> be angry. Okay, sure, it's natural to be upset when we are violated in some way, and emotions are hard to deal with. I definitely don't think people should try to <i>ignore</i> or <i>suppress</i> their feelings. We have to figure out how to resolve them, and that can only be done by being aware of them and <i>facing</i> them.<br />
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I think we can all agree that someone walking into an office building with a shotgun to threaten the receptionist to get to whom they want to see is a wrong way to resolve feeling upset. That actually <i>happened</i> at a former place of business I worked at a call center for; the result was that we were no longer allowed to give out addresses or even the <i>city</i> we were in, and we were told to <i>lie</i> about the weather outside because we didn't have the resources to protect us at our call center. Isn't that nuts? We've also had to have security guards on alert because of very serious death threats and other violence that people said they <i>would</i> come to the office to commit. And, some of said people have actually come to the office, so these are <i>not</i> empty threats.<br />
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Physical violence is something that we know to be extreme and <i>not</i> okay. Self-defense is one thing; attacking people is another. I think we can also agree that attacking people physically is not productive. If the person can fight you back, then your attack is futile. If they can't, you're a bully and that person isn't more likely to do what you want or to have "learned their lesson." They will just be violated by <i>you</i>. If your end goal is anything honorable, it <i>should</i> be to have an issue resolved so that you are no longer violated. Obviously, violence won't resolve your issue, though some people make believe that revenge is justice. It isn't. It's just revenge and makes you worse than the people you've hurt. And, those people that get physically hurt aren't always in power to help you stop being violated anyway.<br />
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Let me allow you in to a secret: in customer service, I would <i>love</i> to always tell you the answer that you want to hear. That would make you happy, which means that I can feel good about my job and knowing that I made you happy. But, I can't always do that. We have rules we have to go by, like in every other job. And, before you say, "That's why I ask for a supervisor," our supervisors have rules too. We have to obey government and state laws that govern our workplace, the work itself, and rules laid out by everyone above us. And no, you can't talk to the CEO. Does the CEO at your job take calls? No? I didn't think so.<br />
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Okay. <b>So, why do people think it's okay to use <a href="http://publications.gc.ca/collections/collection_2009/aspc-phac/HP20-12-2008E.pdf" target="_blank">emotional violence</a>?</b> <br />
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I hope that anyone who has read this far really stops to think about this. People know it's bad for <a href="http://www.ncadv.org/files/PsychologicalAbuse.pdf" target="_blank">children</a>; how many people aren't aware of the uproar on <span id="goog_324493784"></span><a href="http://draft.blogger.com/">MySpace or Facebook<span id="goog_324493785"></span></a> when a child or teen commits suicide? This type of violence is also called psychological, mental, or emotional abuse. <br />
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We, as a society, seem to think it's okay to use verbal/emotional abuse to get what we want or to let off steam. It is NOT. It is the same as physical violence (I have littered some links to studies throughout this blog; read or google your own, but be aware of the consequences of actions). Because it is less tangible, we struggle to regulate it. This is in combination with the cultural thing where feeling hurt and emotional because of being abused is somehow unacceptable. People are even cowed into believing that they can't allow their bad feelings of being hurt by emotional abuse be a "burden" to friends and family who could listen and help them heal. And, if you think that I'm overreacting because I <i>just</i> work in a call center, I was physically abused growing up for years . . . and trust me, I went to the police and I went to school counselors all to no avail. This is a <i>real</i> problem. One of them didn't even want to discuss it, it made her so uncomfortable. Even the man I married struggled with this at first, and he <i>loves</i> me. People are uncomfortable dealing with these kinds of feelings or hurt and are even less comfortable <i>committing</i> to assisting with them because it is difficult to prove. So, people <a href="http://justicestudies.sjsu.edu/2012/09/17/emotional-abuse-the-perfect-crime/" target="_blank">can get away with a <i>lot</i> of emotional abuse</a>; that doesn't make it okay. Also, it's very upsetting that the rules favor the customers when it
comes to emotional abuse; customers can abuse all they like, and that's
supposed to be part of one's job. Even the research on abuse in the
<a href="http://www.lni.wa.gov/Safety/Research/Files/Bullying.pdf" target="_blank">workplace is focused on co-workers and supervisors</a>, but not customer
abuse. Because of this, there is higher awareness within organizations, but customers tend to feel like they are <a href="http://www.notalwaysright.com/" target="_blank">always right</a> and are not responsible, no matter how badly they behave.<br />
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At my first job in a call center, no matter what kind of emotional abuse we endured, we were not allowed to hang up. I'm sure some people reading this are already trying to justify that in their minds. "Oh, but most of your calls aren't that bad," and "We all have rough times at work." The fact that we accept this culture <i>is</i> the problem. <a href="http://www.sagepub.com/upm-data/8745_KellowayCh6.pdf" target="_blank">And, there is no justifying it. It is persistent over time, and it hurts</a>. Do you know that I literally stayed on the line with people for 4 hours at a time, sometimes 2 hours after my shift was supposed to have ended, being emotionally abused? Granted, that wasn't every day, but it was regular. Unsurprisingly, I didn't feel bad when I left that job.<br />
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Today, my work is far more reasonable, but the emotional abuse is still there and it is regular. I'm there to help, and I will do everything that the rules allow for me to do. I will even challenge rules I think are bad and risk my professional reputation because <i>I</i> believe it is the right thing to do. I take my responsibility to be respectful seriously; I don't want to be an abuser either and I know it doesn't help. I know that most people in customer service don't take everything that seriously; trust me, that's frustrating to me too. They make it harder for me to help people who are relying on us. And, like all slackers, they make our supervisors and supervisor's supervisors create rules that are obstacles for the folks who are genuinely trying to do good work. But the thing that kills me inside daily, makes me sparkle a little bit less, that makes others resentful and give up on trying to be good employees, are the emotional abusers. The people who call in and think that it's okay to yell and scream, ask tasks that they <i>know</i> are impossible, or refuse to help the customer service representative to help them and then act indignant about it. And, it's not just our civilian customers. In fact, other professionals tend to be the worst. :( It's really upsetting.<br />
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No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. And, I'll even give kudos to the person who calls me up and vents and says, "I'm sorry. I know it's not you <i>specifically</i>, but I'm just so angry about the situation!" Hey! You have a right to be angry, and I appreciate that while I'm there to take on the onslaught, you took the moment to realize that I'm a human being with feelings. <a href="http://counselingoutfitters.com/vistas/vistas05/Vistas05.art62.pdf" target="_blank">To the person who calls up to do nothing more than be a bully, though . . .STOP.</a> I think so many people justify it as, "I'm calling in to fix my problem that you jerks messed up, so you deserve what you get," and then they go on to allow <i>nothing</i> the other person tries to do to help them to be good enough and are abusive the whole way.<br />
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And, this emotional abuse really does hurt! We don't talk about it in the office because, again as a sickness in our culture, we think it's "not professional" to have feelings. That is . . . so messed up on so many levels that I don't even know what to say about that aspect of it yet. But, I have seen people get off a call where you could <i>hear</i> the person on the other line across the ROOM yelling at them, and they go to the bathroom in tears to try and hide their pain and suffering while they do what they can to recover, scared to return to the phone and be abused again. Multiple people. They never say a word, but they suffer. I don't tell others, either, for that matter, because I'm scared of losing my job or having people think less of me, like they did with my other abuse. And guess what? They aren't any better at their job afterward, bullies. If anything, they're worse because they are shaken up. If you don't want us to screw up, then stop creating a hostile work environment! No one works well under those conditions. Even worse, some of those people feel the poison of that emotional abuse and take it home with them. They bottle it up to keep their families safe, but the hurt just festers and festers. Sometimes, despite best efforts, it spreads, and that's the worst. :( Or, good people just quit. I've thought about it recently. In fact, I almost called my supervisor this morning because I was in tears. Thankfully, it came at the time of my first break so I had time to talk to my husband and calm down.<br />
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Go out there and look up psychology studies. <i>Nothing</i> supports this kind of behavior for conflict resolution. If you are emotionally abusing <i>anyone</i>, you <i>are</i> just as bad as the person who threatens to come in with a shotgun. Acts of emotional terrorism are <i>not</i> okay. They don't make you cool. They don't make you tough and more empowered; it rarely changes anything except for riling other people up to behave just like you and create more acts of emotional terrorism or break people down so that they're not functional anymore. We do have to stand up against being violated, but that <i>isn't</i> the way to do it.<br />
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I know it isn't easy, especially with movies promoting the notion that this kind of "justice" is amusing and cool. All that I can ask is for everyone to stop and think. Before you yell at <a href="http://www.nspcc.org.uk/inform/research/briefings/emotionalabuse_wda48215.html" target="_blank">your kids</a>, <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wired-success/201105/the-silent-epidemic-workplace-bullying" target="_blank">your co-workers, your employees</a>, or your <a href="http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml" target="_blank">loved ones</a> . . . before you say something <i>negative</i> of any kind, think about the repercussions. Think about how you could do it more productively. <i>Work</i> at it; it's not easy. I've struggled too. When people don't listen, it makes it hard and it's easy to feel like the only option left is violence, physical or emotional. There's no real resolution in that, though. And, if something isn't working, the only thing to do is find another way. For every person, that other way might be different, but I encourage you to find it.<br />
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There are things I could personally request of our customers that I think I would be perfectly justified in asking (and I'd love to blog some things to help folks understand more about what we do), but all that I am going to ask for is the most important thing: Please, <a href="http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse/what-is-emotional-verbal-abuse" target="_blank">recognize that emotional abuse isn't okay</a>. Realize what a monster it turns people into. Stop accepting it. And, if you have any suggestions about promoting this change, then put them in the comments!! Let's <a href="http://www.pheromonetalk.com/psychological-abuse-work-otherwise-known-workplace-32889.html" target="_blank">share</a> the thoughts, ideas, and support, and <i><b>spread them</b></i>! That's all I'm asking for.<br />
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Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-59806439219460424052013-08-23T21:01:00.000-07:002013-09-10T16:44:28.088-07:00"Believe" - MuseScore Draft<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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So, last month I had been planning on drawing and/or writing stories on here as filler. Then, I had some mental breakthroughs . . . I got courage, and I started working harder. My big brother gave me his old music production computer until I can afford the one I've been dreaming of. This all really changed everything!<br />
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In the past few weeks, I started plowing through the software on my brother's computer, getting familiar with it and wanting to record directly from my keyboard. What I discovered is that isn't really my style. At least, not until I have my music notated. I know many people I admire do it entirely the opposite way; they play it, record it, and worry about sheet music later. Quite likely because I am playing all of the parts myself right now, my mind can't contain it <i>until</i> it's notated. So, I chose the instruments (roughly) that I want to use in the fancy software on the old production computer, and then I've spent all of my time cramming in <a href="http://musescore.com/dreamsenshi" target="_blank">MuseScore</a>, my favorite notation software (it's free and SO fast and easy to use). I was amazed! Once I knew what I wanted to hear from the fancy instruments (although, I may change my mind about them . . . there's so many options!! GAH!), between that and hearing the song in my head, it spilled out so easily. And so, I have the rough midi draft of "Believe" available below.<br />
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I was going to start with a different song, one that I was sure would be very well-received, but this one was insistent. I heard it every time I woke up, as I was falling asleep, in the shower . . . It <i>demanded</i> to go first. :} So, it shall. I hope you like it! And, though I am scared of it, bring on the constructive criticism. * hides behind a boulder * Although, I'm going to say before you can, yes I know the sound isn't leveled. I left this intentionally rough because when I port it over, I'd just have to redo all of the work again. So, meh. BUT, that being said, any ideas on what needs more or less would be good. I'm considering taking down the percussion during the chorus a notch, but we'll see.<br />
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I hope you listen all the way through and check out the lyrics! For your convenience, I have also added them below. <br />
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So, if you like this as a midi, please consider becoming a patron for me at Patreon. You'll get a free copy of the official song once it's released as well as more secret background information about it if you're a patron! And, being a patron doesn't have to cost much at all. You can be a patron for $1 for each piece I create or less (you set the max you are willing to pay per month!). So, check out my patreon account here: <a href="http://www.patreon.com/dreamsenshi">http://www.patreon.com/dreamsenshi</a><br />
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<iframe frameborder="0" height="394" src="http://musescore.com/dreamsenshi/scores/125034/embed" width="100%"></iframe><a href="http://musescore.com/dreamsenshi/scores/125034">Believe</a> by <a href="http://musescore.com/dreamsenshi">Dreamsenshi</a><br />
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"Believe" lyrics:<br />
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It's alarming how while<br />
I had meant to feel nothing at all . . .<br />
I give you all I can.<br />
I don't know what to do . . .<br />
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Do you harm or beguile?<br />
I shouldn't think on things so small . . .<br />
It's not part of my plan,<br />
or all I thought I knew.<br />
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Because I've learned not to believe<br />
in faerie tales.<br />
Who are you to come and undo<br />
all the pain that I've gone through?<br />
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If I try to believe,<br />
you <i>will</i> break my heart . . .<br />
So, I'll just imagine . . .<br />
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. . . Your disarming smile.<br />
You make me the belle of the ball.<br />
Not ashamed of who I am.<br />
It's too good to be true . . .<br />
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Because I've learned not to believe<br />
in faerie tales.<br />
Who are you to come and undo<br />
all the pain that I've gone through?<br />
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If I start to believe,<br />
you <i>will</i> break my heart.<br />
So, I'll just ignore . . . that . . .<br />
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I know I can't stay,<br />
even if danger weren't in the way.<br />
I just wish this dream could be<br />
forever.<br />
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It's charming and futile.<br />
I fear I . . .am starting to fall . . .<br />
Moth to the flame of this man.<br />
My heart beats only for you.<br />
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Because I long to believe<br />
in faerie tales.<br />
I want to be free and undo<br />
all the pain that I've gone through.<br />
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I need to believe<br />
you <i>will</i> hold on to my heart . . .<br />
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Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-23941251367447578372013-08-05T12:36:00.001-07:002013-08-05T12:36:51.695-07:00Music Computer<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
As anyone who has been reading my last few blogs probably knows, I've been saving up to get a music production computer so that I can record my music and finally get it going. I've been posting stories in the meantime, but they really aren't primarily what I want to do (even though I love them!). So, I had reached out to my brother to actually apologize for being stupidly busy and not spending time with him more often in the past year. :( I felt bad, because my big bro is a really great guy. After explaining to him what's going on with Terinati and I, he responded back excitedly about his own music projects and that he had an old music production computer I could use until I can afford the one I'm saving up for! :D<br />
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So, Mike came over yesterday and we set up the old computer, and it's amazing-sauce. Seriously. I can't believe how awesome things sound on that machine, even with cheap $10 speakers. I've got some work to do now. =^--^= I am one lucky kid sister! This couldn't have happened at a better time because on my personal computer, the hard drive is going . . . which means I will more than likely need to replace that before I can afford the new production computer. <br />
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The good news is, MUSIC SOON! Sooner than would have been possible otherwise. I'm really going to work hard to get some demos so you guys can see why you'd want to be a <a href="http://www.patreon.com/dreamsenshi" target="_blank">patron</a> of mine (if you're not a patron already). Also, I will have to show you some of my brother's work, because in my humble opinion, he is far more talented than myself and deserves to be heard. :) Maybe we'll even make music together (that would be one of the greatest things ever, I think). Only time will tell though.<br />
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There's a lot of work ahead of me, to be sure, but this knocks out a big obstacle. I do have a goal list, but it is quite long and complicated, so I don't think you'd be interested in that. :} I will keep you posted so that you know I haven't fallen off the face of the earth! I'm so pumped right now. Every time I woke up last night, I had songs in my head . . . and they finally have a really good place to go. SQUEEE!<br />
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SOON!! =^00^=</div>
Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-50233242689052085752013-07-29T19:51:00.000-07:002013-07-29T20:05:21.586-07:00"Everybody Dies"<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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The following is a mock children's book. If you enjoy it and would like to see more things like it, or more things <a href="http://dreamsenshi.kittyisland.net/2013/06/goodbye-kitten.html" target="_blank">like this</a>, please consider becoming a patron at <a href="http://www.patreon.com/dreamsenshi">http://www.patreon.com/dreamsenshi</a> .</div>
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"Everybody Dies"</div>
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Written by Jesse T. Jones</div>
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Illustrated by Jessica P. Jones</div>
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<span style="color: red;">PARENTAL WARNING: Not intended for use with small children or impressionable adults. For entertainment purposes only.</span></div>
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There's something I'm going to share with you</div>
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That I've come to realize</div>
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No matter where, or when, or who you are,</div>
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Everybody dies.</div>
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Your favorite musician</div>
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Is likely very close</div>
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To dying of something terrible</div>
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Like suicide, or overdose.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4oLibQY9Dz_iEDs74W2LyTiuhuKsYSolZaYivTw7TnRYuq0o9BlMnxZFm73kaUTeWq8jLC3W_C6QrNVMjZJJIzZCNiPxe89plBOFnEjGX-kKyBoRuIDBixoOI_o_7FafQ1FoZjbj3MtMu/s1600/EverybodyDies_Page09.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="261" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4oLibQY9Dz_iEDs74W2LyTiuhuKsYSolZaYivTw7TnRYuq0o9BlMnxZFm73kaUTeWq8jLC3W_C6QrNVMjZJJIzZCNiPxe89plBOFnEjGX-kKyBoRuIDBixoOI_o_7FafQ1FoZjbj3MtMu/s400/EverybodyDies_Page09.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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If you have a hamster,</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8bQB9mSx7NUP9TjjA4S_Q7_BLpbqKJmlh-ToSNuOTjT00wh4MG2Pv5tuenzS8gMiwRiJ8HF7C0PoJ1gyk9A1XE6HJu9dnzJCO2b5gZWoEgAx42Lr2nIqWTIK1Hxss0qK7DO30H-TTqltu/s1600/EverybodyDies_Page10.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="161" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8bQB9mSx7NUP9TjjA4S_Q7_BLpbqKJmlh-ToSNuOTjT00wh4MG2Pv5tuenzS8gMiwRiJ8HF7C0PoJ1gyk9A1XE6HJu9dnzJCO2b5gZWoEgAx42Lr2nIqWTIK1Hxss0qK7DO30H-TTqltu/s400/EverybodyDies_Page10.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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Or a kitty or a pup,</div>
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Some day they will play dead,</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxdD1Gfsc9CzI1F3azjkrT5pwAexIXlvhgGXcPzZ5zv84Wx8gLLq2hSq2aahxpyqCbfBmZMSTNsg2PgNlqg7x1K3RUcugSJRdKGKfyaxdEhApH5AmLBHozTAniBSwwbRzthp3W4mTa6rok/s1600/EverybodyDies_Page12.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="196" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxdD1Gfsc9CzI1F3azjkrT5pwAexIXlvhgGXcPzZ5zv84Wx8gLLq2hSq2aahxpyqCbfBmZMSTNsg2PgNlqg7x1K3RUcugSJRdKGKfyaxdEhApH5AmLBHozTAniBSwwbRzthp3W4mTa6rok/s400/EverybodyDies_Page12.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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And never get back up.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbi5Su6FkRJ7hsBrkp8oERxthj4uyGVD5yDWexV1dczT1Oj7r8eTXrf1ff5tj_JTRGoagyt6_cKnJjo1S0pULJlxzGCLlyyPZ7nbHM7y3McPdr2wAxGOh61DroGpGrUQR2hnq0lcLkNmPB/s1600/EverybodyDies_Page13_adjustment.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="326" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbi5Su6FkRJ7hsBrkp8oERxthj4uyGVD5yDWexV1dczT1Oj7r8eTXrf1ff5tj_JTRGoagyt6_cKnJjo1S0pULJlxzGCLlyyPZ7nbHM7y3McPdr2wAxGOh61DroGpGrUQR2hnq0lcLkNmPB/s400/EverybodyDies_Page13_adjustment.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Your grandma and your grandpa</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhekr0lUCYIiEBlg5ESeW-trh00XZlJMM8KnU2fV3JG62xPOTTPfb7Cw1L49yaiL7FAqv5-L-xYNR9Pf5mN2zAZnx112Ca8nA0GWnr6yal4MGoSa5jxbWiLF2B4y_o3EuIptLpbqfeXJqYm/s1600/EverybodyDies_Page14_adjustment.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="306" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhekr0lUCYIiEBlg5ESeW-trh00XZlJMM8KnU2fV3JG62xPOTTPfb7Cw1L49yaiL7FAqv5-L-xYNR9Pf5mN2zAZnx112Ca8nA0GWnr6yal4MGoSa5jxbWiLF2B4y_o3EuIptLpbqfeXJqYm/s400/EverybodyDies_Page14_adjustment.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Could bite it any day</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCQJ64V2hTUA4Lm7AAiIIpX5gDByv0hlqSK_YFUyfUlHX3WPUNATpU7mPkHDGE3EwnPa7USc6JsLj1ve4KTM_JwfqLUae6tKxJ1alwaLzzyA_FRY8-_rVbD9ALIxWIrGhEMttacQJ4T8wH/s1600/EverybodyDies_Page15.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="227" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCQJ64V2hTUA4Lm7AAiIIpX5gDByv0hlqSK_YFUyfUlHX3WPUNATpU7mPkHDGE3EwnPa7USc6JsLj1ve4KTM_JwfqLUae6tKxJ1alwaLzzyA_FRY8-_rVbD9ALIxWIrGhEMttacQJ4T8wH/s400/EverybodyDies_Page15.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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So tell them that you love them</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiyMz_5hxMORiXSsipfLCNTzYqJyZlCU9RAKaw9-BY65NANRkiCSH2dueOEkW16m-Q69qRRuKGAuETfpQCGDpKbDDgkWgJP-QxS3LJ6s_Z756dCs8MWU0xoeQOLOkoYU3y6zh0vLS1ddRh/s1600/EverybodyDies_Page16.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiyMz_5hxMORiXSsipfLCNTzYqJyZlCU9RAKaw9-BY65NANRkiCSH2dueOEkW16m-Q69qRRuKGAuETfpQCGDpKbDDgkWgJP-QxS3LJ6s_Z756dCs8MWU0xoeQOLOkoYU3y6zh0vLS1ddRh/s400/EverybodyDies_Page16.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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Before they go away.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmpQUhwQTis8ceEMW89sdVVfT7n8lq-IkQE7G6vAPuuiEeZ-F28jBTAMMRfY38x42x1vL4eaSywLXNCgcIsW15UTgzbL6eXtM1nH950rMhcQWYLLqSPKki5rdgyivHUmX06wbI0rZqlkpw/s1600/EverybodyDies_Page17.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="253" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmpQUhwQTis8ceEMW89sdVVfT7n8lq-IkQE7G6vAPuuiEeZ-F28jBTAMMRfY38x42x1vL4eaSywLXNCgcIsW15UTgzbL6eXtM1nH950rMhcQWYLLqSPKki5rdgyivHUmX06wbI0rZqlkpw/s400/EverybodyDies_Page17.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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Every time your parents drive</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhV2_Dg8A-8IqWaOD62QWLgtiy_qoxTMiMdvGbvdCmaclN4FZKtqP1RAEIdSzsHPsySKsykG3y1tmsLb2U3otaPtdI6fPvq4E6t0v0ss498CPZSlmAawZCLkbovanL3GMw3fShMsAgVWJPF/s1600/EverybodyDies_Page18.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="210" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhV2_Dg8A-8IqWaOD62QWLgtiy_qoxTMiMdvGbvdCmaclN4FZKtqP1RAEIdSzsHPsySKsykG3y1tmsLb2U3otaPtdI6fPvq4E6t0v0ss498CPZSlmAawZCLkbovanL3GMw3fShMsAgVWJPF/s400/EverybodyDies_Page18.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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While talking on their phone</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQQrL2CQZ-O_TGMIkvOXzy_0UfPNMGhL03WE26XBu8rIqpjk_HzV3elg_ZlAfoW81yrKKoIxg2aboDgBBElxsPpIS1D2RtXg9jLHgKjBiPGNH3Z8ukpGAxQmPTlVyEbv956hyphenhyphenAU3XXdf-C/s1600/EverybodyDies_Page19.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQQrL2CQZ-O_TGMIkvOXzy_0UfPNMGhL03WE26XBu8rIqpjk_HzV3elg_ZlAfoW81yrKKoIxg2aboDgBBElxsPpIS1D2RtXg9jLHgKjBiPGNH3Z8ukpGAxQmPTlVyEbv956hyphenhyphenAU3XXdf-C/s400/EverybodyDies_Page19.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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They raise their chances even higher</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEawLuyIbAGzclnPoqwoBVR_VfbxUDqVMnrbsoYBXj6ndU6BhIVt-egemlKSGJotm4Kgo40FSzpPIgCVj4bEu8k2Rh2PHdEGNE81d7LEZMmIbQg1mmjSTTo6F03Xba_-w7-b73tXtkrblP/s1600/EverybodyDies_Page20_alone.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEawLuyIbAGzclnPoqwoBVR_VfbxUDqVMnrbsoYBXj6ndU6BhIVt-egemlKSGJotm4Kgo40FSzpPIgCVj4bEu8k2Rh2PHdEGNE81d7LEZMmIbQg1mmjSTTo6F03Xba_-w7-b73tXtkrblP/s400/EverybodyDies_Page20_alone.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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Of leaving you alone.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwKtd4KDD9SGxZHKJ7tHyHSLwBXf_sftMZ1GCq_cgsSMZifGaelqv-mDW3GoqnlhjDfdXL6RBc9sNikMW9SkO_SA7Lj0ZBAbg2hmEcilR94be7Jj6S2giDVITC0Yk2wq-4Nfz2kBg4KUOM/s1600/EverybodyDies_Page21.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwKtd4KDD9SGxZHKJ7tHyHSLwBXf_sftMZ1GCq_cgsSMZifGaelqv-mDW3GoqnlhjDfdXL6RBc9sNikMW9SkO_SA7Lj0ZBAbg2hmEcilR94be7Jj6S2giDVITC0Yk2wq-4Nfz2kBg4KUOM/s400/EverybodyDies_Page21.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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At any time, night or day,</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWQPDA2AuU9nF2LnLOuX3EpnG9APrJEWIxA6DjiszNUH3tnwQNAMqCOvFw0LdxNEe6KrrZPjbzRmPx2595Khp6SPr1SUo24debkG_X8L4DGADYHtNuSjv3WkQEZlTGgcj0EwwtimSA6La_/s1600/EverybodyDies_Page22_adjustment.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWQPDA2AuU9nF2LnLOuX3EpnG9APrJEWIxA6DjiszNUH3tnwQNAMqCOvFw0LdxNEe6KrrZPjbzRmPx2595Khp6SPr1SUo24debkG_X8L4DGADYHtNuSjv3WkQEZlTGgcj0EwwtimSA6La_/s400/EverybodyDies_Page22_adjustment.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Anyone can die</div>
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From burglars, terrorists, and nasty storms</div>
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Or possibly things falling from the sky.</div>
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So before you go to bed tonight, know that this is true:</div>
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Every person must die some time; tonight it might be you.</div>
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--<br />
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If you enjoyed this children's book parody written by Terinati and DreamSenshi, please consider being a patron here: <a href="http://www.patreon.com/dreamsenshi">http://www.patreon.com/dreamsenshi</a><br />
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You can also purchase a PDF or book of this story as a gift for yourself or someone else on Blurb.com here: <a href="http://www.blurb.com/user/store/Dreamsenshi">http://www.blurb.com/user/store/Dreamsenshi</a><br />
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Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-17034279027558412922013-07-03T17:41:00.000-07:002013-07-03T17:43:01.960-07:00Self-Doubt and Poop Cakes<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
There are so many things that I've considered writing about in my blog lately!<br />
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First, I had a major breakthrough about my perceptions of things. I think most people know that it's bad to live life feeling obligated to follow the philosophies of others. We need to do what's right for ourselves. What is <i>less </i>obvious (or at least was less obvious to <i>me</i>) was that I could create my <i>own</i> obligations built entirely on fear of the potential reactions of people without even knowing what their actual philosophies are. For example, now that I own my own house and there's so much repair and cleaning up that it needs, I was constantly feeling inadequate because we don't have the funds or the time to do the repairs or the gardening. I had been feeling miserable because of <i>hundreds</i> of things circulating in my mind like this, so getting out of that trap was <i>beautiful</i>. I'm me! My house isn't perfect and I'm a bit sloppy! But, I'm also a cute kitty! YAY! =^..^=<br />
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It was <i>so</i> beautiful that I wanted to create more! Share more! I went on a mission to go through my old things, apparently dated all the way back to the 1990's, pulling out old songs and poetry and stories. I was feeling especially secure after posting my <a href="http://dreamsenshi.kittyisland.net/2013/06/goodbye-kitten.html" target="_blank">last blog</a> didn't kill me, and because I checked and saw the crazy high number of views I had on <a href="http://dreamsenshi.kittyisland.net/2007/09/overnight-ninja-party.html" target="_blank"><i>this</i> blog</a> (clearly, I should write about nothing but ninja crafts to have a successful blog). In searching, I found some real forgotten treasures from my past self. But then . . . I also found a LOT of <i>really</i> bad stuff.<br />
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Most of these things were never meant to be shared. I
didn't even actually like them myself, but I created them as a form of
catharsis. They helped me to feel better; I could probably have ignored
them, but there was <i>more</i>.<br />
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The worst were the things I thought were "okay" at the time of their creation, but really were like a brick to the face of anyone who experienced them. At least, that's how it seems in retrospect. Back then, I felt so invisible and had a dark problem I couldn't tell anyone about for reasons that would make this blog too long if I explained them. Essentially, this recipe of my life created a situation where I was desperate to express myself and be heard, but couldn't be honest. This recipe makes poop cakes out of everything, and that's how I'm going to refer to those pieces of work going forward. :} They are so bad that they are poop cakes.<br />
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Those works did not come out like real music or a good story. Good music and stories are magic, or miracles. They take something ordinary and change it into something that can be felt in an entirely intuitive way by hundreds,
thousands, and maybe even millions of people, if you're lucky. What <i>I</i> had put together was basically an emotional catapult full of ammunition instead of inspiration. It was harsh, immature, and annoying. It was a catapult full of poop cakes.<br />
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So, after that humbling and nausea-inducing experience, I went back timidly to work on the stuff I <i>did</i> like . . . and now I find myself questioning <i>everything</i>. "Is this actually good?" "How could I possibly expect people to pay for this?" "I used to have a wealth of experience, but it's been a decade since I worked seriously, even though I've worked. I'm mediocre. A fraud! These are all poop cakes!" "I don't even have a music production computer yet! When I finally save up enough money, what if I'm too stupid to use it?!" "I should get lessons! I can't afford college again. From who? From where? WHY DO THESE WEBSITES SUCK SO BAD?! I NEED THE RIGHT KIND OF LESSONS NOW SO I CAN STOP SUCKING SO MUCH!!" . . .<br />
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. . . I've been a tad stressed out over this. :} To compound this, I'm very introverted, which means I've got an extremely limited support group. My husband has been here for me as much of possible, of course.<br />
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Then, today, something happened and kind of brought me back down to earth. I'm not sure why it helped calm me down. I think because it was simple. I wrote a quick little story about it, so here it is:<br />
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Me: [feeling queasy, having gotten my first patron on Patreon. Moving along with my songwriting/story-writing, but still feeling like it isn't even worth the generosity of this one patron. Having an
introversion panic attack and needing fresh air in the office – opens
the window for break.]</div>
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10 minutes later . . .</div>
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Me: [goes to close window before end of break and a
relatively larger-than-average, black spider falls off of the top of the window into
the little window slot at the bottom] “AHHH!”</div>
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Black spider: “AHHH!”</div>
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Me: [staring] “. . .”</div>
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Black spider: [wiggling its… head or butt at me;
it’s unclear when they’re that small, though it was obviously shaking
SOMETHING at me.] “. . .”</div>
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Me: “Okay, well. Do you want back out?” [starts to open the window again]</div>
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Black spider: “AHHHHHHHHHHHH!” [starts climbing to where it will get killed by the window if I keep going.]</div>
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Me: [stops opening the window, and closes it again] “Okay. I’ve got to get back to work. We good until then?”</div>
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Black spider: “eep?” [settles down on the window.]</div>
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Me: “Cool . . . Watch out for the cats.”</div>
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Black spider: .,;00;,.<br />
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I'm not sure what it was exactly, but somehow . . . this very tiny bonding experience with this spider I may never see again really lifted my spirits. I know, it has no direct relationship with my talent or my skill level whatsoever, but I think that's the thing. I needed to stop thinking about it so much for a moment, and the weird little guy (or girl?) gave me that.<br />
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Sometimes, I'm afraid to say how afraid I am. Self-doubt is seen as weakness, and negative people tend latch onto it as a way to validate that they are better than you. But, I want to be honest. I don't <i>know</i> if I'm good enough. I believe that I can be, but it's horrifying. As much as music is a miracle to me, like wielding real magic, that's a huge responsibility! If I don't do it well, then I feel like I'll disappoint people who are putting their faith in me. But, the way I felt when I was talking to the spider, considering its feelings . . . that sharing moment is what I feel like my music is really about. I don't really connect with people well, so music and stories are my way to reach out and put my love in the world. I'm going to keep trying! On the up side, I've heard people say that you can't be brave if the thing you're trying to do is easy. :}<br />
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So, there's another milestone on this crazy journey.<br />
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SIDE NOTE: I <i>am</i> managing to get work done toward another story/song/video release in the near future, probably later this month, so I'm not <i>just</i> panicking. :} LOL. I am managing to get some stuff done. And, if you're interested in being a patron of mine because of what you've read so far, you can support me here: <a href="http://www.patreon.com/dreamsenshi">http://www.patreon.com/dreamsenshi</a> . I will do my best not to present you with any poop cakes.<br />
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Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-7963857536601331372013-06-18T16:48:00.001-07:002013-06-18T16:48:35.071-07:00"Goodbye, Kitten"<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I have to resist the urge now to tell you all of the background on this story, even though I really want to, because I promised to save that for my patrons. :} It's so hard! Despite being introverted, once I open up, I do tend to over-share. At any rate, as promised, here is a story. I'm not putting it on Blurb; I figure that I will collect several of my short stories about cats (amongst other things) and put them into one small book of short stories on Blurb that can be purchased upon completion, with illustrations I will do myself. I am also considering composing instrumental music for the stories I write which I can then read to on YouTube. Let me know in the comments if you think that's a good idea! If not, say that too. :) I want honest opinions. I will say that I wrote this short story in 1999, so it is quite old. I make no claims to be a great wielder of words like Peter S. Beagle, but a mere sharer of dreams and feelings.<br />
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Before you read, I also want to mention that if you like it, please tell your friends about what I do or subscribe to my blog . . . and then make your friends subscribe too. ;) It has an RSS feed, so you can just add it to yours if you have one. Love RSS feeds. Since Google's Reader is going away, I highly recommend <a href="http://www.feeddemon.com/" target="_blank">FeedDemon</a>, which is free.<br />
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Or, if you <i>really</i> like it and want to help me to create more, please consider becoming a Patron on my Patreon account here: <a href="http://www.patreon.com/dreamsenshi">http://www.patreon.com/dreamsenshi</a> . I don't create as much as many others on Patreon do, but I plan to do more. Plus, you can get bonus content! =^..^= And, even the tiniest offering helps. Right now, I'm desperately trying to save up money for a music production computer and am facing the fact that my current computer may have had too much corruption due to overheating and may need a replacement soon as well. D: I'll keep working my butt off toward these ends regardless and keep posting stories for free on my blog as well as other art and music as I go along. And, if money isn't an option for you (I totally get that! I am in the same boat!), then support in the comments is also a huge help because it shows me what you like or don't like and will make for good positive reinforcement in my efforts to share what I have to give with you. =^--^= Hooray for classical conditioning!<br />
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Alright! Enough blah blah blah! Here it goes! This story is PG, if you're wondering.<br />
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"Goodbye Kitten"</div>
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(A story for Penelope)</div>
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By: Jessica P. Jones / DreamSenshi</div>
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<i>I'm going to die</i>, Mimi thought as she dragged her offering across the floor toward Synthia's bed. The dove hung limply in her jaws with only a few feathers plucked away. <i>So soon. Why so soon?</i> She took a short leap up to the bed and put the bird to rest on a pillow. Carefully, she reached out a paw to fix the placement of the corpse. <i>This is for you, Synthia. Maybe you can forgive me.</i> She curled up on the foot of the bed, legs too wobbly and tired from jumping up to go back down. Her tail swung to wrap around her frail, grey furry body and she placed one paw gracefully over one eye, perhaps in her last pose this life.</div>
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As Mimi's soul became distant from the world, all her memories started to come back to her . . .</div>
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Synthia was a girl of about six years when she first met Mimi. Two boys from down the street traded the bright little kitten in a box for two classic baseball cards.The little blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl had never been so full of smiles. She ran home with her box to show her parents.</div>
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Despite all the past arguments of having a new kitten in the home while Synthia still had her aged cat, they instantly fell in love with the big green eyes and bold personality Mimi had to offer. The kitten strutted around her new home, not interested in a personal life with anyone else. She admired herself in mirrors whenever she had the chance and enjoyed being brushed by the mother of the household.</div>
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But no matter what Synthia tried to do to impress her, Mimi was not interested in her.</div>
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"Cmon, Mimi! Play in the nice building I made for you! It's your own little house. D'you like it?" Synthia waited eagerly to see her new kitten's reaction.</div>
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"Mew?" Mimi barely gave it a sniff. <i>What a waste of my time. I have better things to do than play with this filthy child. She will only muss my fur.</i></div>
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Certain that the kitten would enjoy the cozy, cat-nip-filled cardboard box with cut-out windows, the girl reached for the small, grey fluff ball. "Please come here, Mimi."</div>
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But the kitten was too insulted by the child's efforts. She swatted at Synthia with her claws, folding her ears back and hissing before running off to hide inside her scratching post tower.</div>
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<i>Why did I treat her that way? I should have played with her. All that time I wasted, thinking only of myself, when she was always thinking of me.</i> Mimi opened her eyes again when she heard the door to the bedroom open. Synthia, now twenty, walked in with her purse swinging at her side and her boyfriend close behind her.</div>
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At first, Synthia did not notice the cat on the end of her bed. When she saw the dead bird resting on her favorite pillow, she gasped and dropped her stack of books. Her boyfriend raised an eyebrow and made a disgusted noise.</div>
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"Oh! What is this? Some kind of sign? Did Mimi do this? She never left these around for anyone else to find. She always kept them to herself," Synthia commented as she drew closer to the bed.</div>
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Her boyfriend blinked. "Mimi? Who's Mimi?"</div>
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"My, um, my father's cat. I had to leave her here after I started college. But she never has done anything like this. At the same time, it's hard to believe a dove got in here and just died on my bed."</div>
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A smile crossed his face. "Really? I could have never been without my cat. She's such a sweetie.She always leaves mice in the closet. Some people say it's a cat's way of showing affection to its owner."</div>
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Synthia blinked. "Sign of affection? How silly. Cats don't love people."</div>
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<i>You're wrong, Synthia!</i> <i>You're so wrong. But, it's my fault. I made you think it works that way. You don't really believe that, do you? I tried so hard to change your mind.</i> Mimi lifted her head slightly, but found it too heavy and lied back down as another memory overwhelmed her thoughts.</div>
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"Miaow! Mrrrrow!" Mimi was full grown now, and Synthia was fifteen. After Synthia's brother moved out and the girl's mother was forced to leave because of the divorce and the father of the house was always at work, the feline found herself lonely. She twined and danced between Synthia's legs while the teen worked at the computer, attempting to lure her with a dulcet purr.</div>
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The teen reached to gently push Mimi away. "I'm busy now, Mimi. I have to finish this report."</div>
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"Meeeeeow!"</div>
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Synthia rolled her eyes and turned from her work. "Look, you didn't want my attention before. Why d'you want it now? Are you hungry again? I just fed you five minutes ago. I've changed your box three times today. You don't care if we spend quality time together because you're just a cat. You didn't even care when my other cat died. You know, she took care of you." Swirling around in her chair, she went back to work without another thought.</div>
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Mimi's ears folded back and she mewed silently again. <i>Is that what you think of me? That I don't care? Hmph. Of course I care!</i> "Mew?"<i> Synthia? Please talk to me. I made a mistake.</i> "MROW!" <i>Synthia!</i></div>
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"Shh! I've got to finish this. Go torture someone else, Mimi."</div>
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<i> </i>* * *</div>
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A soft mew broke the silence and Synthia turned to see the weak shadow of a feisty creature she used to know. Her blue eyes widened and she sat on the edge of the bed. "Mimi? You asleep?" She reached out a shaking hand to touch the soft, unkempt fur. <i>Please don't be dead, kitty. Please.</i></div>
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The boyfriend stood back, watching silently.<i> </i></div>
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As the gentle fingers caressed Mimi's slowly rising stomach, the cat opened her eyes and peeked out of under her paw to look up at her girl. "Mew." <i>Synthia! It's so good to see you now.</i> She gently bumped her forehead against Synthia's hand.</div>
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Synthia sighed in relief. "Mimi! You had me scared there. You don't look very good. Maybe I should call Papa in to take a look at you. This isn't like you at all."</div>
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The feline's burning green eyes looked toward the pillow in a suggestive way. <i>The dove is for you. I heard humans say a dove is a symbol for love.</i> She purred softly, then closed her eyes again, resting her head on her girl's hand.</div>
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Grinning, Synthia reached out to stroke Mimi's back with her free hand. "So, you <i>did</i> do this for me? You really musn't be well."</div>
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Her boyfriend stepped up, hands in his pockets. "Not to be insulting, but your cat looks like she's near death."</div>
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"What?"</div>
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"Look at her. She must be very, very old. This uncommon behavior is surely a sign of affection, but it is also a sign of change. Didn't your old cat do something along the same lines before she died?"</div>
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Synthia bit her lower lip, leaning closer to her cat. "Mimi, you're not leaving us, right? There's so much I have to show you now, if you care to see."</div>
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No response. The purring had stopped.</div>
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"Mimi?" The woman's face went pale. The feline was barely breathing. "You are, aren't you?"</div>
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<i>I'm sorry . . .</i></div>
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"I'm sorry . . . I'll be right outside?" As she nodded to him, he quickly stepped out, leaving the two alone.</div>
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Taking paw in hand, Synthia lied down on the bed to be closer to her friend. "I'm sorry I left you behind. You should be angry with me. I held that stupid grudge. Isn't this silly, Mimi? Look how sentimental I'm getting. You're just a cat." She had to stop and think. "Right?"</div>
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Mimi was pleased. She knew she was not just a cat anymore. Finally content, she could die. <i>Goodbye, Synthia. Maybe we'll meet again in another life. Don't let the mice take over after I'm gone.</i> She nuzzled the hand one more time before striking her final pose with her head resting gently on Synthia's knee.</div>
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Slowly, tears began to come like the beginning of an awful storm; slow at first, then flooding. "Mimi, I love you. I know you know what I feel. That's something special about cats that human relationships never have. We can trust our emotions together." She had to pause to catch her breath. "I'll never forget you."</div>
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After a moment of silence, the rising and falling of the grey fur stopped and Mimi became very still.</div>
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Synthia sobbed, then leaned close to whisper into the pointed ears. "Goodbye, Kitten."</div>
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If you liked this story, please consider being a patron of mine so I can keep creating and improving and giving: <a href="http://www.patreon.com/dreamsenshi">http://www.patreon.com/dreamsenshi</a></div>
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Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-68627898340078501562013-05-21T18:27:00.001-07:002013-05-21T18:46:48.912-07:00Ear Infection Musical OMG-WAT<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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After my <a href="http://dreamsenshi.kittyisland.net/2013/05/just-do-it.html" target="_blank">previous post</a>, I had a lot of energy to really give everything my best! Last week, I worked out harder than I have in the past, practiced more piano, started really cracking down on my favorite piece, and even wrote up a list of songs I've worked on over the years and realized I have enough to make a CD!</div>
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On Tuesday, I felt a little dizzy, and kind of queasy. A lot, actually. But, I usually get sick when I start a new workout routine, so I told myself, "No! Just push through it!" Sadly, my symptoms got worse, until Friday when after a lot of blood and unbearable pain, I actually <i>begged</i> my husband to drag me away to the urgent care near to us, since it was the only place we could get an appointment right away (despite the hefty cost; ouch, crappy health insurance!) and it was almost immediately diagnosed as an ear infection, which I had also figured out by that point. I was prescribed antibiotics, and I went home somewhat relieved that, as the doctor said, "Your ear drum might pop, but it's okay because it will heal." =^00^= What a thing to say to someone who has just committed themselves more than ever to their music! AHHHHH!<br />
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It was my intention, at first, to push through the illness, but I couldn't hear. I kept falling over or feeling like I would throw up. For the first time ever, I had to miss belly dance class for a reason other than work! And, I was so worried that I wouldn't get my hearing back (and, more importantly, for things I heard to be back in tune and non-robotic) that I convinced myself that resting was the best thing. I still think that it was. I mean, even playing the piano physically <i>hurt</i>.<br />
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I still didn't want to lose time to make progress, though. I couldn't think to work on or upload stories, and I couldn't really practice music since it was literally painful, and making art . . . that takes a <i>lot</i> of focus for me. So, in my downtime, I decided to Google "aspiring songwriters" and see if I could find a guild to join like the cool <a href="http://www.ptg.org/" target="_blank">Piano Technician's Guild</a> or advice on how to proceed since I have a significant disadvantage at not being able to afford instruction (I need to save up $1400 just to get a computer that can record my songs on it) and am doing all of my work on my own at this point.<br />
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Well, you know how there's those people who really shouldn't research diseases online because they're paranoid and will assume that they have everything? That's basically me when it comes to music, apparently. Reading about the hundreds of types of <a href="http://www.bmi.com/" target="_blank">copyrights and enforcers</a>, various "constructive criticism guilds" that want lots of money to tell you things like "lyrics have to rhyme to be good" (<a href="http://www.toriamos.com/" target="_blank">NO! Some lyrics don't even need to make <i>sense</i> to be good!</a>), and seeing the horribly done websites for the groups that do exist out here (I'm not a great web designer myself, but I do have standards) was enough to make me feel like I was spiraling out of control. I started worrying that I can't do this alone, that maybe I'm even worse than I think that I am, or that I won't be able to handle the business end of my affairs if I <i>do</i> manage to make some money sharing what I love. Why does the song writing community suck so bad? Am I looking in the wrong place?<br />
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Honestly, I don't have the talent, knowledge, or equipment to make fantastic videos. And, I don't have the technical know-how of some musicians, furthermore handicapped by the lack of equipment at this point in time (although, I have what I need to <i>compose</i> the songs, so it's only a matter of time and practice... I will be READY when the computer arrives!). Then I reminded myself that the Beatles couldn't even read music and touched us the way that they did. "I can do this. Calm down." :}<br />
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Thankfully, everything is sounding more and more normal every day, and going through that insanity early on was better than doing it later, which surely would have generated <i>more</i> panic. :} And, I <i>did</i> manage to get some things done!<br />
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First, I've updated the blog surroundings to be more useful and generate revenue. The comments are now also open (EEK) so that more people can post comments without my having to mediate each one before it shows up. Admittedly, I just wanted to avoid negative posts that lacked anything constructive altogether, but this was keeping people from posting most <i>anything</i>. I actually do want advice and thoughts from people, though I'm not sure how much I can keep up with it working full time <i>and</i> trying to take care of a crazy house and working on this stuff, but I will do my best.<br />
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I also updated my <a href="http://www.youtube.com/dreamsenshi" target="_blank">YouTube account</a> in the hopes that I'll be able to make some videos in the future. I updated <a href="http://www.patreon.com/dreamsenshi" target="_blank">Patreon</a> so that you can now be a patron for my work and get rewards for it! Yay! To learn more about how it works, watch the cool video below.<br />
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Also, I set up my <a href="http://www.blurb.com/user/store/Dreamsenshi" target="_blank">Blurb</a> account; that will most likely be the first thing to get hits, since uploading my stories that I've already written will be relatively easier. You can support my stories at my <a href="http://www.patreon.com/dreamsenshi" target="_blank">Patreon</a> site too! :)</div>
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Higher registers still sound slightly out of tune in my hearing, and my cat Tatsu still sounds like a robot, but I'm making progress and am going to get back on the ball soon. More to come!! :) Even a crazy ear infection and scary things on the internet will not stop me! XD</div>
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Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-89528844720622061222013-05-08T17:43:00.000-07:002013-05-08T17:45:43.110-07:00Just DO IT!!When I was about 7 or maybe younger, I looked up to everyone to tell me what to do. I especially looked up to my creative elder brother, Michael, for advice on many things. Like any sibling would, though, he got tired of it. One day, I was pestering him with questions on how to do something, probably something music-related, and he simply turned me to me and said, "You just <i>do</i> it!" His advice, in retrospect, was <i>probably</i> more or less to get rid of me, or was out of wonderment that others could possibly not just know what to do since he himself was so humbly talented. Despite this, it's been some of the best advice I've ever gotten.<br />
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While many people sit and say, "I wish that . . ." I would wish, and then I would <i>do</i> what it took to make it happen. I believed in this philosophy passionately, and it has done pretty well by me! But, as I grew older and grew apart from people, especially after high school, I got discouraged. Was I really the person I thought I was? Was I as talented as everyone thought I was? Did I have the potential that everyone claimed? Or, were they just people with low self-esteem looking at me as a big fish in a tiny fish bowl situation? I've been relatively alone, so I really don't know the answers to these questions. The only people in my life are those who wouldn't want to crush my spirits entirely, especially since someone can come out of not being so talented and make something amazing of themselves if they really, really work at it! I found myself waiting again for someone to give me permission to follow my dreams. I didn't have permission when I started them, but once I got it . . . it's like I forgot how to function without it.<br />
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Today, I am taking a stand! I am going to fight against the lack of time that comes with having to have a full time job that isn't my dream career (though I honestly do enjoy it!) just to pay the bills! I am challenging the problems of not having the perfect equipment to do what I want to do! And, I am solidly starting to set goals for composing music and writing stories. And possibly drawing up some art, but that's more of an on-a-whim sort of thing.<br />
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It's actually very horrifying for me! I haven't had lessons for a long time, so I'm working off of what I learned growing up and continuously on my own. I haven't had anyone beg me to sing since I was 17, and my voice has most definitely changed, so I'm not sure what the response will be. On the other hand, telling stories on the fly has been met with a lot of positive feedback, and it's not even the stories I really put some work into, so I feel pretty encouraged on that end! Mostly, I guess I have the fear that I have something that means everything to me that I want to share, and I know there will be people that hate it. I know there are people who hate it right now, and it hasn't even manifested yet. That's not really the problem. I'm afraid no one out there will get it. Not even afraid that I can't make enough money to support it, though it's a nice dream to be able to be supported by what you love to do; I'm just afraid that I'll put these things out into the world and they won't be good enough to mean anything to anybody besides my family and close friends. Maybe not even to them! D:<br />
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But, that's not a good enough reason not to try anymore. So, I am DOING THIS!<br />
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Of course, this has been in the works for a long time, actually. I've been studying books on music production, created an account on <a href="http://www.bandcamp.com/" target="_blank">bandcamp</a> this past autumn in preparation for finishing songs to put up, and just created a <a href="http://www.patreon.com/" target="_blank">Patreon </a>account. Now, I'm looking at creating a <a href="http://www.blurb.com/" target="_blank">Blurb </a>account for my stories. The reason I haven't told anyone that I've done this, though, is that I have nothing to show for it and I didn't want to be a disappointment if I lost the courage to follow through and post something. I was holding off to have a song ready first to unveil or something, but that doesn't feel right to me right now. I feel like this is the time to put this out there, so I am.<br />
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As of today, I've also started putting together a list of songs that I've had for forever or really love and recently composed that I could put onto a CD of 11 or 12 songs. To my surprise, I already have 9 songs. Actually, tons more, but I don't want to share the others right now. Or maybe ever. :p So, yeah! All of this magic is floating around in my head, and I just need to get it out somehow! So, that's something I'm going to try and do! And, I'm going to have to accept that it will probably never sound as perfect and magical as it does in my imagination, but I'm going to go for it and I'll probably have to post one song at a time as I go on Bandcamp and then eventually maybe a whole CD! That's my goal, really, because I feel like music deserves a nice lyric book, and I'd love for my lyric book to be like Ace of Base's lyric book for their CD, "The Bridge." This was my favorite CD booklet because it included notes about what inspired their songs. I love that depth of sharing! I've wished that every piece of music I've gotten since would include stuff like that, and I've yet to see it! I thought for sure it would become commonplace, but alas. Perhaps it costs too much to print that much? I don't know, but it's a goal and I'm going to my best to make it reality.<br />
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Okay. So, before I sweat through my t-shirt in nervousness posting about this goal, which makes it so much more real because other people are going to read about it, here are the links to my currently-empty sites, if you're interested in eventually supporting me. :)<br />
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<a href="http://www.patreon.com/dreamsenshi">http://www.patreon.com/dreamsenshi</a><br />
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<a href="http://dreamsenshi.bandcamp.com/">http://dreamsenshi.bandcamp.com</a><br />
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And, I haven't decided if I'm going to go ahead with Blurb yet. Does anyone have other recommendations for posting stories online similar to posting music on Bandcamp? Any recommendations are welcome!<br />
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Alright! Enough blogging! Time to start doing!<br />
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P.S. - My last blog about <a href="http://dreamsenshi.kittyisland.net/2013/04/belly-dancing-roshana-nofret.html" target="_blank">belly dancing and Roshana Nofret</a> has been updated with some photos one of my friends took when she came to see the performance. :) Enjoy! Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-9673836090113311122013-04-22T17:01:00.000-07:002013-05-08T17:05:32.792-07:00Belly Dancing - Roshana Nofret<br />
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I know I haven't posted in a very long time. I encountered several problems along the way, to be honest.<br />
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First, I felt discouraged. I had lost some very important friends to me toward the end of my blog, and I sat there going, "What am I writing this for? Does anyone even read it? Does it help anyone, or is it just junk on the internet, bogging down someone else's Google search?" I had wanted to reach out and be closer to people, but honestly . . . I got scared and retreated. Now, I'm trying to overcome that again. I'm still scared of being judged and writing crap, but I feel like if I start out going through the motions, then maybe I can create something good and nice for folks. And, I was recently inspired by <a href="http://www.amandapalmer.net/" target="_blank">Amanda Palmer</a> (when I say recently, I should say that she's been inspiring me ever since I discovered her shortly before my birthday in September! She and her <a href="http://www.neilgaiman.com/" target="_blank">husband</a>! So much love!!) to be more of myself and just get out there and make what my heart wants to make, even if it's not "perfect," and even if my childhood bus driver still would say I couldn't make money doing it . . . Why was I listening to a bus driver? :p No offense, bus drivers! We need and love you!! I'm just skeptical that that was his dream job, though he did seem pretty happy at the time.<br />
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Then, my husband and I also had less money to work with. I didn't realize how much our previously convenient financial situations really helped our creative lives! Baking food costs money! Taking classes costs money! Everything I wanted to do and blog about costs money. And then, we settled in our house (it's still so much in the works that I'm not eager to share photos. Sorry!), made enough that I could start belly dancing lessons while still paying down our debt on mandatory repairs to the house (sewer repair and replacing our furnace shortly before winter because the other one the house came with had suddenly died the day after we moved in). Now, we've paid off one credit card (wahoo!) and my husbie Terinati thinks that we can start being a tiny bit more flexible.<br />
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Finally, the most damaging problem was time. I was doing a new job, we've moved twice really since I've been blogging steadily, and between the commuting and the different type of work I was doing both at home and in the office, I had no time for blogging or doing much of anything. It was sleep, work, and sleep some more. Then, I started working from home! :D Commutes all gone, and easy access to my <i>own</i> computer during breaks. <br />
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So! No more excuses not to blog! . . . Except for my humility, I suppose. :}<br />
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I'm starting a lot of new things, and while it was easy to blog or talk about my achievements when I was younger (learning to bake in one's early twenties is not so strange, since I had just moved out on my own), I find it really hard to tell people, "Hey! I'm 31 and starting to really focus on composing music and dance," because it seems like adults (haha, I'm really more or less a cat!) are held to a different standard than younger people. :p Not allowed to wear as much sparkly and colorful clothes, not given the same kind of patience that children are given . . . Frankly, I don't understand why children are treated <i>so much</i> better than adults. I mean, they just grow up. We're all still people. Do you stop loving a kitten you adopted just because they got older? It's so bizarre! But, that seems to be the reality I'm in, so . . . be gentle. :} I'm going to share things with you, and I admit up front that I'm far from perfect. But, maybe because you will share my victories and failures with me, the times when I'm doing well will mean that much more to both of us. :)<br />
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That being said, here are some videos and pictures of belly dancing!! =^00^=<br />
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This was my second time ever performing belly dance-related stuff with <a href="http://www.gypsysbellydance.com/classes" target="_blank">Gypsy de Rose</a> (in this case, my first time with her higher-level group, <a href="http://www.gypsysbellydance.com/classes" target="_blank">Afet</a>). It was for the Roshana & Friends Nomadic Dance Concert on April 19th, 2013. We had high ambitions for being able to perform outside at Country Village in Bellevue, WA, but the rain just wasn't having it, so most of us were ushered inside. This resulted in the event being more crowded than planned as well, so I have to apologize because we didn't get video of all of the dancing, and many fabulous dancers (and a cute doggie too) were left out. Half the time, we couldn't see the dancing ourselves as I insisted upon standing in the back so that those who paid for admission had better seats or were standing in front of us. :( I also don't know the names of everyone since there was no pamphlet that listed all of the musicians and dancers (I suspect some were added after the signs were made.). But, I will update this as I discover more!<br />
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So, first, take a peek at the bandari dance that <a href="http://www.gypsysbellydance.com/classes" target="_blank">Afet</a> did together. <a href="http://www.tamalyndallal.com/" target="_blank">Tamalyn Dallal</a>, the owner of the <a href="http://www.zamaniculture.com/" target="_blank">Zamani Culture House</a> (and a fabulous dancer herself, of course!) created the choreography for us and taught Afet how to dance it only weeks before we were scheduled to perform! So, while there's room for improvement, I think we did pretty well!<br />
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Next up, <a href="http://www.shimmysisterkate.com/" target="_blank">Shimmy Sister Kate</a>! Love her amazing shimmies, plus her amazing expression . . . She had me at the Halloween Halfa with her vampire dance. Of course, every teacher at the Zamani Culture House has their own unique style and crazy flavor that blows me away! <br />
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This dance, if I remember correctly, roughly translates to "The Mirror Dance." I know that <a href="http://janellebelisle.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Janelle Bel Isle</a> is one of the lovely dancers in this trio, but I'm not sure who the others are! I will update if I find out.<br />
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And, last but not least, the featured artist of the event, <a href="http://www.roshananofret.com/" target="_blank">Roshana Nofret</a>! Watching her dance, to me, was like watching a magical doll come to life. I was fortunate enough to arrive at just the right time in the evening for volunteer work, before dancing started, and got to make <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jallab" target="_blank">jallab</a> with Roshana! :D Admittedly, I didn't recognize her (I'm horrible at faces, probably near aphasic) until I was already helping out for a few minutes, and then it was a pleasant surprise! Not the least bit of diva about her. :) She was sweet and patient, and she even made me forget how awkward <i>I</i> am, just by being in her presence. To me, that's like, something I imagine being true of fantasy princesses. I think there is nothing better than meeting someone wonderfully talented, plus obviously dedicated to the hard work that requires, and then discovering that they are sweet and kind as well. =^--^= Just another inspiration for my own future, though I have to find my own style, of course.<br />
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Sorry to say that I missed the names of the incredible musicians behind her, but if someone tells me who they are, I will update this ASAP!<br />
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Anyway, speaking of dancing, I believe that I've run out of my fleeting time after work to post this as we're to get together and practice! EEP! I hope you enjoy the videos, and perhaps some pictures will be forthcoming as well.<br />
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UPDATE ADDED: 5/8/13: More photos one of my friends took while she saw us performing of the various dancers at this fun event:</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivS2hjl-zV8leKAPmVzbwDw4gN6CrsFBHPghS-rHxdvYm6JP2iIAQsHP4F1Q8-sT0cT1vjHt15OsO_x0DCKi-SubKgnwLkHMYi6fVaV_1BRfctsS0gh4xCC5TRexhi_vbmneL5Btf5lVtw/s1600/Afet_01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivS2hjl-zV8leKAPmVzbwDw4gN6CrsFBHPghS-rHxdvYm6JP2iIAQsHP4F1Q8-sT0cT1vjHt15OsO_x0DCKi-SubKgnwLkHMYi6fVaV_1BRfctsS0gh4xCC5TRexhi_vbmneL5Btf5lVtw/s400/Afet_01.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Afet, dancing bandari.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSzLb8gbvgsW-yI5cSG8KQTHq4ImOtuBK4VPdwQAym3CeHXsINzd3g8XVIc8xJEZqBQhvpojuAZ_J6u25j8dTzLbGvJ6fopzuNWdJbAd3hpeaxMKq7IqYeCwHwmvxFzdupRa8IJ7ATE1eQ/s1600/Bella_Rosa_Troupe_01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSzLb8gbvgsW-yI5cSG8KQTHq4ImOtuBK4VPdwQAym3CeHXsINzd3g8XVIc8xJEZqBQhvpojuAZ_J6u25j8dTzLbGvJ6fopzuNWdJbAd3hpeaxMKq7IqYeCwHwmvxFzdupRa8IJ7ATE1eQ/s400/Bella_Rosa_Troupe_01.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bella Rosa Troupe</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3d9WlzI8LHJ0Vv09IMIICgr6mEbYkiGr6v3GNkN12vTAD2xF5qLgdfz4w-pMW5OmY__NMAwSDhUpNh-FkTWBUbFv3kBuA3lQo2SoHIiIiR5GiQvePtONaG1NsyGh-pVDR352GOBIhI3TC/s1600/Dahlia_Moon_01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3d9WlzI8LHJ0Vv09IMIICgr6mEbYkiGr6v3GNkN12vTAD2xF5qLgdfz4w-pMW5OmY__NMAwSDhUpNh-FkTWBUbFv3kBuA3lQo2SoHIiIiR5GiQvePtONaG1NsyGh-pVDR352GOBIhI3TC/s400/Dahlia_Moon_01.jpg" width="242" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dahlia Moon! Such an amazingly skilled dancer! Her precision always blows my mind. One of these days, I'm going to have to take one of her work shops. :)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYib3Wm-wXotat7b29m5UF6Mcba6IZXnNBBXixBZWOwVJcorjkAtLMfVu7pBUv-QaD161VvIW0KqDRWmwZfRoWVJjjehXhRXLRN33cGiRd_c_RPVcHoD5BMp1vORkrv4qXJpzSY6oxqQrf/s1600/Malia_01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYib3Wm-wXotat7b29m5UF6Mcba6IZXnNBBXixBZWOwVJcorjkAtLMfVu7pBUv-QaD161VvIW0KqDRWmwZfRoWVJjjehXhRXLRN33cGiRd_c_RPVcHoD5BMp1vORkrv4qXJpzSY6oxqQrf/s400/Malia_01.jpg" width="307" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Malia! Another sweet instructor at the Zamani Culture House.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiculwi71Rt1cSY56HPzT4Bt-AS91a3typalfHcH8h8aDSuzyNUQZMfZt53qhJ3NQ4zEFqY3jmQYTmJJzQRSQwPAYdIgpeODurAWtLh1vtiux9fGn-mL4KICITHGhZbFz8fOkWRumVadn5n/s1600/Musicians_01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiculwi71Rt1cSY56HPzT4Bt-AS91a3typalfHcH8h8aDSuzyNUQZMfZt53qhJ3NQ4zEFqY3jmQYTmJJzQRSQwPAYdIgpeODurAWtLh1vtiux9fGn-mL4KICITHGhZbFz8fOkWRumVadn5n/s400/Musicians_01.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The musicians who backed up Roshana Nofret. Love them! If anyone knows their names, let me know so that I can add them here. :)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOndkdIkomZAVootTmken6nEXd75KtKqb0AHmxpCWuTGHks5B5f3ZjQ0yFmZFR_sJxyTnZxbAP_aAKRXKGVsWUlmkB_sN8dUHm5LD_IprAP9HVSHcYCdxh5LBgcUxx4DzikyrDckJby3XA/s1600/Roshana_01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOndkdIkomZAVootTmken6nEXd75KtKqb0AHmxpCWuTGHks5B5f3ZjQ0yFmZFR_sJxyTnZxbAP_aAKRXKGVsWUlmkB_sN8dUHm5LD_IprAP9HVSHcYCdxh5LBgcUxx4DzikyrDckJby3XA/s400/Roshana_01.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And the lovely Roshana Nofret, of course! </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM3We1ggPIpgbxR2iq3UXMc9UQie07Xg9lokiTnMc2gM1zj6JVrv9IA18_QkW0MQkf7F6hjFHdH8O96AqiulaLeHWkpZdMb2RcpeNolZvfPPYbnUXdmPPVBtgIWQvQ27we8tXzIHghm5ev/s1600/Roshana_02.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM3We1ggPIpgbxR2iq3UXMc9UQie07Xg9lokiTnMc2gM1zj6JVrv9IA18_QkW0MQkf7F6hjFHdH8O96AqiulaLeHWkpZdMb2RcpeNolZvfPPYbnUXdmPPVBtgIWQvQ27we8tXzIHghm5ev/s320/Roshana_02.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">She made it all look so comfortable and easy! Magical, dancing doll, I tell you!! </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfPVDnijuqQw19p77k3BMR5rRQrxjY7u8DHp57F4BcOTQQ313aKet1ajKiUcvG82buc50nsaSf32hVQo8b_vLKNf8X_7V72aZdQC8zj1wwvth9iQbEfg6t5rQUFZpyCkBxTPcovKhCgF9F/s1600/Roxy_01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfPVDnijuqQw19p77k3BMR5rRQrxjY7u8DHp57F4BcOTQQ313aKet1ajKiUcvG82buc50nsaSf32hVQo8b_vLKNf8X_7V72aZdQC8zj1wwvth9iQbEfg6t5rQUFZpyCkBxTPcovKhCgF9F/s400/Roxy_01.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And Roxy, dancing with bowls on her head. I was so nervous for her, but she was amazing as always. :)</td></tr>
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<br />Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-4634786049536292982011-10-23T22:30:00.000-07:002011-10-23T22:30:05.613-07:00Kool Guy's SongSo, I had been hoping to write a blog sooner, but I felt earnestly about completing this one task first. I met a new friend on the <a href="http://sailormoonfc.webs.com/">Sailor Moon Fan Club website</a> whose screen name is Kool Guy. After sending a few e-mails back and forth, we discovered a mutual love for music, and he asked if I could help him compose a piano part for a song he'd started the melody to for Teacher's Day (he is in Vietnam). I haven't done a whole lot musically since composing the song for my wedding, but I've downloaded music software and always mean to, so I figured this would be a good opportunity to get myself back into it and help someone at the same time.<br />
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それで、私は(それまで)より早くブログを書くことを望んでいました、しかし私は、最初にこの1つのタスクを完了することについて、一生懸命に感じました。 私はそのスクリーンネームが Kool ガイである船乗りムーン・ファンクラブウェブサイトで新しい友人に会いました。 前後に少数の電子メールを送った後で、我々は音楽のために相互の恋人を見いだしました、そして彼は私が彼が Teacher の日(彼がベトナムにいる)の間(すでに)メロディーを始めていた歌のために彼がピアノ部分を作曲するのを手伝うことができたかどうか尋ねました。私の結婚式のために歌を作曲してから、私は音楽的にたくさん全体をしませんでした、しかし私は(すでに)音楽ソフトをダウンロードしていた、そして常にそうするために、それで私がこれが私自身をそれに戻して、そして同時に誰かに手を貸す良い機会であろうと思ったことを意味します。<br />
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I used MuseScore seriously for the first time (I had started another song in it, but it's far from finished). Thanks to all of their cool features, you can see it and listen to it right here in my blog! Keep in mind, I only composed the piano part and intentionally left some spaces feeling "empty" because there will be other instruments in the final production. I really hope that I will get to hear a recording of it when they perform it next month.<br />
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私は初めて深刻に MuseScore を使いました(私は(すでに)その中にもう1つの歌を始めていました、しかしそれは終了していることからほど遠いです)。 (彼・それ)らのすべての冷たい特徴のおかげで、あなたはそれを見て、そしてちょうどここ、私のブログでそれを聞くことができます! 心を残してください、私はただピアノ部分を書いて、そして、最終のプロダクションに他の楽器があるであろうから、意図的に若干のスペースが空に感じている状態にしておきました。 私は本当に、(彼・それ)らが来月それを行なうとき、私がそれの記録を聞くことができるであろうことを希望します。<br />
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<iframe frameborder="0" height="394" src="http://musescore.com/node/28665/embed" width="100%"></iframe><span><a href="http://musescore.com/dreamsenshi/kool-guys-song">Kool Guy's Song</a> by <a href="http://musescore.com/dreamsenshi">Dreamsenshi</a></span> <br />
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MuseScore is pretty neat for <strong><u><em>free</em></u></strong> music software, right?! Honestly, I want to blog about several cool things I've recently discovered online, but this has consumed most of my thoughts for the past month, so it definitely deserved its own blog.<br />
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MuseScore が無料の音楽ソフトのためにかなりきちんとしています、そうではありませんか?! 正直に言って、私は私が最近オンラインで発見したいくつかの冷たいことについてブログを作成することを望みます、しかしこれはこれまでの1カ月間私の考えの大部分を消費しました、それでそれは確かにそれ自身のブログに値しました。<br />
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The most incredible thing about this is how much I learned working on it. I learned that I tend to force myself to do things in a specific order when my mind actually works better in a seemingly random order. Once I stopped fighting that, the song practically composed itself. I do not know if it's really good or not, but I think it captures a playful and happy feeling, which seems to be what Kool Guy was going for, and I am happy that I stayed true to his melody.<br />
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これについての最も信じ難いことは私がそれに取り組んでいくらを学んだかです。 私は私が表面上任意のオーダーで私自身に、私の心がもっと良く実際に機能するとき、特定のオーダーの中のことをすることを強いる傾向があることを知りました。 私がそれに関して戦うのをやめた途端に、歌はほとんどそれ自身を構成しました。 私はそれが本当に良いかどうか知りません、しかし私はそれが Kool ガイが(そのために)行っていたことであるように思われる冗談の、そしてうれしい感覚を捕えると思います。 私は私が彼のメロディーに忠実な状態でいたことがうれしいです。<br />
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I know that I have a lot to learn when it comes to music (probably always will), but this was an encouraging experience. Perhaps I can push myself to finish more of my own songs to share, though I may never be as cool of an online presence as others on YouTube who do it as their primary thing. Still, it's fulfilling. Most of all, working on music <em>with</em> someone else has been something I've sorely missed. So, thanks for letting me be a part of your process, Kool Guy!! :) I hope you will enjoy it, too.<br />
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私は私が音楽(おそらく常に意志)の話になると学ぶべき多くを持つことを知っています、しかしこれは奨励の経験でした。 多分、私が決して(彼・それ)らの主要なこととしてそれをするユーチューブに関する他の人たちと同じぐらいクールなオンラインプレゼンスではないかもしれないけれども、私は私自身を共有するべきいっそう私自身の歌を終えるよう駆り立てることができます。 まだ、それは満足がいきます。 すべての中で最も、ほかの誰かと一緒に音楽に取り組むことは(今まで)私がひどくミスした何かでした。 それで、私にあなたのプロセスの一部であるようにしてくださって、ありがとうございます、 Kool ガイ!! :) 私はあなたが同じくそれを楽しむであろうことを希望します。Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-23431800521957010062011-10-02T00:36:00.000-07:002011-10-02T00:36:01.018-07:00Goals: The Past Me vs. Present Me(Translations into Japanese have been done by Babylon; I'm still trying to learn more Japanese, but if you know of a better translator, please let me know!)<br />
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(日本語の中への翻訳がバビロンによってされました;私はまだもっと日本語を学習しようとしています、しかしもしあなたがもっと良い翻訳者について知っているなら、どうか私に知らせてください!)<br />
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I've been wanting to post more regularly to my blog pretty much since the last time I'd posted. Many beautiful ideas have come and gone while I was mostly too busy between work and school and had too little money to spend on crafting as I have in the past. And then, school finally ended (with a 3.95 GPA for my BA in Psychology!). Everyone has been asking, "What will you do now?" And, the answer is . . . I don't know! :}<br />
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私は(今まで)私が(すでに)ポストしていた最後のときからおおかたいっそう規則的に私のブログにポストすることを望んでいました。 多くの美しい考えが来て、そして、私が仕事と学校でたいていあまりにも忙しかった間に、行きました。 私は同じく私が過去に通常ブログを作成するであろうに精巧な細工をすることに使うべきあまりにわずかしか金を持っていませんでした。 そしてそれから、最終的に終わらせられた学校と私得られた心理学の私のBAのための3.95のGPA! 皆が尋ねていました、「あなたは今何をするでしょうか?" そして、答えはそうです。 . . 私は知りません!<br />
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Anyone who has followed my blog in previous years will know that I set many goals because of my varied interests, and I really hate to not succeed in goals. Employers also ask about goals, wanting to know where you expect to be in five or even ten years. For a long while, I have been feeling like a failure because my life is pretty whimsical. The only goals which have remained the same for the duration of my life include the desire to have healthy and close family relationships and friendships, as well as to find true love. Those goals tend to propel my other goals, and I often feel guilty for that. I will work on music composition for a friend, but not really for myself. I will give my best at my job as long as I know someone else will have a better life with similar opportunities for happiness because of it. But when it comes to keeping a perfect home, increasing my level of talent in one area or another, or even trying to make tons of money . . . I have to say that I don't care as much as most people. I am pretty happy and am content to daydream and see beauty in the world and just live in it. In the back of my mind is this nagging voice that says I am not living my life properly, though, because I tend to make goals and then discard them very easily.<br />
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前の年に私のブログを追った誰かが私が私のさまざまな利害関係のために多くのゴールを設定する、そして私が本当にゴールで成功しないことが嫌いであることを知るでしょう。 雇用者が同じく、あなたがどこが5あるいは10年にさえあることを予想するか知ることを望んで、ゴールについて尋ねます。 長い間、私の生活がかなりこっけいであるから、私は(今まで)失敗のような感じがしていました。私の生活の期間中、同じままでいた唯一のゴールは真実の愛を見つけるために健康な、そして親密な家族関係と友情、を持つべき願望を含みます。 それらのゴールは私の他のゴールを推進させる傾向があります、そして私はそれのためにしばしば罪の意識を感じます。 私は、本当に私自身のためにではなく、友人のために音楽構成上で作業するでしょう。 私がほかの誰かがそれのために幸福の類似の機会でもっと良い生命を持っているであろうことを知る限り、私は私の仕事において最善をするでしょう。しかし完ぺきな家を保持して、1つのエリアあるいはもう1つの才能の私のレベルを増やすか、あるいは大金をもうけようとしさえする話になると。 . . 私はたいていの人々と同じぐらいあまり私はかまわないと言わなければなりません。 私はかなり幸せであって、そして空想にふけって、そして世界中で美しさを見て、そしてただそれに住んで満足しています。 私がゴールを取って、そして次に非常に容易に(彼・それ)らを捨てる傾向があるから、けれども、私が適切に私の生活を送っていないと言うこのしつこい発言が心の奥底です。<br />
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So, I turned to the internet and searched to find out the answer to the question which has been plaguing me: Is not having a goal really a bad thing? The answer that I found which best mirrored my feelings was one by Leo Babauta, who wrote a blog entry called "<a href="http://zenhabits.net/no-goal/">The Best Goal is No Goal</a>." What he said was so true! I've been <em>completely limited</em> by my goal-setting, not helped by it. Amazingly, once I let go I felt a kind of relief I haven't felt in a while. Here I had been worrying that people would look down at me as a failure for not going on to get a masters degree in psychology or possibly not even using my BA in psychology at all, but I had forgotten something really crucial about my growth process. Sometimes, in order for new growth, we have to cut away pieces of the past.<br />
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それで、私はインターネットの方に向いて、そして(今まで)私を悩ませていて:本当にゴールを持っていない質問への返事の外に良くないものを見いだすために探索しましたか? 私がどのベストが私の感情をコピーしたか見いだしたという答えは「最も良いゴールと呼ばれるブログエントリーがゴールではないと書いたレオ Babauta によっての(の・もの・人)でした。" 彼が言ったことはそれほど本当でした! 私は完全に、それによって助けられないで、私のゴール設定によって制限されました。驚異的に、私が放す途端に、私は私がしばらくの間感じなかった一種の安堵を感じました。 ここで私は(それまで)、心理学のマスター学位を手に入れることを続いてしなくて、あるいはまったくもしかすると心理学で私のBAを使いさえしないことに対して、人々が失敗として私に見下ろすであろうことを心配していました、しかし私は私の成長プロセスについて(すでに)本当に決定的な何かを忘れていました。 時々、順に新しい成長のために、我々は過去の作品が先になるまで切らなければなりません。<br />
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Honestly, letting go of things is probably my greatest weakness. At a young age, I lost a lot of people I cared about either due to illness, death, or because I had moved away and lost contact. Consequently, I clung to things that had sentimental value. I also had trouble getting people to believe that I am who I am, so I tended to collect "evidence." I had a reality check some years back when I started taking psychology courses where I recognized that there was no point trying to get someone to understand who I am, particularly if they've already made up their mind. I still liked to keep the proof, but it didn't actually <em>help</em>. So, I forced myself to get rid of it. And, because my husband hates clutter, I tossed out a lot of old things which I've liked for a long time because I simply don't use them. Every day stuff to some people, but a really hard task for me. But, both things were very liberating! More space, and finally being able to let go of relationships which were bad for me. If you assume I'm something I'm not and show no interest in trying to get to know the real me, I'll just pretend you don't exist . . . because that's essentially what you're doing to me. Freedom! Without all of that, there's so much room to think about other things, to become a new person . . . to create new goals!<br />
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正直に言って、ものを手放すことはおそらく私の最も大きい弱点です。 若い年齢において、私は死の病気のためにあるいは私が(すでに)去って、そして連絡を失っていたから私が気にかけた多くの人々を失いました。 従って、私は心情的価値を持っていたことに執着しました。 私は同じく人々に私がありのままの私であると信じるようにさせるのにてこずりました、それで私は集金する傾向があった「証拠." 私が、特にもし(彼・それ)らがすでに(彼・それ)らの心を決めたなら、私が誰かに私が誰であるか理解するようにさせようとしてポイントがなかったことを認識した心理学コースをとり始めたそのころ、私は数年真実性分析を持っていました。 私はまだ証明を保持することを好みました、しかしそれは実際に助けになりませんでした。 それで、私は私自身にそれを取り除くことを強いました。 そして、私の夫が取り散らかしが嫌いであるから、私がただ(彼・それ)らを使わないから、私は私が長い間好きであった多くの古いものを捨てました。私のための本当に厳しいタスク以外のすべての若干の人々への日。 けれども、両方のことが非常に心を解き放ちました! もっと多くのスペース、そして最終的に私にとって良くなかった関係を振り切ることが可能であること。 もしあなたが私が私がそうである何かであって、そしてレアル私を知るようになろうとすることに対しての興味を示さないと想定するなら、私はただあなたが存在しないというふりをするでしょう。 . . なぜならそれは本質的にあなたが私にしていることですから。 自由! それのすべてなしで、本当に他のことについて考えて、新しい人になる余地があります。 . . 新しいゴールを作るために!<br />
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Right after Terinati and I moved, I was a very different person from who I am today, and that was only a little over a year ago. I have learned so much about myself and know that it is time to let old goals die, and possibly let go of the notion of needing to set goals in order make accomplishments in life. It is time to make way for the <em>new</em> me! And, more importantly, it is time to stop telling myself things like, "Don't play video games; that's a waste of time," or "You can't relax now. You haven't made the entire house spotless!" I am <em>never</em> going to be perfect, nor do I want to be. I actually enjoy flaws; they make everyone funny, unpredictable, and interesting. I have seen seemingly perfect houses before, and I have seen people who have great success in one particular field. I always think that there's probably some trade-off there; nothing is free. So, all we can do is ask ourselves if the story of our lives, as we would tell it today, would make us happy. And, if it doesn't, it's time to take an adventure and modify it!<br />
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Terinati と私が動いたすぐ後に、私は今日の私からの非常に異なった人でした、そしてそれは1年前にただ少し終わりました。 私は私自身についてそれほど多くを知って、そして古いゴールを死なせて、そしてもしかすると順にゴールを設定する必要があることについての概念の碁を人生で成績を作らせる時間であることを知っています。 新しい私のために道をあける時間です!そして、もっと重要なことに、それは私自身にことを話すのをやめるべき時間、「ビデオゲーム;すなわち、時間の浪費をプレーしないでください」、です、あるいは「あなた ca は今リラックスしません。 あなたは家全体を汚れがなくしませんでした!" 私は決して完ぺきにするつもりではありません、同様に私はそうであることを望みません。 私は実際に傷を楽しみます;(彼・それ)らは皆を面白くて、気まぐれで、そして面白くします。 私は前に表面上完ぺきな家を見ました、そして私は1つの特定のフィールドの中に大きい成功を遂げる人々を見ました。私は常にそこにおそらくいずれかのトレードオフがあると思います;何も無料ではありません。 それで、我々がすることができるすべては我々自身に我々の生活の物語が、我々が今日それを話すであろう(とき・から・につれて・ように)、我々を幸せにするであろうかどうか尋ねることです。 そして、もしそれがそうしないなら、冒険をして、そしてそれを修正する時間です!<br />
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So, that's the way I think I will be living my life (and writing my blog) from now on. Hopefully, that means I can write more, though I don't know how interesting it will be. At the very least, I hope it will help someone going through the same or similar things. And, I don't want to underplay the importance of goals; some people need to set goals and the process can be very important for them, but like all things, it does not work for everyone in all phases of life. For me right now, I'm just going to live. =^--^=<br />
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それで、それは今から私が私が私の生活を送って(そして私のブログを書いて)いるであろうと思う方法です。 望むらくは、それは、私がそれがどれぐらい面白いであろうか知らないけれども、私がさらに多くを書くことができることを意味します。 少なくとも、私は同じことあるいは類似のことを体験することは誰かに手を貸すであろうことを希望します。 そして、私はゴールの重要性を控え目に演じることを望みません;若干の人々がゴールを設定する必要があります、そしてプロセスは(彼・それ)らのために非常に重要であり得ます、しかしすべてのもののように、それは生活のすべての段階に皆のために働くわけではありません。 =^--^=<br />
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P.S. - I finally have a new camera, so hopefully that means I will be have more interesting blogs because I can share the cool footage! Hooray! :)<br />
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P.S. - 私が冷たいフィート数を共有することができるから、私がであろう手段がいっそう面白いブログを持っているほど希望を抱いて、私は最終的に新しいカメラを持っています! やった! :)Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-75089292351156093112011-01-18T19:36:00.000-08:002011-01-18T19:36:57.433-08:00Right in the Face!I don't even remember how it started. It was probably some video game quote or in some movie, but whenever something is particularly difficult or annoying now, I tend to say, "RIGHT IN YOUR FACE!" at it. This is a shortened version of, "I'll stab you . . . RIGHT IN YOUR FACE!" or "That zombie got me . . . RIGHT IN THE FACE!" or, "I love you . . . RIGHT IN THE FACE!" Of course, this is always followed by Terinati's and my laughter because it is obviously ridiculous for all forms of attacks, be it verbal, physical, or psychological, to be targeted right in the face. Well, this week got me . . . right in the face! :} "Right in the face?" "Yes, right in the face!"<br />
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My 10-minute goal plan was an epic failure, not for a lack of effort, but because of a lack of time. Since we're strapped for money and I really believe in my company's cause (it is a not-for-profit organization with the goal of helping to provide insurance to those who can not otherwise afford it), whenever they offer overtime to help reach a goal, I gladly accept. So, this week I worked 9 hours of overtime on top of my full time schedule, and then my new online course, "Diversity," started this week. That meant I had three assignments due, tons of reading to get rolling on, and very little time to do it since I leave for work at 6:20am and was getting home at around 9pm nearly every day this week. With only 4 hours of sleep a night, it wasn't practical to try and squeeze in a little more. :/ I'm hoping this week will go a bit better.<br />
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So, nothing exciting to report . . . just life, right in my face. But, I think that happens to all of us, and I'm glad that I can laugh at it. I will not give up on my goals, though!<br />
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Translated by Yahoo Babelfish:<br />
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私はそれがいかに始まったか覚えていない。 それはおそらく映画のビデオゲームの引用またはでありが、何かがである時はいつでも今特に困難または悩む、私は"言いがちである; あなたの表面で右! " それ。 これは短くされた版の、"である; 私はあなたの表面で右の…刺す! " または" そのゾンビは私を…表面で右に得た! " または、" 私は表面で右の…愛する! " 当然、これはTerinati'に常に先行している; 、ことばによる、物理的かまたは心理ならばのでsおよび私の笑い声、攻撃のすべての形態のために明らかにばかばかしい表面で目標とされるため正しく。 それで、この週は私を…表面で右に得た! " 表面で右か。" " はい、正しく表面で! " :}<br />
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私の10分の目的の計画は努力の、しかし時間不足のために欠乏のための叙事詩の失敗、ないだった。 私達がお金のためにおよび紐で縛られるので私は私のcompany'を実際に信じる; sの原因(それはそれらが目的に達するのを助けることを時間外で提供する時はいつでも提供を助力の目的の非営利の組織別の方法でそれをできることができな い人に保険のである)、私は喜んで受け入れる。 従って次に、この週私は私のフルタイムスケジュールの上に時間外労働の9時間、および私の新しいオンラインコース、"を働かせた; 多様性、" この週始まった。 それは私が6:20 AMで仕事のために去るあり、9pm頃家にほぼ毎日にこの週を得ていたことをのでそれをする私が、始まる読むことのトン当然の3つの割り当ておよび少しだ け時間が意味した。 夜、それは睡眠の4時間だけによってやや試み、絞るために実用的多くでではなかった。 私はこの週がビットよりよく行くことを望んでいる。<br />
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従って、…ちょうど生命、私の表面の権利を報告するために刺激する何も。 しかし、私達皆に私がそれを嘲笑してもいいこと起こる、嬉しい私は考え。 私は私の目的をあきらめない!Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-79230267806411127772011-01-09T13:43:00.010-08:002011-01-09T14:21:55.576-08:0010-Minute Goals and Something RandomI never plan on making New Year's resolutions; if I have a goal, I try to tackle it immediately, although I do like the idea of traditions like these. However, since <a href="http://twitter.com/fritzy">Fritzy</a> got me <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Pragmatic-Programmer-Journeyman-Master/dp/020161622X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1294609526&sr=8-1">The Pragmatic Programmer</a> and I started actually reading it right away, I felt inspired by its idea that we should try to do a little every day to increase our knowledge. I've set these kinds of goals in the past; practice an hour of piano a day, exercise for 30 minutes a day, etc. However, my problem recently is that I have so many goals and although I've tried to force myself to choose between them, many are complimentary (although not in obvious ways) such that I can't bring myself to give any up. I can't do everything for at least 30 minutes a day (piano, guitar, studying music software, studying coding software, school assignments, school reading, learning Spanish, learning Japanese, and so on.) and still remain sane or have free time, which I've also recently come to accept is critical for my well-being. If I'm supposed to make time to play and relax with my family, I need a balance!<br /><br />And it was when I considered this that I recalled my first real big success: weight loss. My first ten pounds were lost exercising just ten minutes a day using Wii Fit. Not hard exercise, just determination to make a little bit of time for it was enough. I have since gained back some weight, though I'm actually pretty happy about that (I thought I was getting too thin, so I am trying to balance it all out now and tone more), but that set a good, easy-to-follow habit for me. 10-Minute Goals! Could this work with other things? So, rather than piling more work upon myself than I could possibly accomplish and burning out, I am going to try it! A little bit of everything for ten minutes each day could help me to reach my goals! So far for this week, I think I'm doing pretty well!<br /><br />There was one more problem, though. It's discouraging to work on things and not have anything to show for it. Perhaps I have become spoiled by being able to obtain trophies for the smallest of accomplishments on the PS3, but with Terinati rarely home and the cats' weird looks, I decided I needed something more to show for my hard effort. So, I got onto <a href="http://www.43things.com/">43 Things</a> and started adding goals! On this website, you can cheer on others who are working on their goals and be cheered on yourself. You'll notice that I have added two widgets at the bottom of my blog for goals I have added and goals I have accomplished as well. 43 Things also connects to Facebook. My goals are a little more official!<br /><br />On the other hand, I feel like my blogs are too serious to reflect my true spirit, so here is something random!<br /><br />For Christmas, we had my brother-in-law and his wife come over to share our holiday dinner. When they came, they brought us a box full of things they thought we may like and be able to make use of. Clayton, who has great mechanical ability, works basically as a technician for extremely fancy and complicated coffee machines. As such, he often gets free gifts which include some of the following:<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">Tiny tea/coffee cups...<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNfOxwPfLu4IZbu7l2MYyP9flefxafoR3MX2mRTLAb3KJ7MsZd5o75uFT391zuGzBrDsxCEidxdIsnPyPAipOqv4WRB0mqNT3dF7FimLs8-L8xzBVQWWTT7YAJ4PYO1ti0jHpWNLeISHMW/s1600/IMG00128-20110108-1512.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNfOxwPfLu4IZbu7l2MYyP9flefxafoR3MX2mRTLAb3KJ7MsZd5o75uFT391zuGzBrDsxCEidxdIsnPyPAipOqv4WRB0mqNT3dF7FimLs8-L8xzBVQWWTT7YAJ4PYO1ti0jHpWNLeISHMW/s320/IMG00128-20110108-1512.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5560311637195147042" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Even tinier spoons!<br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMamcKmheUn8LSezb2jdC5Sg586130MPdS90zw7MRezXSzZnKxcO8TTD7Dr3iLJ6eXNrtDDpKhxJqdRXXojg0L_xqc-ktGwDQH2ZI-1gUFc2QoymAXQxHfhwD-8tZC6mUdm3gOIj0w6cSe/s1600/IMG00130-20110108-1512.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMamcKmheUn8LSezb2jdC5Sg586130MPdS90zw7MRezXSzZnKxcO8TTD7Dr3iLJ6eXNrtDDpKhxJqdRXXojg0L_xqc-ktGwDQH2ZI-1gUFc2QoymAXQxHfhwD-8tZC6mUdm3gOIj0w6cSe/s320/IMG00130-20110108-1512.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5560311893346138930" border="0" /></a><br /></div>The intended use of these objects are pretty obvious, but Terinati and I don't drink coffee and although I do love tea, I don't drink it too often. The cups are too small for our more common drinks, such as hot chocolate and hot apple cider, though I do plan on keeping them with the daydream in mind of having a cute tea party with girlfriends who come to visit. But how to make use of these in the meantime . . . ?<br /><br />So, I came up with a few ideas!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0ShiNhl04mpFILXHVOPq671DpRQVahoTpnNJIykhprmvLBY0aRLz20uXeY5SHZUw4tFDV_3SUhPX_T2xfptwWlj27B6Sa8VOgg15CMYbQnJ-gdldROvdEpu_aeVEE8SSMYrFB4eBDVMTT/s1600/IMG00131-20110108-1513.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0ShiNhl04mpFILXHVOPq671DpRQVahoTpnNJIykhprmvLBY0aRLz20uXeY5SHZUw4tFDV_3SUhPX_T2xfptwWlj27B6Sa8VOgg15CMYbQnJ-gdldROvdEpu_aeVEE8SSMYrFB4eBDVMTT/s320/IMG00131-20110108-1513.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5560312927613333442" border="0" /></a></div><br />First of all, I was pleased to find that the tiny spoons were actually just the right size for my tiny mugs! I had bought these mugs back when I was first moving out on my own into a studio apartment. The space was incredibly small, as was the stove. I had the tiniest little kettle and tiny mugs to go with it. The cashier at the Walmart I purchased them from actually teased me that these would be perfect for a "spot" of tea. Ha ha. The only problem was that my spoons were too big, and if you left them in the mug they actually had enough weight to knock the mugs over. Never will this be a problem again! ;)<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR1qfHZ2_8Ks9v-bPX06UlxzVOzZH9yQq04N7u3-wmk8iF85qW8xW-FjNspoMI4d7_2sO8vUb7DsUmYWAybwrEbYuzm_j-itbuno9sINc2AekjbVa2rHvY0cKkTc2MTw5FCSWHl3m3WEm6/s1600/IMG00132-20110108-1513.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR1qfHZ2_8Ks9v-bPX06UlxzVOzZH9yQq04N7u3-wmk8iF85qW8xW-FjNspoMI4d7_2sO8vUb7DsUmYWAybwrEbYuzm_j-itbuno9sINc2AekjbVa2rHvY0cKkTc2MTw5FCSWHl3m3WEm6/s320/IMG00132-20110108-1513.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5560313801433377666" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Then, I was making hot dogs later in the week and went to grab a knife or a spoon to dish out condiments with. I saw the tiny spoons and suddenly had an idea! Rather than wasting a big piece of silverware to get out a tiny bit of condiments, I now had a tinier tool that was just the right size for scooping them out. :D Thanks, Clayton! It may not be the classy use it was intended for, but it works perfectly!<br /><br />So, if you had a ton of tiny spoons, what uses would <span style="font-style: italic;">you</span> find for them?<br /></div></div><br /><br />Translated by Yahoo Babelfish:<br /><br />私は新年の決断で決して計画しない; 目的を有すれば、私は私がこれらのような伝統の考えを好むがそれにすぐに取り組むことを試みる。 但し、"が<a href="http://66.196.80.202/babelfish/translate_url_content?.intl=us&lp=en_ja&trurl=http%3A%2F%2Ftwitter.com%2Ffritzy">Fritzy</a>によってが私に見つけてあげたので; <a href="http://babelfish.yahoo.com/translate_url?doit=done&tt=url&intl=1&fr=bf-res&trurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FPragmatic-Programmer-Journeyman-Master%2Fdp%2F020161622X%2Fref%3Dsr_1_1%3Fie%3DUTF8%26qid%3D1294609526%26sr%3D8-1&lp=en_ja&btnTrUrl=Translate">実用的なProgrammer"</a> そして私は実際に私感じた少し毎日をするように私達の知識を高めるために私達が試みるべきである考えによって促されてそれをすぐに読み始めた。 私はこれらの種類の以前目的を置いた; 30分の日日ピアノの1時間を、練習、等練習しなさい。 但し、私の問題は最近私が自分自身をあきらめるために連れて来ることができないこと私が自分自身をそのの間で選ばせる試みたが私にそう多くの目的および、 多数がである無料(がない明らかな方法で)そのような物あることである。 私は、コーディングソフトウェア、学校割り当て、学校の読書を調査し、日本語を学ぶスペイン語を等学ぶ。調査する)少なくとも30分の間日(ピアノ、ギ ターすべてを音楽ソフトウェアをすることができし、まだ健全に残らなかったり私がまた最近受け入れることをである私の福利のために重大来てしまったフリー タイムを過さない。 私の家族と遊び、緩む時間を作るために仮定されれば私はバランスを必要とする!<br /><br />そしてそれは私は私の最初実質の大きい成功をリコールしたこと私がこれを考慮したときだった: 減量。 Wii適合を使用してちょうど10分に運動させる一日私の最初10ポンドは失われた。 犠牲、それのほんの僅か時間を作るちょうど決定の堅くない練習そしてトンは十分だった。 私はその後私がそれのすべて今バランスをとりには、多くにある調子を与えることを余りにも薄く、従って私が試みているなっていたことを私が実際にそのにつ いてかなり幸せ(Iは考えた)であるが、そのセットはよいの、私のための習慣に容易に続くけれども、重量を得た。 10分の目的! 他の事をこの使用はできたか。 従って、私はよりより多くの仕事を自分自身に積んでよりもむしろ多分達成でき、燃え尽きて、それを試みようと思っている! 10分の間ほんの僅かすべては毎日私が私の目的に達するのを助けることができる! これまではこの週の間、私は私がかなりよくしていることを考える!<br /><br />1つのより多くの問題が、しかしあった。 それは事で動作し、それのために示すことを何も持たないためにがっかりさせる。 多分私はPS3の、Terinatiのまれに得られるによってだめになられるように家およびcats'の業積の最も小さいののためのトロフィをならなかっ た; 懐疑的な一見、私は私の堅い努力のために示すことを何かもっと必要とされたIを決定した。 従って、私は"に得た; <a href="http://www.43things.com/">43 Things"</a> そして目的を加え始められる! このウェブサイトで、彼らの目的に元気づけ取り組んでいる、あなた自身でことができる他の人で元気づける。 私が私が加えた私がまた達成した目的気づき、目的のための私のブログの底で2つの仕掛を加えたことに。 43の事はまたFacebookに接続する。 私の目的はやや公式である!<br /><br />クリスマスのために、私達に私の義理の兄弟がい、彼の妻は私達の休日の夕食を共有することをやって来る。 それらが来たときに、私達に事の箱を私達は利用好み、できるかもしれないことを考えた十分に持って来た。 大きい機械能力があるClaytonは非常に豪華で、複雑なコーヒー機械のための技術者として基本的に働く。 したがって、彼は頻繁に次のいくつかを含んでいる自由なギフトを得る:<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">小さい茶またはコーヒーカップ…<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNfOxwPfLu4IZbu7l2MYyP9flefxafoR3MX2mRTLAb3KJ7MsZd5o75uFT391zuGzBrDsxCEidxdIsnPyPAipOqv4WRB0mqNT3dF7FimLs8-L8xzBVQWWTT7YAJ4PYO1ti0jHpWNLeISHMW/s1600/IMG00128-20110108-1512.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNfOxwPfLu4IZbu7l2MYyP9flefxafoR3MX2mRTLAb3KJ7MsZd5o75uFT391zuGzBrDsxCEidxdIsnPyPAipOqv4WRB0mqNT3dF7FimLs8-L8xzBVQWWTT7YAJ4PYO1ti0jHpWNLeISHMW/s320/IMG00128-20110108-1512.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5560311637195147042" border="0" /></a><br />より小さいスプーン!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMamcKmheUn8LSezb2jdC5Sg586130MPdS90zw7MRezXSzZnKxcO8TTD7Dr3iLJ6eXNrtDDpKhxJqdRXXojg0L_xqc-ktGwDQH2ZI-1gUFc2QoymAXQxHfhwD-8tZC6mUdm3gOIj0w6cSe/s1600/IMG00130-20110108-1512.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMamcKmheUn8LSezb2jdC5Sg586130MPdS90zw7MRezXSzZnKxcO8TTD7Dr3iLJ6eXNrtDDpKhxJqdRXXojg0L_xqc-ktGwDQH2ZI-1gUFc2QoymAXQxHfhwD-8tZC6mUdm3gOIj0w6cSe/s320/IMG00130-20110108-1512.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5560311893346138930" border="0" /></a><br />これらの目的の意図されていた使用はかなり明らかであるが、Terinatiおよび私はコーヒーおよび頻繁に私が茶を愛するが、私を飲まないそれを余りに 飲まない。 コップは訪問するには私が来るガールフレンドが付いているかわいいお茶会を持っていることの空想とのそれらに留意することで計画するけれども、私達の共通 の飲み物のために余りにも小さい、ココアおよび熱いアップルサイダーのような。 しかしこれらを一方で利用する方法を…か。<br /><br />従って、私は少数の考えを思い付いた!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0ShiNhl04mpFILXHVOPq671DpRQVahoTpnNJIykhprmvLBY0aRLz20uXeY5SHZUw4tFDV_3SUhPX_T2xfptwWlj27B6Sa8VOgg15CMYbQnJ-gdldROvdEpu_aeVEE8SSMYrFB4eBDVMTT/s1600/IMG00131-20110108-1513.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0ShiNhl04mpFILXHVOPq671DpRQVahoTpnNJIykhprmvLBY0aRLz20uXeY5SHZUw4tFDV_3SUhPX_T2xfptwWlj27B6Sa8VOgg15CMYbQnJ-gdldROvdEpu_aeVEE8SSMYrFB4eBDVMTT/s320/IMG00131-20110108-1513.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5560312927613333442" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: left;">まず、私は小さいスプーンが実際に私の小さいマグのためのちょうど右のサイズだったことが分るために喜んだ! 私は私がワンルームアパートに自分自身で最初移動である前にこれらのマグを買い戻した。 スペースはストーブがあったように、非常に小さかった。 私に最も小さく小さいやかんおよび小さいマグがそれと合うべきあった。 ウォールマートのキャッシャー私はこれらが茶の点のために完全であること実際に私悩まされるからのそれらを購入した。 Ha ha。 唯一の問題はマグにそれらを残したら私のスプーンが余りに大きかった、実際にマグをたたく十分な重量を有したことであり。 決してこれは再度問題ではない! ;)<br /><br />それから、私はホットドッグを週の後半に作って、ナイフか香辛料をとの分配するためにスプーンをつかむことを行った。 私は小さいスプーンを見、突然考えを有した! ほんの僅か香辛料を出すために銀器の大きい部分を無駄にしてよりもむしろ私に今それらをすくうためのちょうど右のサイズだったより小さい用具があった。 :D ありがとう、Clayton! それがのために意図されていた、完全に働く上品な使用である!<br /><br />従って小さいスプーンのトンを有したら、どんな使用をそれらのために見つけるか。<br /></div></div></div></div>Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-6062217973688939372011-01-01T11:08:00.001-08:002011-01-01T11:27:24.809-08:00New Year, New Life<div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;">This weekend has been a perfect example of why it’s been hard for me to blog on a regular basis . . . well, beside the fact that our camera died and I am unsatisfied with the picture and video quality from our little cell phones. :} Terinati works most weekends, so the few hours that we have together are spent making the most of them by sharing our meals and playing games that we can only play together. I had Friday off of work because the office is closed for the New Year Holiday, but I woke up sick and by noon could barely think straight; I ended up sleeping most of the afternoon until Terinati came home from work, and this is a sickness has been flaring up on almost every weekend! Thankfully, I’m off of class for a little while and have some breathing room where I don’t need to do homework on the weekend for a change! But, I’m still putting in a full 8 hours of work on Sunday for overtime in order to not only help the public, but also because we’re pretty much just getting by right now with both of us going to school and both of us trying to work. Case in point, this is my third attempt at getting this blog written. :}</span><br /><br /><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial">It’s been crazy busy.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Since I got my first temporary job back in July, I had to drive to other cities to take advantage of work opportunities, some so far away that I had to stay in hotels and miss Terinati and the kitties for several days.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Then, in September, I got a job closer to home but had class and lots of overtime work, and a severe cut in pay ($4.50 less an hour).<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Sure, I could force myself to blog, but I found there to be little to say other than the same old thing: tons of overtime, tons of school, need to sleep now.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>:}<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Crafting of food and other items has also come to a halt because we simply can’t afford most of the ingredients or equipment needed for new recipes.</span></p> <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial">However, as the New Year has arrived and we celebrated bringing in 2011 this morning, I feel so grateful for so many things that I would be remiss in blogging about them!</span></p> <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial">First of all, hooray to making it out of the most toxic place I have ever lived.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Yes, we met several dear and awesome friends out on the east coast, but . . . nothing in this world could ever make me move back there.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Never have I been around so many heartless people in my entire life (the most common complaints co-workers made at work was about other people at work or their own families).<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I don’t miss it (although we do miss our friends), and I think I can speak for all of us in our home when I say we feel a million times better since the move (the cats are much more peaceful and content than they were).<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Not only that, but the cost of living is much cheaper out here and we actually managed to find work, which wasn’t happening out there.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Hooray!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>And, of course, we’re closer to family and other friends . . . so the rest of you should move out here and join us.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>;)<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></span></p> <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial">Speaking of family, I got to spend time with my father and step-mom for the first time in nearly a decade outside of the wedding, which was great!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>It’s so wonderful to spend time with them and get to reach out to them on the phone because we are in the same time zone again.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Hopefully, when we’re back on our feet financially, I will get to spend more time with Terinati’s family, too.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Although, we are now living near his brother and his wife, so we do at least get to see them.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></span><span style="font-family:Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family:Arial;mso-hansi-font-family:Arial;mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;mso-char-type:symbol;mso-symbol-font-family:Wingdings"><span style="mso-char-type:symbol;mso-symbol-font-family:Wingdings">:)</span></span><span style="font-family:Arial"></span></p> <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial">On that note, my brother also lives nearby and gave us a surprise visit, which was awesome!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I felt bad that I had no gifts for him this year, but being able to spend time with him was really and truly special.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I’m looking forward to keeping in touch with him and perhaps finally getting to see him perform with his band!</span></p> <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial">Familial and friendship blessings abound.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I am eager to get our financial situation in order so that we can really reconnect with our friends from out here, but I have so much to thank everyone for despite our lack of being able to reach out that it can’t be held within this simple blog; it’d be far too long.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Even though it’s sad when friendships don’t work out, I’m glad to have shed the negative people who just wanted to see bad things in me no matter what I did.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I wasted so much time trying to prove my devotion to them, and now that they’re gone I feel free to give my love to those who have always been there for me and truly deserve it: the friends who believe in me and understand that I’m not perfect but that I’m trying my best.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>That’s all we can each do, right?<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>So, thank you to everyone, especially Fritzy, who sent me a book to support my programming creativity even though I haven’t made much of my few skills yet.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>:}<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>It’s nice to have friends who believe that you’re capable so long as you’re trying, and that kind of support is something that I’ve been missing.</span></p> <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial">So, going into the New Year, we may be poor, but we’re both working and doing our best.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>We don’t have a lot, but I feel like we’re blessed beyond reason.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>So much love fills our happy home that even with the struggles and losses we’ve faced in the past year, it’s impossible to go in to 2011 without a smile on my face.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I feel that at my work I’m making a real difference in people’s lives, and my bosses appreciate what I contribute to our team.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>It may sound cheesy, but the love that is overflowing here . . . Well, sometimes I feel so lucky that I’m worried fate might strike us down for having too much.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>:o<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>We’ve worked hard for this, though.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Hopefully, I’ll be able to write more and share more of the wonderful changes that are going on, but in the meantime, I hope each of you has at least as wonderful of a New Year as we’re having here.</span></p> <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial">In your face, recession!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>:D</span></p> <br />Translated by Yahoo Babelfish:<br /><br />この週末はそれがずっとずっとブログに私のために堅い定期的に…よくなぜのか私達のカメラが死に、私が私達の小さい携帯電話からの映像およびビデオ質と不満足であるという事実の側の完全な例である。 :} Terinatiはほとんどの週末、そう殆んどを作っている私達が一緒に使われる私達の食事を共有し、だけ私達が一緒にしてもいいゲームをすることによっ て過す数時間を働かせる。 私はオフィスが新年の休日の間閉鎖しているが、私は病人を目覚め、正午によってやっとまっすぐに考えることができるので仕事の金曜日を過した; 私は午後の睡眠の上でほとんどTerinatiが仕事から家に帰った、これはずっとほとんどあらゆる週末に病気急に燃え上がっているであるまで終わり! 感謝して、私はクラス少しの間、私が変更のための宿題を週末にする必要はない一息入れる間を有する! 公衆、また私達が学校に行っている私達の両方とほとんどちょうど今得ているおよび働くことを試みている私達の両方しか助けないためにしかし、私はまだ時間 外労働のための日曜日に仕事の完全な8時間にので置くが。 、これ典型的な例はこのブログを書かれていて得ることに私の第3試みである。 :}<br /><br />それはずっと狂気の使用中である。 私が7月に私の最初臨時の仕事を取り戻したので仕事の機会私がホテルにとどまり、Terinatiおよびキティを数日間逃さなければならなかったほど、遠 方を利用するために、私は他の都市に運転しなければならなかった。 それから、9月に、私は家に近い方の仕事を得たが、時間外労働仕事のクラスおよび多く、および厳しい切口の支払(1時間$4.50より少なく)を有した。 本当に、私はブログに自分自身を強制できるが同じ古い事以外言うべき少しであるとそこに見つけた: 時間外労働のトン、学校のトン、今眠る必要性。 :} 食糧および他の項目の制作はまた私達が新しい調理法のために必要とされる原料か装置のほとんどを単にできることができないので停止した。<br /><br />但し、新年が着いた私達が2011年に今朝持って来ることを祝ったので、私は私がそれらことをについてのbloggingで不注意であることそう多くの事のためにとても感謝している感じ、!<br /><br />まず、それに最も有毒な場所からにhooray私はすること住んでいたあることが。 はい、私達は東海岸の何人かの親愛なるおよび驚くばかりの友人に会った、…この世界の何もそこに私に移動をすることができなかった。 決してのまわりであっている私の全体の生命に私従って多くの不人情な人々を持ってはいけない(仕事でなされた共通の不平の協力者は仕事に他の人々か彼らの 自身の家族についてあった)。 私はそれを(私達が私達の友人を逃すが)逃さないし、あったより)私達は移動以来百万倍よりよく感じることを私が言うとき私が私達の家の私達皆のために話 してもいいことを考える(猫ははるかに平和、満足である。 ただ、しかし生活費がここに大いにより安いこと私達は実際にそこに起こっていなかった仕事を見つけることをどうにかして。 Hooray! そして、当然、私達は家族および他の友人に近い方に…ある従ってあなたの残りはここに動き、私達を結合するべきである。 ;)<br /><br />家族について話して、私は大きかった結婚式の外のほぼ十年の私の父そしてステップお母さんとの時間をはじめて使うことを得た、! それは私達が同じ時間帯に再度いるので従ってすばらしいそれらとの時間を使い、電話のそれらに手を差し伸べることを得るためにある。 うまくいけば私達が私達のフィートに財政上もどって来るとき、私は余りにTerinatiの家族とのより多くの時間を使うことを得る。 、私達が彼の兄弟の近くに今および彼の妻、従って住んでいるが私達少なくともそれらを見ることを得なさい。 :)<br /><br />そのノートで、私の兄弟はまた近くに住み、私達に驚くばかりだった驚きの訪問を与えた、! 私は私に彼のためのギフトが今年なかったが、彼との時間を使えるスペシャル実際にそして偽りなくあったこと悪い状態を感じた。 私は彼との連絡をとり、彼が彼のバンドと行うのを見ることを多分最終的に得ることを楽しみにしている!<br /><br />家族性および友情の天恵は富む。 私は私達がからの私達の友人とここに実際に再接続してもいいが、私はそれがこの簡単なブログの内で保持することができないこと手を差し伸べられるの私達の 欠乏にもかかわらずに皆に感謝するためにそんなに持っているように順序で私達の財政の状態を得て熱望している; それは遠い余りに長い。 友情が解決しないときそれが悲しいのに、私は私がちょうど私の悪い事を見たいと思った否定的な人々を取除いて嬉しい。 私はそれらに私の献身を証明することを試みる時間をそんなに無駄にし彼らが行って私であるので私の愛を私のために与えそこに常にあった、偽りなく感じる人 に値して自由に: 私を信じ、私は完全ではないが、こと全力を尽くしていることを理解する友人。 それは私達によってそれぞれできるすべて、右であるか。 従って、皆、私が私の少数の技術の多くをまだ作っていないのに私のプログラミングの創造性を支えるために私に本を送った特にFritzyにありがとう。 ずっと私は行方不明であること試みている限り、そして種類のサポートは何かであること可能であることを信じる友人を持っていることは素晴らしい。<br /><br />従って、新年に入って、貧しい私達はであり全力を働かせ、尽くす。 私達はたくさん持っていないが、私達が理由を越えて賛美されるように私は感じる。 そんなに愛は苦闘とのおよび損失私達が、それである私の表面の微笑なしで2011年に入ってが不可能過去1年間に直面してしまった私達の幸せな家を満た す。 私は私が人々の人生の実質の違いを生じている、私の主任は認める私の仕事で私が私達のチームに貢献するものをそれを感じ。 それは安っぽく、…ここに流出している愛に鳴るかもしれないが。 それで、時々私は幸運な私が心配しているほど運命があまりを持っていることのためにおろすために私達を打つかもしれない感じる。 :o 私達はこれのよう一緒にであるためにしかし懸命に働いた。 うまくいけば、私は私達がここに持っているとあなたのそれぞれに新年の少なくとも同様にすばらしいがあることを多くを書き、続いているが、一方で、私は望むすばらしい変更の多くを共有できる。<br /><br />あなたの表面では、後退!<br /></div>Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-20849426442423664722010-07-11T11:24:00.007-07:002010-07-11T12:27:36.630-07:00Settling InAfter three days on the road with as much stuff as we could cram in the car, two cats included, we finally made it to our new home. The 14-hour days of driving were pretty rough, particularly because we didn't sleep as easily as we would have if I hadn't been worrying about how the cats were doing so much. However, the cats did <span style="font-style: italic;">amazingly</span> well for the entire trip, and they accepted the house happily upon arrival. :)<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://twitpic.com/209mke" title="Destination reached! on Twitpic"><img src="http://twitpic.com/show/thumb/209mke.jpg" alt="Destination reached! on Twitpic" width="150" height="150" /></a><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Although Terinati had gone to view the house on my behalf previously, I had not actually seen it until that day. My mouth dropped when we got inside; it was better than I thought it would be! Although it is only a little more space and our furniture does not put it to the best use, the house is beautiful. Possibly the most exciting thing was to finally have our own washer and drier so that we can do laundry whenever we need to, and not whenever there was not someone else using it. Additionally, the windows provide lighting such that we never need to turn on the lights during the day, and the lights with the house are sufficient so that we no longer needed our lamps, which we gave away to family we have out here. The hardest part has been organizing the guest room, which also harbors all of our bookshelves. I am currently in the process of entering all of our books into goodreads.com so that I can see which ones I have read and which ones I haven't.<br /><br />The cats, on the other hand, had a much easier time settling in with their more practical furniture.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://twitpic.com/20jdxz" title="A happy and relaxed Tatsu accepts his new cat bed space. :) on Twitpic"><img src="http://twitpic.com/show/thumb/20jdxz.jpg" alt="A happy and relaxed Tatsu accepts his new cat bed space. :) on Twitpic" width="150" height="150" /></a><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://twitpic.com/20zxkx" title="The kitties have been reunited with their post! on Twitpic"><img src="http://twitpic.com/show/thumb/20zxkx.jpg" alt="The kitties have been reunited with their post! on Twitpic" width="150" height="150" /></a><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Since moving in, I have done a ton of laundry because although most of our clothes had been packed clean, I am allergic to the dust that comes off of boxes and newspaper, so I have to wash them again before I can wear them. My Psychology of Women course also started a few days after our arrival, and our internet was set up just in time for me to get online and get to work! Otherwise, Terinati and I have had our eyes primarily on finding local jobs and have applied to many. Every day we try to apply for more jobs that appeal to us, but we have to wait to hear back from employers and every day longer it takes gives me more bad dreams about it, even though I feel sure we will be fine. :} I am just eager to have the tangible knowledge of being completely set.<br /><br />Yesterday, however, we gave ourselves the day off to head to a local farmer's market and pick up some produce so that we could have family over for dinner and share it with them. Since I had rolled a random recipe to make before moving, I felt it was about time to get to it! The recipe was Light Cream of Mushroom Soup by Betty Crocker, and then I also chose to make a dessert: Strawberry Glace Pie, also by Betty Crocker. I was not expecting much from the soup, but it was fantastic! I forgot to take pictures (oops), but it was so good! I have never had mushroom soup so good before, so I will definitely make it again in the future. The pie was also surprisingly easy to make, and I wish I had made two because it was so awesome that I could not believe that I had made it myself.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://twitpic.com/246m54" title="Done! Now it just needs to set for 3 hours in the refrigerato... on Twitpic"><img src="http://twitpic.com/show/thumb/246m54.jpg" alt="Done! Now it just needs to set for 3 hours in the refrigerato... on Twitpic" width="150" height="150" /></a><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><br />So, I'm sorry there is not anything too interesting to report. I suspect things will be more interesting when we have more work and, consequently, get out of the house more. Meanwhile, the next random recipe off of my Excel spreadsheet is Cranberry Spinach Salad, a recipe I obtained from a coworker before I moved. It is meant to only be an appetizer, so we'll see about adding something else to mix and such.<br /><br />Take care!<br /></div></div></div></div></div></div><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Yahoo Babelfish Translation to Japanese:</span><br /><br />同様に多くの原料が付いている道の3日後で私達が車で詰め込むことができると含まれていた2匹の猫私達は私達の新しい家に最終的にそれを作った。 運転の14時間日は猫がいかにをそんなにしていたか私が心配しなかったら私達が持っている程に特に私達が容易に眠らなかったので、かなり荒かった。 但し、猫は全体の旅行のために非常によくし、到着に家を幸福に受け入れた。 :)<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://twitpic.com/209mke" title="Destination reached! on Twitpic"><img src="http://twitpic.com/show/thumb/209mke.jpg" alt="Destination reached! on Twitpic" width="150" height="150" /></a><br /></div><br />Terinatiが私の為の家を前に見ることを行ったが私は実際にその日までのそれを見なかった。 私の口は私達が中得たときに落ちた; それはそれ考えられたIがあるよりよかった! それがややより多くのスペースだけであり、私達の家具が最もよい使用にそれを置かないが、家は美しい。 おそらく最も刺激的な事は私達が必要とする、ない時はいつでも誰か他の人がそれを使用してなかった時はいつでも最終的に私達が洗濯をしてもいいように私達 の自身の洗濯機およびドライヤーを持つことであり。 さらに、窓は私達がもはや私達が私達はここにいる家族に与えた私達のランプを必要としなかったように私達が決してライトを日中つける必要はない家が付いて いるライトは十分であることそのような物をつけることを提供し。 最も堅い部分はまた私達の本だなすべてを隠すずっと客室を組織している。 私はgoodreads.comに私達の本にすべてを入ることの過程において私が読み、どれないどれが私が見ることができるように現在ある。<br /><br />猫は、一方で、大いにより容易なひとときを彼らのより実用的な家具によって解決することを過ごした。<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://twitpic.com/20jdxz" title="A happy and relaxed Tatsu accepts his new cat bed space. :) on Twitpic"><img src="http://twitpic.com/show/thumb/20jdxz.jpg" alt="A happy and relaxed Tatsu accepts his new cat bed space. :) on Twitpic" width="150" height="150" /></a><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://twitpic.com/20zxkx" title="The kitties have been reunited with their post! on Twitpic"><img src="http://twitpic.com/show/thumb/20zxkx.jpg" alt="The kitties have been reunited with their post! on Twitpic" width="150" height="150" /></a></div><br />移動以来、私は私達の衣服のほとんどがずっと詰められたきれいであるが、私が私がそれらを身に着けてもいい前に箱および新聞の取れる、従って私はそれらを 再度洗浄しなければならない塵にアレルギーであるので洗濯のトンをした。 女性の私の心理学はまた数日私達の到着の後の始められて流れ、私達のインターネットは私に間に合うようにオンラインになり、働くことを得るようにちょうど セットアップされた! さもなければ、Terinatiにおよび私にローカル仕事を見つけることの私達の目が主にあり、多数に適用した。 私が感じるのに、毎日私達は私達に、本当に私達は良いことを私達は雇用者から聞くために待たなければなり、訴えるが毎日のより長い与える私にそれについて のより悪い夢を取るより多くの仕事に適用することを試みる。 :} 私は完全に配置の有形知識を持ってちょうど熱望している。<br /><br />しかし昨日私達はローカルfarmer'に頭部に私達自身に休日を与えた; sの市場は私達に夕食のために家族がいそしてそれらとそれを共有できるように農産物を取り。 動く前に私が作るために任意調理法を転がしたので私は感じたそれに得る時間についてあったことを! 調理法はベティCrockerによってマッシュルーム・スープの軽いクリーム行い、それから私はまたデザートを作ることを選んだ: ベティCrocker著いちごのGlaceパイ、また。 私はスープからの多くを期待していなかったが、素晴らしかった! 私は映像(oops)を撮ることを忘れていたがそれはとてもよかった! 私は決してマッシュルーム・スープを従っての前によい食べたあらないことは、従って私は完全にそれを将来再度作る。 パイはまた作り意外にも易く私が私はそれを自分自身作ったことを信じることができなかったほどそれが驚くばかりだったので私が2つを作ったことを私は望 む。<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://twitpic.com/246m54" title="Done! Now it just needs to set for 3 hours in the refrigerato... on Twitpic"><img src="http://twitpic.com/show/thumb/246m54.jpg" alt="Done! Now it just needs to set for 3 hours in the refrigerato... on Twitpic" width="150" height="150" /></a><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">従って、私は興味深い何でも報告するには余りにもないことを残念である。 私は私達がより多くの仕事を有し、従って家からもっと出るとき事がより興味深いことを疑う。 その間、Excelの私の展開表の次の任意調理法は私が動いた前にクランベリーのほうれんそうサラダ、私が協力者から得た調理法消えている。 前菜だけであることを意味する従って私達は組合せおよびそのような物へ何か他のものを加えることについて見る。<br /><br />お元気で!<br /></div></div>Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-8629883491024370132010-06-21T11:40:00.006-07:002010-06-21T12:33:53.544-07:00Packed in a PODLast week was quite busy, so much that I entirely forgot about my blog. That's okay, because this will be a short one anyhow.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://twitpic.com/1wudc5" title="The boxes... They're talking to me... =^o0^= on Twitpic"><img src="http://twitpic.com/show/thumb/1wudc5.jpg" alt="The boxes... They're talking to me... =^o0^= on Twitpic" width="150" height="150" /></a><br /></div><br />Starting on Monday, I tasked myself with putting the final items into boxes. It's not as easy as it sounds when you want to eat, cook, and be able to enjoy your accessories one more time. Our <a href="http://www.pods.com/">POD</a> arrived on Tuesday, at which point we had to get it its own parking permit to be in our apartment's lot because there isn't enough space for the cars of the residents. :/ Sorry, fellow residents!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://twitpic.com/1wzieq" title="#PODS made it here early. :) Awesome! We'll be all set for lo... on Twitpic"><img src="http://twitpic.com/show/thumb/1wzieq.jpg" alt="#PODS made it here early. :) Awesome! We'll be all set for lo... on Twitpic" width="150" height="150" /></a><br /></div><br />Wednesday, our Packing Party Day, ended up being a total whirlwind of crazy! Terinati and I started moving our boxes into the POD early in the morning and ran some last minute errands early because we knew that our friends would be coming to help in the early afternoon. We felt that we were making good time when Terinati's cell phone suddenly gave out! It would ring, but the screen just showed white haze, and he couldn't answer any of the calls. Not only that, but he couldn't make calls unless he put the phone on speaker and used voice commands. This was a critical crisis because we had a broken windshield and were expecting a call on that phone when the folks were coming to replace it (and they didn't know where the car was), not to mention that Terinati is pretty much our main contact for the move in every way. However, I had an idea! Since I upgraded to a new cell phone earlier in the year but kept my fully-functional, cute LG phone that I so love, Terinati would not need to get a new phone. We just needed to go to our cell phone store and get it set up, because doing it on the phone would probably take much longer than having a professional just do it themselves.<br /><br />To try and keep a long story short, we got back with the new phone only to discover that my charging cable was dysfunctional and Terinati had to go out and replace it for a dollar. Once that was done, though, everything was fine! One of our friends, Paula, went above and beyond the call of duty to help us move our giant couch down five flights of stairs because it wouldn't fit in the elevator, and then later came her husband, Ryan, and our other friends Sara and Conrad. With all of their help, we managed to pack more efficiently. After hanging out at a little tavern called McGinty's, Terinati and I stayed up until 3am to finish the remainder of the packing so that no matter when the POD people arrived the next day, everything would be ready to go. That morning, we slept on the floor, sore but happy.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://twitpic.com/1xru4i" title="Aww! Looks like our sleeping bag came with a Stardust-sized p... on Twitpic"><img src="http://twitpic.com/show/thumb/1xru4i.jpg" alt="Aww! Looks like our sleeping bag came with a Stardust-sized p... on Twitpic" width="150" height="150" /></a><br /></div><br />Having nearly no things in the apartment and no furniture has been surprisingly relaxing. I could swear that the apartment is quieter, and I never realized what boundaries furniture put between myself and the cats. Now that they can stroll up to my lap at any given moment, they are far happier with our relationship. Tatsu no longer meows up at me as I sit on a chair to do my homework; he simply comes up and nuzzles me whenever he pleases! Consequently, Terinati and I are now considering getting more floor furniture, especially since we had to give away some furniture in the move (two chairs broke before we even started packing). Plus, we love Japanese furniture anyway and it saves so much space . . . so, why not?<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><object type="application/x-shockwave-flash" data="http://www.flickr.com/apps/video/stewart.swf?v=71377" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" width="400" height="293"> <param name="flashvars" value="intl_lang=en-us&photo_secret=80ae0221ac&photo_id=4721390427"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.flickr.com/apps/video/stewart.swf?v=71377"> <param name="bgcolor" value="#000000"> <param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="http://www.flickr.com/apps/video/stewart.swf?v=71377" bgcolor="#000000" allowfullscreen="true" flashvars="intl_lang=en-us&photo_secret=80ae0221ac&photo_id=4721390427" width="400" height="293"></embed></object><br /></div><br />Thankfully, though, Paula and Ryan saved us again and let us borrow their air mattress. :) Hooray!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://twitpic.com/1xncab" title="is hanging out with friends on their rooftop, enjoying this p... on Twitpic"><img src="http://twitpic.com/show/thumb/1xncab.jpg" alt="is hanging out with friends on their rooftop, enjoying this p... on Twitpic" width="150" height="150" /></a><br /></div><br />After cleaning the apartment up a bit, we had a good-bye picnic on our bare floor on Saturday afternoon, and then celebrated my dear friend, Kyriel, for her birthday this week. I'm glad that I was here to participate, because of course I am going to miss her a lot, along with other friends I have made since coming here. And then, of course, Sunday was Father's Day. Though it will be late, I am excitedly waiting for gifts to my father and step-mother, who both also had birthdays this month, arrive on Wednesday. :)<br /><br />Oh, and speaking of gifts, now you can know that I gave my husband a large portrait of us at the wedding for our first anniversary! We're both excited to put it up in our new house once we arrive, because that's just one of things that makes a home truly home.<br /><br />Anyway, I apologize for a somewhat bland blog. I expect the next week will be far more interesting with the actual move, but for now I must go as we still have several folks to say good-bye to and final journeys to make before we quest across the country. Talk later!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://twitpic.com/1y7aes" title="Rug dancing! Who needs furniture? :) on Twitpic"><img src="http://twitpic.com/show/thumb/1y7aes.jpg" alt="Rug dancing! Who needs furniture? :) on Twitpic" width="150" height="150" /></a><br /></div><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Japanese Translation from Yahoo Babelfish:</span><br /><br />先週は私が私のブログについて完全に忘れていたことかなり使用中、そんなにだった。 それはこれが何としても短い1であるので、良い。<br /><br />月曜日を始めて、私は箱に最終的な項目を入れることとの自分自身に任せた。 それはなくなる前にあなたの付属品をもう一度楽しめる食べ、調理し、たいと思うときそれが鳴る程に容易ではない。 私達のポッドは火曜日に着いた、その時点で私達はそれに私達のapartment'にある自身の駐車割り当てを得なければならなかった; あるので居住者の車のための十分なスペースがないのでsのロット。 :/ 残念な、居住者!<br /><br />水曜日、狂気の総旋風があることの上で終わる私達のパッキング党日! 私達の友人は昼下がり助けることを来ていたことを私達が知っていたのでTerinatiおよび私はポッドに私達の箱を朝早く動かし始め、あるどたん場の用 事を早く動かした。 私達は私達がよい時間をTerinati'作っていたことに感じた; sの携帯電話は突然与えた! それは鳴るが、スクリーンはちょうど白い霞および彼をの呼出し答えることができなかった示した。 ただ彼がスピーカーに電話を置き、声命令を使用したら、しかし彼が呼出しをすることができなかったこと。 これはTerinatiがほとんどあらゆる方法で移動のための私達の主要な接触であること車がどこにあったか人々がそれ(および彼らを知らなかった)取り 替えることを来ていたときに私達が壊れた風防ガラスを経験した、言及にその電話の呼出しをない期待していたので重大な危機。 但し、私は考えを有した! 私が新しい携帯電話に年の初めに改善してが、私がそう愛する私の十分に機能的で、かわいいLGの電話を保ったから、Terinatiは新しい電話を得る必 要はない! 私達はちょうど専門家を持っていてちょうどそれを自身しなさいより電話のそれをすることがおそらく大いに時間がかかるので私達の携帯電話の店に行き、それ をセットアップされて得る必要があった。<br /><br />長い物語の不足分を試み、保つために、私達は新しい電話によって私の充満ケーブルが正常に機能しなく、Terinatiが出かけ、ドルのためのそれを取り 替えなければならなかったことだけを発見することを戻った。 それがされたら、すべてがうまくあったけれども! 私達の友人の1つは、ポーラ、義務の呼出しの上でそしてを越えてエレベーターで合わないので私達が5つの一続きの階段の下の私達の巨大なソファを動かすの を助けることを行った。 後で彼女の夫、ライアンおよび私達の他の友人サラおよびコンラッドは来た。 彼らの助けすべてによって、私達はもっと効率的に詰まることをどうにかして。 小さい居酒屋でさよならを言う時を過ごすことの後でそれらおよび他の友人とMcGinty'を呼んだ; ポッドの人々が翌日着いてもいつ、すべてが行って準備ができているのはs、Terinatiおよび私は3amまでパッキングの残りを終えるために起きてい たからである。 その朝に、私達は床、傷幸せで眠った。<br /><br />、ポーラおよびライアンが私達を再度救い、彼女達のエアマットレスを借りることを許可したけれども、感謝して。 :) Hooray!<br /><br />ビットの上のアパートをきれいにした後、私達は土曜日の午後の私達の裸の床のさようならピクニックを有し、次に私の親愛なる友人、彼女の誕生日のための Kyrielを、この週祝った。 私は私がここに加わることいたこと私がここに来ること以来作っていた他の友人と共に私が彼女をたくさん逃そうと思っているコースのために嬉しい。 そして次に、当然、日曜日はFather'だった; s日。 それが遅いけれども、私は私の父に興奮してギフトを待っていて、また持たれていた誕生日が両方とも水曜日にこの月、着く義母。:)<br /><br />ああ、ギフトについて話して、今私が私達の最初記念日のための結婚式で私の夫に私達の大きい肖像画を与えたことを知り! We' 私達の新居にそれを置く両方の興奮するに関してそれが家の家を偽りなく作る事のちょうど1つであるので、私達が着けば。<br /><br />とにかく、私は幾分柔和なブログを謝る。 私は私達が全国各地から捜す前に私達がまだにさよならを言う何人かの人々および作るべき最終的な旅行を有するので翌週が実際の移動とはるかに興味深いが、 今のところ私が行かなければならないことを期待する。 後で話!Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-62552229567358322192010-06-13T04:56:00.014-07:002010-06-13T12:08:11.744-07:001-year Anniversary!<div><div align="center"></div><br /><p align="center"><br /><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5482228959052550034" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgod5zpHCaSm0rwBEb3dFglbzUbWLlTj5GxGj3GiNpXLqEcT3j3-OgeWTyqJkxHWf5YS7Ihpm-EHd8-wbR7RHyxxg_MtDUj7uWX1YDghR3p1T2GgXtRq4_fSRcc-KUjIR8emuNVpORUNCoy/s320/203.jpg" /></p><br /><div><br />As the title indicates, today is Terinati’s and my one-year anniversary (we will have been together thirteen years in December, but married one year as of today!). According to Emily Post, first year gifts are supposed to be related to paper, which opens up a large realm of possibilities. Since my husband has not gotten to open his gift yet, you will have to wait until next week to learn what it is! Additionally, we are not celebrating today the way most people do. Since we are moving so soon and today is one of the last days we can see some of our friends, once Terinati is done with work, we will be heading out to play Dungeons and Dragons for the last time this afternoon. However, we are celebrating in our own subtle ways; I have changed my Restaurant in Restaurant City on Facebook to the theme of romance, and we have plans for eating the cake we froze from our wedding day later in the week.<br /><br /></div><div></div><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div align="center"><br /><object width="500" height="405"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZppWok6SX88&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0&color1=0x006699&color2=0x54abd6&border=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><br /><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZppWok6SX88&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0&color1=0x006699&color2=0x54abd6&border=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="500" height="405"></embed></object></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><div><br />On Monday, Terinati and I watched <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119177/">Gattaca</a>, a film that came out a year after the Human Genome Project started. I’m usually not sure what to make of sci-fi films since they can so easily become dated or are just based on sheer nonsense to begin with just to freak people out, but this one was a pretty good movie in my humble opinion! I won’t spoil anything for those who haven’t seen it, but despite it being a very dated film (now that the Human Genome Project is completed, the reality of this kind of future is far more complex than we can currently reach scientifically, at least so said Professor Pinel in 2009), it has an interesting story . . . except for one part. Don’t read this last bit if you haven’t seen it yet!! <strong>SPOILER:</strong> Why on earth would a girl sleep with a man she thinks may be a murderer? That just beat the crap out of an officer for no apparent reason? What on earth was she thinking?! Why are women constantly having relationships with men in movies when they should know darn well that it’s a bad idea? That was the only thing that really bothered me about the film.<br /><br />Moving along to other not-so-important things, I managed to get the Pet Sitter achievement in Island Paradise. I love the cute animations of the animals in that game when I care for them; the artwork is something that keeps me returning to it in Facebook.<br /></div><br /><div align="center"></div><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5482247999995425298" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyHIiJ4YXUyLlQXd-sd2eOno7WpMlvXOfktuhnSxyd8_ziKIoodq7LER0pJydMnZteoOatmDeqhoeSXwUiGeMYD5Rda3SpHQCfn-6wi9adLgFEpG7loFsGvjg5tB-zj7TSrMHVj4yb2sbF/s320/IMG00026-20100508-0039.jpg" /><br /><div align="left"><br />On Friday, we took Stardust and Tatsu, our cats, to the vet for their final check-up. Because Stardust does not like the vet, we always put <a href="http://www.softpaws.com/">Soft Paws </a>on her before we go in so that she can do a little less damage. In general, despite the vet getting very freaked out, I also try to handle Stardust myself. Even though she looks scary, it has always been my experience that I can manage her better than everyone else in the building. She is my best friend, after all, so I am well aware of her weaknesses, strengths, and how to keep her still. And, unlike the vets, I am not surprised at all by her anger! She does not know that what they are doing are for her own good, just that it stings and she doesn’t know them! Frankly, if I had to be taken away to some strange place where people stuck things up my butt, I would be very upset as well. It seems like this would be something vets would think about, but they don’t.<br /><br />Anyway, despite being used to the routine, this time Stardust attempted to make a last stand! She had never been so fierce before! She got much bigger than usual, and kept her body curled in such a way that she looked like a miniature Fu Lion! Knowing my dear, crazy, and fierce friend, I knew that if I could just get my hand to the right spot, I could stop her tirade, but Stardust’s display scared the vets so much that they would not have me helping and wrapped her in a towel, which proved to be entirely ineffective. In the end, Stardust and Tatsu both received their vaccinations and came home fine. For some reason, though, when Stardust returns she always blames everything on Tatsu, hissing at him. He tries very sweetly to console her, but is usually unsuccessful.<br /><br /></div><div align="center"><a title="Progress! Still not everything, tho. :} on Twitpic" href="http://twitpic.com/1vdzbe"><img alt="Progress! Still not everything, tho. :} on Twitpic" src="http://twitpic.com/show/thumb/1vdzbe.jpg" width="150" height="150" /></a></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="center"><br />Oh! More importantly, during our packing, I rediscovered a pair of sunglasses given to me by a previous employer that has a camera in it. I’m hoping to share footage with you some of the time, though it is a bit fuzzy!<br /><br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Rt8yiOzyv40&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Rt8yiOzyv40&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><br /><br />Now we are heading into our final days with our things. On Wednesday, we are having a packing party wherein we are going to be loading the majority of our things into a POD, then stay in the apartment for a week longer to finish cleaning up and say our good-byes to our friends before we drive out to the other side of the country. It is a little intimidating, but I have things to distract me, like my class! This week in Children and Violence, we are learning about bullies and their impact in school settings. Last week was dealing with violence in the media, which gave me the rare opportunity to review Sailor Moon! I always think that it is a good week when I get to write an essay that either involves cats or Sailor Moon.<br /><br /></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div align="center"><a title="Cool! Just got a nomination for NSCS based on my current scho... on Twitpic" href="http://twitpic.com/1vwtbt"><img alt="Cool! Just got a nomination for NSCS based on my current scho... on Twitpic" src="http://twitpic.com/show/thumb/1vwtbt.jpg" width="150" height="150" /></a> </div><div></div><div></div><div><br /><br /><br />More excitingly, in the mail I received a nomination to join the National Society of Collegiate Scholars. This probably has something to do with my GPA of 3.92! Exciting! Anyway, I have a lot of reading to do and need to get ahead in my homework to prepare for the move. Wish us luck!!<br /><br /><br /></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div>Japanese Translation from Yahoo Babelfish:<br /><br />タイトルが示すと同時に、Terinatiおよび私の1年記念日(私達は一緒に12月13年、今日現在に1年!結婚してしまう)は今日ある。 エミリーのポストに従って、可能性の大きい王国を開発する最初年のギフトはペーパーと関連しているために仮定される。 私の夫が彼のギフトをまだ開けることを得なかったのでそれがであるもの学ぶために来週まで待たなければならない! さらに、私達はほとんどの人々が方法を今日祝っていない。 私達がそうすぐに動いて、今日私達が私達の友人の何人か会うことができる最後の日の1才であるのでTerinatiが仕事とされれば最後のための地下牢そ してドラゴンを今日の午後するために、私達は先頭に立つ。 但し、私達は私達の自身の微妙な方法で祝っている; 私はロマンスの主題にFacebookのレストラン都市の私のレストランを変え、私達は私達が私達の婚礼の日から週の後半に凍らせていたケーキを食べるた めの計画を有する。<3パッキングおよびする宿題以外、ずっと週は比較的平穏無事である:> </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>月曜日で、Terinatiおよび私は<a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119177/">Gattaca</a>のヒトゲノムプロジェクトが始まった後年出て来たフィルムを見た。 私は通常人々をひどく神経質にしそれらがそう容易に日付がつくようになってもいかったりまたは薄いナンセンスにちょうどから始めるようにちょうど基づいているので確実エスエフ映画の作るべきことこの1だった私の控え目な意見のかなりよい映画ではないが! 私は私達が現在そう言われた教授に科学的に、Pinel 2009年に少なくとも達してもいいよりはるかに複雑ヒトゲノムプロジェクトが完了するのでそれを見なかったが、それにもかかわらず非常に日付がついたフィルムであることに1部を除いて(、この種類の未来の現実である)、それは興味深い物語が…ある人のための何もだめにしない。 それをまだ見なかったらこの最後のビットを読んではいけない!! スポイラー: なぜ彼女あるように殺人者が考える人との女の子の睡眠か。 それは役人からちょうどがらくたを明らかな理由もなく打ったか。 考えている彼女はだった何か。! 女性はなぜ映画で絶えずそれは悪い考えであること繕いをよく知るべきであるとき人との関係を持たれているか。 それは実際にフィルムについての私に迷惑を掛けた唯一の事だった。<br /><br />他のないそう重要な事に動いて、私は島の楽園のペット付き添いの達成を得ることをどうにかして。 私は私がそれらを気遣うときそのゲームの動物のかわいい生気を愛する; アートワークはFacebookで私をそれに戻らせ続ける何かである。<br /><br />金曜日で、私達は彼らの最終的な検査のための獣医にStardustおよびTatsuの私達の猫を、取った。 Stardustが獣医を好まないので、私達は彼女に彼女がより少ない損傷をややしてもいいように私達が入る前に柔らかい足を常に置く。 一般に、非常に得ている獣医にもかかわらず、私またStardustを扱うことを試みる自分自身ひどく神経質になった。 彼女が恐く見るのに、それは私が建物の皆より彼女のよい管理してもいいこと私の経験いままで常にだった。 彼女は私の親友である、彼女をまだ保つ方法を結局、そう私は彼女の弱さ、強さよくに、気づき。 そして、獣医とは違って、私は彼女の怒りによって全然驚かない! 彼女はしていることをことを彼女の自身のよいのためであって下さい、刺すそれらを知らないちょうどそれ知らないし、! 人々が私のバットの上の事を付けた奇妙な場所に取り除かれなければならなかったら率直に、私はまた非常に取り乱している。 それはこれのようにである何か診察する約考えるようであるが、それらはようではない。<br /><br />とにかく、ルーチンへの使用にもかかわらず、今回Stardustは最後の立場を作るように試みた! 彼女はいままで決して前にあまり激しくなかった! 彼女は彼女がFuのミニチュアライオンのように見えたように通常より大いに大きく、カールした彼女の体保たれてなり! 私の親愛なる、狂気、および激しい友人を知っていて、私は彼らに私がおよび完全に非効果的であると証明したタオルの彼女包まれて助けることをないこと右の 点にちょうど私の手を得ることができれば私は彼女の弾劾演説を停止できるがStardustの表示は獣医をそんなにおびえさせたことを知っていた。 ついに、StardustおよびTatsuはワクチン接種を受け取り、家の罰金来た。 どういうわけか、けれども、Stardustが戻るとき彼女は彼で音を立てるTatsuにすべての常に責任にする。 彼は彼女を慰めることを非常に甘く試みるが通常不成功である。<br /><br />ああ! もっと重大に、私達のパッキングの間に、私はそれでカメラを持っている前の雇用者が私に与えた組のサングラスを再発見した。 私はそれが曖昧なビットであるけれども、時間の一部あなたと長さを共有することを望んでいる!<br /><br />今度は私達は私達の事の私達の最終的な日に先頭に立っている。 水曜日で、私達は私達が国の反対側に追い払う前に私達がポッドに私達の事の大半に荷を積もうと思っているかパッキング党を有したりそして週のためのアパー トにきれいになることを終わり、私達の友人に私達のよいbyes言うためにより長くとどまる。 それは少し威圧的であるが、私は私のクラスのように私を、混乱させる事を有する! 子供および暴力のこの週、私達は学校の設定のいじめっ子そして彼らの影響について学んでいる。 先週は私に船員の月を見直すまれな機会を与えた媒体の暴力を取扱っていた、! 私は私が猫か船員の月を含むエッセイを書くことを得るのはよい週であると常に考える。 とにかく、私は移動のために準備することをし、私の宿題で前方に得る必要があるべき多くの読書を有する。もっと興奮して、郵便で私は大学学者の国民の社会に加わるために指名を受け取った。 これはおそらく3.92の私のGPAに関与している! 刺激! 私達に運を望みなさい!! </div></div>Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-43970084987606446082010-06-07T11:35:00.009-07:002010-06-07T11:59:19.389-07:00Moving AlongIt's been a long time since I've blogged or had anything I felt was blog-worthy, even though there have been a lot of changes between my last post in November and now. A lot of <span style="font-style: italic;">big</span> changes! We're moving from one coast of America to the other!! =^oo^= That's a big deal!<br /><br />But, I also thought about how there are many blogs on the internet and how when I started mine, it was just a way to keep in touch with people and to share my ideas or special announcements when I felt the need to. However, now that I'm on Facebook and Twitter, that purpose doesn't seem as necessary! So, I left the blogging world for a while.<br /><br />Then, I watched "Julie & Julia" with Terinati a month or so back, and I was like, "How neat!" I don't really want to make money off of a blog. I mean, sure, it'd be nice . . . but I don't really have that kind of focus. I just thought it was cool that I'm trying to learn so many things. Maybe I could share my process and other people may be inspired or learn something from it. Then again . . . I never even heard of her blog before that movie came out, and I can't imagine how interesting it is to read about someone making food. Perhaps I have a failure of imagination.<br /><br />And then, I thought about some of my favorite blogs, some of which have seem to have gone silent, and I thought to myself, "These are great blogs! Maybe I can use that kind of idea!" For example, one of my favorite blogs is by<a href="http://aez1001.blogspot.com/"> a native Japanese guy who writes to practice his English</a>. However, I don't know enough kanji to practice it, let alone know where to get the fonts and such to do it properly. :} Ha ha. :/ Plus, what do people in Japan want to know about?<br /><br />I don't really know what people are interested in reading. But, I guess I have the hope that if I be myself a little bit and share a bit, maybe someone else can learn from it too or maybe will eventually ask a question that will make it worth the effort of translating. So, the first major difference you'll notice is that there is a Japanese translation below. I didn't translate it, and I apologize right away for any errors! I used Yahoo Babelfish, and I hope that someday I will be able to do this myself. For now, it will have to do.<br /><br />And, I thought I should try to blog once a week. Maybe it'll encourage me to get more done and to find something interesting in each week. I've tried this before and failed, but I take this as a sign that I'm not putting myself out there enough! So, I must take more risks, and hopefully that will lead to interesting (but not tragic) things.<br /><br />Finally, there's the move coming up. I'm sure that will bring up some topics of interest. It's going to be a crazy trip. Starting next week, we have to load up a POD. After that, we have a week left in the apartment with no stuff and two cats. :} Following that, we will be traveling 3 days by car with the kitties to our new home. All of this is also during my last week of my "Children and Violence" course as well as the beginning of my course on Women for psychology. Should be interesting.<br /><br />Anyway, I'm hoping to include more pictures and more adventures, but we'll see how it goes. I can't promise anything because life is crazy and tends to not go as planned. I'm sure you all know what I mean! If nothing else, perhaps my blogs will be more short and sweet. ;)<br /><br />Wish me luck!<br /><br /><br /><br />Japanese Translation from Babelfish:<br /><br />ずっとそれはのそして今私の最後のポスト11月間に多くの変更がずっとあるのに、私が私がブログ価値がある感じた何でもbloggedか、または有したの で長い時間である。 多くの大きい変更! 私達はアメリカの1つの海岸から他に移っている!! =^oo^= それは大事である!<br /><br />しかし、私はまた私が必要性を感じたときに私が私の物を始めたときにインターネットに多くのブログがいかにある、そしていかにについて、それが人々と連絡 をとり、私の考えか特別な発表を共有するちょうど方法だったか考えた。 但し、のでI' FacebookおよびTwitterのmは必要に応じて、その目的ようではない! 従って、私はblogging世界をしばらく残した。<br /><br />それから、私は"を見た; ジュリーの& Julia" Terinatiによって月かそう背部、および私のように、"はあった; 端正いかに! " 私は実際にブログのお金をもうけたいと思わない。 私は、本当に、それを素晴らしい…意味する私は実際にその種類の焦点を持っていない。 私はちょうど私が練習のための任意調理法をするそう多くの事を、学ぶことを試みていることそれが涼しかったことを考えた。 多分私は私のプロセスを共有でき、他の人々は促されるか、またはそれからの何かを学ぶかもしれない。 また…。 私は決して映画が出て来た、興味深い食糧を作っている誰かについて読むこといかにであるか想像できないこと彼女のブログを前に聞かなかったし。 多分私は想像の失敗を有する。<br /><br />そして次に、私はいくつかが無声に行くようである持っている自分自身の"に考えた私の好みのブログのいくつかについて考え、; これらは大きいブログである! 多分私はその種類の考えを使用してもいい! " 例えば、私の好みのブログの1つは彼の英語を練習するために書く原産の日本の人によって行う。 但し、私はそれをは言うまでもなく練習する十分な漢字壷およびそのような物をそれをきちんとするためにどこで得るか知りなさいことを知らない。 :} Ha ha。 :/ プラス、人々は何を日本の約知りたいと思うか。<br /><br />私は実際にどんな人々が読書に興味があるか知っていない。 しかし、私は私がI自分自身が少しあり、ビットを共有すれば、多分誰か他の人はそれから余りに学ぶことができたりまたは多分結局翻訳の努力の価値を持って それを作る質問をするという希望を有することを推測する。 従って、あなたが気づく最初の主な違いは次日本翻訳があることである。 私はそれを翻訳しなかったし、あらゆる間違いをすぐに謝る! 私はYahoo Babelfishを使用し、いつの日か私がこれをされる自分自身ことを望む。 とりあえず、それはしなければならない。<br /><br />そして、私は私がブログに週に一度試みるべきであることを考えた。 多分それは私を毎週よりされて得、何かを興味深い見つけるように励ます。 私はこれをの前に試み、が失敗した、私が自分自身を十分にそこに消していないという印としてこれを取る! 従って、私はより多くの危険を取らなければなりうまく行けばそれは興味深く(悲劇的ではない)事をもたらす。<br /><br />最後に、移動上がることがある。 私は興味のあるトピックを持ち出すことを確かめる。 それは狂気旅行であることを行っている。 来週始まって、私達はポッドに荷を積まなければならない。 その後で、私達は原料および2匹の猫無しでアパートに残っている週を過す。 :} それに続いて、私達は私達の新しい家にキティが付いている車で3日旅する。 これすべては私の"の私の先週の間にまたある; 子供およびViolence" 心理学のための女性の私のコースの始めと同様、コース。 興味深いべきである。<br /><br />とにかく、私はより多くの映像およびより多くの冒険を含むことを望んでいるがそれがいかに行くか私達は見る。 私は生命が狂気、計画通りに行きがちであるので何でも約束できない。 私は私が意味するものをすべて知っていることをことを確かめる! 何も、多分私のブログはより簡潔である。 ;)<br /><br />私に運を望みなさい!Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-86480839265324658032009-11-05T04:13:00.003-08:002009-11-05T04:49:57.057-08:00"I'm A Horrible Person"Just Google it: "I'm a Horrible Person." You'll find so many sites, as I did this morning, where ordinary people admit to their guilt and regrets that they may not be able to express online, from feeling bad about how they've treated other people to make themselves feel better, all the way to unintentional harms done to oneself or others. I had wondered if I was the only one who questioned the accuracy of her own moral compass from time to time, but now find it worth writing because my inner doubt stems from something very different than what I've seen so far. I have good self-control for accomplishing my goals, which is why I've stopped worrying about my list and will remove my widget when I'm ready. In fact, it hasn't really been a problem as much as my real problem: learning to walk <span style="font-style: italic;">away</span> from a goal, which is why it is so important for me to let that list go.<br /><br />I used to feel that the world was incredibly unfair (in some ways, it probably is, but I'm not really sure how to measure that accurately), that I'd been given a bad hand, and when people hurt me and I got upset, they just didn't get it. All of that is true to a point . . . but, I also never knew when to let go and give up <span style="font-style: italic;">before</span> I got too hurt, and if I only had . . . how much hurt and anger and darkness could have been avoided? How much lighter would my soul be now?<br /><br />It's been a problem throughout my life that I think stems from the lack of control I had growing up to make my own choices. Some of the time that was just parents doing parenting, but other times it was just plain abusive. All I wanted in my life was to feel loved and to be free to make my own choices. That sounds simple, but it really isn't.<br /><br />In a way, it became a desire to control the situation too much, even though I never <span style="font-style: italic;">thought</span> of it like that. My intentions were always good, like, "If I stay by her side, she'll see that I'm her good friend someday," or, "I don't have to put up with these people breaking the law right in front of me; someone should stand up to them!" And finally, "The ethics in this workplace are such a mess! And people are doing horrible things. I should try to fight it!" The only ones I did right was, "This is a horrible place for me to live, so I'm going to get out of here," and "Wow, this professor is doing crazy stuff; I'm out of here!" The lesson that I didn't really learn was that I needed to run away, to let it go.<br /><br />I didn't want to allow people to hurt me anymore, or to chase me away, though, so I was really stupid and bullheaded about it. What a <span style="font-style: italic;">waste</span> of my life, though! I would have been happier if I had left! Stupid pride! Time and time again, trying to "hold on" and "stick through it" really weren't the best options for me. Okay, I grew up looking to <span style="font-style: italic;">big</span> heroes, so I had this notion that I could help, that I could change things. Reality check: I can't change <span style="font-style: italic;">people</span>! I knew that in my head, but thought if I gave it my all, I could still plant the seed of change perhaps. I thought if I did all the right things and worked hard, then I could set a good example, make a difference, show people that there's another way.<br /><br />So, why does that make me a horrible person? Well, if you hang on to something, and hang on to it, and hang on to it, eventually you get really worn from hanging on. There starts to be strain, but it's so gradual and because you've never truly let go, you don't even notice what's happening to you. That's what happened to me at my last job. There was one day when I couldn't take, in my heart, how I was being treated anymore. I came in early, left late, and even came in on the weekends (without pay). I worked overtime and got no lunch at the time. Yet, my boss was purposefully sabotaging my work because, as she said back then, "I thought she didn't care enough." I wanted to quit so bad, but convinced myself that I <span style="font-style: italic;">had</span> to stay, that I had no choice, because I was scared of losing the financial stability. And, when I went to HR, they sort of fixed it . . . but, this is where the corruption seeped in. I knew I couldn't trust my boss again. I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. How could I know she wasn't lying? I was going to be paranoid until my last day, and my reason for staying ultimately became not the finances, but trying to prove that I could survive her, that I could survive everyone <span style="font-style: italic;">else's</span> drama, and basically fight back. :( That is <span style="font-style: italic;">so</span> the wrong reason to stay someplace!<br /><br />Over the years, I didn't even notice how angry I was becoming. I didn't even really know when I threatened to quit some months back. At that point, they knew I wasn't happy, obviously, and even after the problems were fixed, I think my performance was colored by the intense dissatisfaction of them knowing that I had even considered leaving. I knew my time was ticking down, but still tried to convince myself that I could hang on, that I would be okay . . . but in the end, it was horrible for me, and I lost my job on the 3rd. I don't regret being asked to leave because I was clearly unhappy (though, I <span style="font-style: italic;">am</span> pretty shocked to find out what my current boss thought of me, because she never gave me any warning whatsoever . . . I've been concerned for a while that she lies or exaggerates things, though, so I should have known better; so much for trying to see the best in people, eh?), but I regret that I didn't quit sooner. I regret that I allowed myself to get so wrapped up in trying to fix something that clearly can't be fixed. Whenever I made suggestions, my words got twisted, so it truly was pointless. And, I regret that I spent so much time upset and unhappy when it could have been changed. I mean, now I have phone call after phone call of people who want to hire me, so clearly finances wouldn't have been a problem. And all of this corrupted me, left me angry, made it horrible for me at work and at home . . . I became a very, very ugly person!<br /><br />I've never liked letting go. When I was little, I knew many people who died, most of them without me having a chance to say good-bye to them. There was even one very important person that I wish I could reconnect with, but probably will never be able to. When you're forced to let things go, to give up, it makes you that much more determined to never let go . . . Like I said, I just wanted to be loved (and to share my love). All good intentions, but not all good actions and results unfortunately. I've been gradually learning , but this was like the biggest bonk on the head ever, like, "STOP IT AND LEARN TO LET THINGS GO!" So, now I have. To the point where I've even asked Terinati to promise that if he sees me getting really upset about something, he'll let me know that he sees it and ask me to let it go. I never want to say to myself again, "If I'd just quit back then," or "If I'd just let her leave me behind," or "If I'd just cried, felt hurt for a while, and then moved on . . ." I've been so scared of taking that risk, that I would regret not holding on, that I'd be giving up when I shouldn't be, that I'd be a failure . . . But after seeing the damage it can do to my personality . . . Holy crap! I don't <span style="font-style: italic;">want</span> to be a horrible person!<br /><br />So, I apologize to anyone I let down or hurt along the way. It was never my intention. And to all those people who also posted their confessions online, thank you for letting me know I'm not completely alone in my remorse. I knew that I wasn't, but it's another thing to see the words written down. At any rate, now I have a new path open in front of me, and I'm excited (and scared) to go down it. However, this is the best opportunity I could ask for, and I think Fate is smiling at me and just trying to lead me (albeit a bit forcefully) in the right direction because I was too much of a coward to do it myself. From now on, I'm going to take more risks and be willing to let more things go. All holding on will do is hurt me, and make me hurt others. I have to believe that I can overcome that. So, a cheer to all of us who are making an effort to not be the horrible people we fear are inside each of us.Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2126682310641201433.post-68763058420717356972009-08-07T19:15:00.011-07:002009-08-07T20:16:06.689-07:00Carrier of HappinessSo, a few quick updates first. I am tracking my goals, but it is a lot of trouble right now to post on the blog about them. I have not given up, though! There's just too much drama right now.<br /><br />And, drama and justice are kind of what I feel like talking about. I often don't like talking about these things and try to keep my woes to myself because I feel like it is a horrible burden to lay on others. It is bad enough that Terinati often has to hear me out, very affectionately I may add, but I also generally don't like spreading negativity. It doesn't do anyone any good. There are only two reasons I talk about problems: 1.) to sort it out for myself so that I can come to terms with whatever the resolution will be, and 2.) to attempt resolution.<br /><br />To me, a resolution should involve justice. It seems that many people have different ideas about what that is, and it's kind of scary to look at, especially when you're studying creepy behavior patterns in social psychology at the same time. To me, it's being fair and reasonable. You can't have a true resolution without it. If you solve a problem based on someone else's lies, it's bound to fall apart eventually, and if you solve a problem by not communicating, then assumptions are going to be made that are hurtful (intrapersonal conflict is the source of most problems, I think). <br /><br />But what about the people working against justice? I'm not about to say how much I hate you or what horrible people you are, but . . . what I do feel is that I don't understand you. Why is it better to continue a fight, just because you've lost? Why is it better to fight at all? Why are there some of you who <span style="font-style: italic;">don't</span> want to work things out? Why on earth would you not want to resolve things? Why be hurtful?<br /><br />Actually, I know a lot of the reasons. I've been reading about them for months now in my classes. But, it's still hard for me to accept because I can't be that way, even with years of experience witnessing it firsthand. It occurred to me a few days ago that this has been a constant in my life, to be attacked in one way or another by someone, or a few people at once from different sides. Sometimes it's not an attack, but abandonment for reasons beyond understanding, but that can hurt just as badly. The only thing that has changed is me realizing that I didn't do anything to deserve it after all, nothing I do to change will change how the other parties feel about me because they've made up their minds and are ignoring the facts on top of refusing to communicate to find a solution, and that all I can do is be assertive when I need to be. I'm doing the best I can in life, and that's all I can do. (Do other people go through this? I haven't really met anyone who has, or has been open enough to talk about it.)<br /><br />And yet, that kind of justice is unsatisfying. The hero in these stories (not just me; I've watched others suffer too) is often quiet when first attacked because they want to give a chance, or see that there is the potential for this person to not be the villain they seem to be. "Don't jump to conclusions, even when all of the facts line up!" <br /><br />I actually had this problem with a video game I played with my friend Athena, once. Colonel's Bequest. Spoiler warning, in case you want to find this old game and play it 'cause you haven't already (and I think you should! Loved it!)!! Anyway, your best friend is Lillian, and the only reason you get tied up in the mess is because of her. Throughout the game, I thought of her like I would my real life best friend, someone I wanted to protect and felt sorry for . . . when suddenly Athena turns to me and says, "I think she's the killer." I was like, "What? No, that can't be. They're best friends!" Athena kind of went quiet, and I knew she was thinking, "Um, hello?" but she's nice and didn't tell me how dumb I was to my face because we're friends. I mean, people had been talking about Lillian being crazy, the shadow outline even looks like her outline (amongst other clues, like the pink feathers), and now she's sitting in a playhouse with a chalkboard that has a count that matches the number of people who died . . . Yep, totally innocent! :} Keep in mind, I was much younger then, and still very naive about many people! Sure enough, Lillian had been killing off everyone, up to the end when she was killed herself. I wasn't upset that Athena was right, but I still didn't want it to be true. I think all good people are that way sometimes (not to say Athena isn't a good person; she is, most definitely, but she was seeing the facts more clearly than me that day!), but I'm that way all of the time, so I hate seeking justice because then I have to see and often times portray someone in a bad light.<br /><br />Meanwhile, the villains in these tales tend to see perceived slights that never happen, and because this is the case there is little one can do to fight it; these nonexistant problems don't stop them from making the biggest deal out of nothing at all. How do you fight an imaginary monster that's attacking you? It certainly doesn't give you much to say about it. Imagine being summoned to your HR office and being accused of something that never even occurred to you could be done. The shock is genuine, but, for someone like me who is frequently speechless in front of people who aren't my friends (or online), it looks like the shock and guilt of someone who's been found out. <br /><br />Thankfully, I've gone beyond this and manage to have a few words, even if they are stupid ones. :} I'm sure I'm not the only person who's been there, though I think most people handle it more gracefully than myself. But, as I walk out the door, or my boss walks away from me, or I finish reading the e-mail, or get off the phone . . . whatever the case may be, I'm left thinking, <span style="font-style: italic;">Why didn't this person just talk to me? This could have been worked out. </span>I'm a sap; I want to get along with everyone. You know that cute little girl who even prison inmates want to be friends with in old 50's shows? A little carrier of joy and happiness, the one who the lion won't even eat because she's so precious? I think somewhere deep down, I want that to be me. :}<br /><br />Unfortunately, it can't be worked out in those situations, and that will never be me because it doesn't matter what I see, but what others do. Some people won't let go until someone falls in the process. It's really tragic, but that's the way these stories go, isn't it? Either the hero has to win or they have to lose, and the villain will either be left still thinking they were treated unfairly or they'll feel luxurious and cocky in their victory. Where is the justice in either of those?<br /><br />I don't think there is any. For the person who takes joy in taking someone else go down, I'll admit I'm repulsed by that. I've never felt that way. Thought someone probably deserved something, sure, but never felt <span style="font-style: italic;">happy</span> about it. Even when the hero wins, it's bitter-sweet because something is lost at the same time; good heroes know this.<br /><br />I don't think justice can exist. The very notion of it defies itself, at least in my imagination. Revenge seems very real, but I'm not partial to that, either. :} Justice through punishment is just another way of commiting revenge and making it sound pretty. Depending on your culture and such, maybe that's the right way for you. For me, I still dream of living in a happy neighborhood with a bunch of kind people, friends included, where we stand up for each other and help each other when needed and make each other smile every day. I fantasize about being able to talk to people as frankly as I do my husband and my best friend, without fear. If there's a problem, we can talk it out. I've been called an idealist, told that I'm naive, but what's so bad about that? Maybe my world wouldn't create justice for those who commit crimes and go out of their way to hurt others . . . but it would be happier, just the same. It's what many people hint at wanting. Things wouldn't have to be perfect; life is more interesting with obstacles to overcome, things to challenge us. But being hurt and hurting other people? That I can do without.<br /><br />So, to the people who are waging war on me (and others like me), who I know don't even know me well enough to know that this blog exists . . . I refuse to play your game with you, as I have always. Sling your mud, hate and talk about me behind my back all you please, and for a change I'll see you for how you really are. But, I still don't want to be anything like you. I'll stand up for myself, but I'm not going to fight back like that. And, I feel sad and sorry for you for not seeing that it's wrong to hurt people, to take away their sunshine; cruel words <span style="font-style: italic;">can</span> be just as bad as physical abuse, and having experienced both for decades at a time, I can honestly say that the words are worse. Life is too short for unhappiness, especially to be the one causing it.Dream Senshihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18060837135277452070noreply@blogger.com2