Saying that things have been stressful in the past couple of months would be an understatement. But, there are moments in life when you get to them and you stop, take a moment to breathe, and you realize, "Hey! All that hard stuff was really worth it!"
Even though online classes haven't been as flexible as I imagined them being, I'm still doing pretty good! And, I'm doing a little better about keeping in touch with my friends, which makes us all happier (I hope :} ). And, while it's been far down on my priority list (I'm not going to get an F in weddings if I procrastinate a little bit to get homework done), I've been making progress on the wedding!
The wedding really has been discouraging financially speaking, and has been the main stressor. Catering is just so costly! And, on Saturday, Illuminique, Anna and I went all the way to Baltimore to try and find this really pretty dress I had been wanting, only to find that the folks there were kind of snobby and did not carry that dress, even though they are the only vendor within driving distance that carries that designer's dresses. * sigh * Not only that, but the price tags.. were not pretty.
When we left, I felt kind of defeated. I wanted to spend more like $300 - $500 on a dress, at most, and here they were telling me dresses cost $2000 - $3000!! AHHH! Anna and Illuminque were both encouraging, and thank goodness otherwise I may have resolved to wearing a white garbage bag. :} I was sitting there, thinking, How can weddings cost so much? It was the first time in my entire life that I actually felt poor. That didn't really bother me so much. What got me was that I didn't want a fancy, posh wedding, but even the "average" wedding with homemade stuff in it seemed out of my reach. Looking stunning wasn't even a big deal to me either. I mean, I don't want to look like crap or anything, but Jesse's pretty familiar with my face. I don't think I need to convince him that I'm beautiful to get him to marry me. We're good. :} So, fancying myself up too much would just be . . . weird. So, I don't feel like my expectations are that high. I want things to run smoothly, look nice, and be fun. I even discarded the masquerade idea because it just seemed like too much work and conflicted with our Asian theme. WAHH! It shouldn't be this hard! <-- Whiny Jessica is pathetic and annoying. :}
Anna seemed sure that we should try David's Bridal, and she knew where it was. Most of the time, when I see David's Bridal dresses, I want to adjust them. :} So many are ugly, and the way models wear them tends to not be very flattering. But, I realized that they would be cheaper than other places, and always have things on sale (even though whenever they announce a sale, they make it sound like it's never happened before), so I was like, "Okay! We can do this!" And, I'm glad we did!
We had to wait for hours because we didn't have an appointment and we weren't allowed to try on dresses ourselves, and it was a Saturday, so it was busy. Eventually, though, I got to try on several dresses and it was . . . weird! These were dresses in my price range, that I actually liked the look of, and while I usually feel pretty modest about my appearance, when I tried them on and saw myself in the mirror, it was like it wasn't even the same girl. Most of my clothes are a little baggy, or too tight in places, but the dress I ultimately picked out fit me like a glove. Nothing has ever fit me that well! It was so pretty, and it was like how I wanted to grow up looking when I was a little girl. Now I know what it must feel like to be a princess for a day! My brain couldn't wrap around my reflection. I kept thinking, Is that really me? Illuminique and Anna were so awesome and patient throughout it all, too! They totally deserve an award! And, it was so much more fun with them! I'm glad I waited to not go alone. =^--^=
As I was standing there, feeling excited about the idea of making the transition from bride to wife, I also felt great. I've been struggling with my weight since the end of high school. I had gotten up to 180 pounds at my worst. Illuminique managed to guess my size accurately, but I couldn't believe it. I was a size 6?! Obviously, I was smaller when I was much younger, but this is a big deal for me. In fact, this year was the first time I got below 136 lbs., too, and it's sticking! I'm working pretty hard at it though as well. I've been working out (a little, anyway), and working hard to eat right! There were times when I felt like, Is this really making a difference? And then, being able to fit perfectly into that dress settled it for me. Even though being a size 6 doesn't really make up for everything, in a way it was symbolic of all the hard effort of the past couple of years. Finally, I had some tangible thing that shouted, "Hey! Life is pretty exciting right now!"
So, now I have this reminder every time that I open my closet that it's worth it. It makes me smile, every time. And, I can't wait until the wedding! Even Jesse seems a little more into it now, even though he can't see the dress (which is why I'm not posting it here; I'll e-mail the pics out once I have 'em in my computer and on the forum)! EEE! It was like a smack in the face. OMG! I'm really getting married! * girly squealiness! *
For now, though, it's back to the grind and having weird dreams about bridesmaid dresses and brains (Cashmiere Mafia + bridesmaid magazines = crazy Jessica dreams). I'm too happy to care about all of the hard work, though. I'm a fluffy, daydreamy bride, and it feels darn good!
Monday, January 28, 2008
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