Wednesday, May 23, 2007

The Impossible . . .

Most people give up when they think something is impossible. I always knew that was something unique about me, and a few rare others I've met or read about. I don't give up. If it really matters to me, I'll try until the day I die, or until I realize that there's a better or more worthy dream to pursue. However, I still recognize the possibility, despite my effort, that the results will never come out.

I was sick on Monday, and when I finally woke up in my fevery haze, I had a strong feeling to call my dearest friend. But I told myself, "No. I don't want to disturb her." But still, there was this nagging feeling that wouldn't go away. You see, for a long time, I've been trying to make the most important dream of hers come true, supporting her, believing in her, even when other people told me I shouldn't or that it wasn't practical. My faith in her will never be shaken again now that I know myself, and making this dream come true for her could be one of the only things to help turn her life around as it is now. Still, I never thought I'd be able to help . . .

On a whim, I decided to check an old e-mail account that I don't really use, because it came with my internet service. When I did, I was reminded that I had signed up for a certain account that sent me notifications. It had sent several, most of them meaningless, and then I saw one that meant something to me . . . the possibility to make her dream come true has come home at last!

But you know, I've spent so much time dreaming about how great it would be to face this impossible challenge . . . Because I thought it was so impossible, despite how I kept getting closer and closer over the years, I hadn't thought of how scary, how full of anxiety, and how shocking it would be if it actually came down to this. I can barely concentrate at work, because I'm wondering how this will turn out in the end. I keep pacing around my apartment, because I can't sleep or eat, this is such a huge deal. The worst part is, I can't tell anyone about it, and I can't talk to my friend herself because she's too sick. All I can do is send care packages and hope for the best.

It's amazing how facing the impossible feels. And I think, of all the friends and family she had who gave up on her, who didn't believe, who deserted her when they had a better chance at this than I ever did, it makes me upset, too. She had been counting on some of them, even! And now . . . it's in my unworthy hands, only because I chose to believe with all of my heart. Well, I guess it's not over yet . . . But I just had to share the awe I feel of what it's like to do something you thought you would never be able to do. It's as though I've come alive again for the first time in years, as though I was lying dormant within myself, just waiting to be able to spring free for the right moment.

If you have an obvious choice to believe in your friends, or give up on them . . . and you really, genuinely care about what friendship is and means, how precious and special it is, then don't give up . . . At the very least, I think, I wouldn't be so sad in my own life if so many people hadn't given up on me. Even if they didn't have the faith to know it, I knew they were wrong about me, and if they looked hard enough, they would have seen me on a daily basis trying with all my heart to prove that to them. Just my two cents.

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