I think I have hit the wall with things I can do to keep my mind occupied during the day. I don't know if anyone else has hit this wall, but if you haven't, steer clear of it, 'cause it makes for a nasty crash landing.
This isn't the regular kind of boredom you get waiting in line at the supermarket, or at the bank, or at the post office . . . etc. No. It's far worse. I'm bored of TV, I'm bored of video games, I'm bored of books, and I'm *gasp* bored of trying to recreate myself on a daily basis into a new and better person. To the best of my figuring, it seems that I've not only stopped caring what people think, but stopped desiring so much to be liked by them too, 'cause I'm at least liked by a few really good people, and that's enough for me. The problem is, I don't really want anything anymore.
"How can you not want anything?" I sense you asking, if anyone bothers to read this. Heck if I know! I mean, of course, I think, "Oo, I'd like to own 'Fearless' because if I should ever be crazy enough to have kids, someday I'd want them to watch this, because I think this is something that everyone should understand." (Go Jet Li!) And, sure, I don't want to lose my apartment and am thankful to be able to play role-playing games on the weekend with my fiance and would never take him for granted . . . and, living in a house would be nice . . . but, here's the kicker. I know it wouldn't make me happier. The environment may be better, and having stuff is nice, but material things will not make me happy. And, I don't think forming new relationships will, either. So, maybe a more accurate analysis of my mental state is that I don't know what I want, and therefore don't know to desire it.
The problem with not wanting anything is, beside the fact that something is clearly wrong with me because at the very least I should desire more spiritual development, that I am completely unmotivated. Every day I get up and think, "I don't want to get up," and then I eat breakfast and take my shower, thinking, "I don't want to take a shower right now," followed by not wanting to be at work, not wanting to still be at work, and then kind of not wanting to walk home. All I feel like doing is sleeping. It's bizarre, because I'm not depressed, not sick, and nothing is really wrong either. It's not to say that I don't require improvement as a human being, because of course I do, but . . . there is no motivation to do anything other than dream, and when I do, I just feel more exhausted the following day. ???
Perhaps that's what I need, to just rest for a long time. I can't remember the last time such an opportunity was available to me. Probably in 2002, which is a while back. But when I wake up, then what? Return to the same old thing?
This is more than boredom. I think my spirit is broken, and it's frightening to admit that. Even my fiance can see that in me. So . . . what now? How does a completely unmotivated person heal themselves?
Okay, so I lied. I do want one thing. I want to get better.
Hmm . . . Makes you look differently at cats sleeping all day, doesn't it . . . ?